I need help or I’m going to die (anorexia)

[Boogie041312]

I really need help. My anorexia is out of control. Let me first say I have borderline personality disorder so my emotions are over intense and can’t stabilize my moods. Over the past year a lot has happened....I’m finally almost finished with a horrible divorce, I was raped by 4 people in April, and it was very violent (I have to go to the dr every month for injections in my shoulder joints from where my shoulders were ripped out of joint) just 2020 in general has been a sh** show. Since my rape in April I have been starving myself. I won’t eat for 4 and 5 days until I’m passing out from starvation. If I do eat (when my fiancé makes me) it’s either one or a half of a meal a day. No more. Just thinking about the calories going into my body will set me into a full blown panic attack. I have lost 8 pants sizes since May and having grown up with this eating disorder I KNOW it’s not okay. Im naturally busty by nature and will never be considered small. I have a so called “picture perfect” hourglass figure and am 5’0 tall and get compliments on my body 24/7. (I also have a masters degree but no one cares about that.) My fiancé absolutely LOVES my body but I still don’t believe him or other people (even strangers) when they tell me I’m stunning and beautiful. Everywhere I go men are hitting on me and catcalling me and this actually makes me feel LESS ATTRACTIVE. Does that make any sense? I’m on my feet 18 hours a day being a single mom and working 10 hours a day so even if I ate normally I wouldn’t be gaining weight from calories. Therapy isn’t working. Now realize that because of my BPD and other past traumas and surgeries where I’ve been physically hurt by other people (I’ve been unlucky with men) I realize I have a problem including other types of self harm. But nothing seems to help because I feel like no one understands. Does anyone have any advice that can help? I know I need it. I’m literally killing myself.

[bawdyheated]

Get someone medical professional help you!

[Boogie041312]

Wow why didn’t I think of that?

[Richard@DecisionSkills]

But nothing seems to help because I feel like no one understands.

You did not post for help. You posted to vent or express your anger towards anyone that dares to offer advice. Most likely you are in the forum as a last resort as you have rejected all previous advice, you have pushed away everyone else with the excuse that no matter how good the advice it "doesn't work" because the people that offer it "don't understand". It's BS, but that is the excuse you tell yourself.

The excuse is understandable. It is a way for you to have or maintain just a little bit of control over other people. If you were to actually take care of yourself, if you were to admit that no one need "understand" to solve your problem, then you lose what little control you have over others.

It is really simple. If you had a friend refusing to drink water that asked for your help what advice would you provide? No matter how elegant you phrased your advice, the bottom line would be "drink water". If that friend replied, "You don't understand," what would you do? Nothing. That's right, you would do nothing more than repeat your advice because your friend would have set up a BS argument. Your friend would slowly lose strength, the entire time blaming other people for his or her situation, while a glass of water sat an arm's length away. The fact would remain you "understanding" your friend would not magically make your friend begin to drink water, because "understanding" would be at the sole discretion of the opinion of your friend. If you wanted your friend to live you would need to sing and dance and play 20 questions, trying to please your friend as they kept repeating, "you don't understand and that is why I do not drink".

Keep it up and certainly, your health will continue to decline and it will not be because people "don't understand". It would and will be 100% on you. No one is responsible for you not eating. You are responsible. No one needs to "understand you" before you choose to eat, not your fiancee, not any therapist, not some stranger in random forum.

[Boogie041312]

Yes you are absolutely correct. I threw myself out here and embarrassed myself just to lash out at other people. Do you really think I’m not already getting proffesional help? Of course I am. I’m on here asking for PERSONAL advice from people who are going through the same thing. Someone responding to get personal help is being a smart donkey and nothing else. I’m not an idiot...I’m very educated and “elegant” if that’s how you want to phrase it. In my opinion you’re the one who needs to lash out. I think you may be the one with the anger problem if my one sentence angered you enough to write three negative paragraphs about someone you don’t even know. Maybe you should kindly check yourself before you judge others. Believe it or not some people actually are on here trying to get help. You have literally NO IDEA what people are going through so until you do you should kindly stfu unless you are actually trying to help. Disrespect is not needed and it’s people like you who make people hesitate to ask for help. You need to rethink yourself before speaking,

[Richard@DecisionSkills]

You have literally NO IDEA what people are going through

Again, this is the BS you are telling yourself. It is the lie that gives you permission to reject whatever advice anyone offers.

You need to rethink yourself before speaking

Actually, I don't. And neither does your therapist(s), fiancee, or any other person where you want to bring out the tired lines of, "You don't understand" or "You have literally NO IDEA..".

Why?

Because we are not the ones with the problem. You are. We are not the ones starving ourselves. You are. We are not the person asking for help. You are.

I’m not an idiot...I’m very educated and “elegant” if that’s how you want to phrase it.

Maybe it is your high opinion of your educated self that is a big part of the issue. You are "educated" enough to starve yourself to death. You are educated enough to reject the advice of professional therapists, your fiancee, and any other person in your life. And this has led you to a forum where you will repeat this same "educated" pattern.

Don't mistake me pointing out all of the above as anger. Is it advice you don't like to hear? Obviously. The truth isn't always pleasant. It hurts that you have put yourself into such a condition caused by no one other than yourself. For all the education, for all the elegance, it can be difficult to take 100% responsibility. It is easier to cast the blame on those providing help for "not understanding".