I need help or I’m going to die (anorexia)

Postby Boogie041312 » Tue Dec 08, 2020 10:51 pm

I really need help. My anorexia is out of control. Let me first say I have borderline personality disorder so my emotions are over intense and can’t stabilize my moods. Over the past year a lot has happened....I’m finally almost finished with a horrible divorce, I was raped by 4 people in April, and it was very violent (I have to go to the dr every month for injections in my shoulder joints from where my shoulders were ripped out of joint) just 2020 in general has been a sh** show. Since my rape in April I have been starving myself. I won’t eat for 4 and 5 days until I’m passing out from starvation. If I do eat (when my fiancé makes me) it’s either one or a half of a meal a day. No more. Just thinking about the calories going into my body will set me into a full blown panic attack. I have lost 8 pants sizes since May and having grown up with this eating disorder I KNOW it’s not okay. Im naturally busty by nature and will never be considered small. I have a so called “picture perfect” hourglass figure and am 5’0 tall and get compliments on my body 24/7. (I also have a masters degree but no one cares about that.) My fiancé absolutely LOVES my body but I still don’t believe him or other people (even strangers) when they tell me I’m stunning and beautiful. Everywhere I go men are hitting on me and catcalling me and this actually makes me feel LESS ATTRACTIVE. Does that make any sense? I’m on my feet 18 hours a day being a single mom and working 10 hours a day so even if I ate normally I wouldn’t be gaining weight from calories. Therapy isn’t working. Now realize that because of my BPD and other past traumas and surgeries where I’ve been physically hurt by other people (I’ve been unlucky with men) I realize I have a problem including other types of self harm. But nothing seems to help because I feel like no one understands. Does anyone have any advice that can help? I know I need it. I’m literally killing myself.
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#1

Postby bawdyheated » Tue Dec 15, 2020 9:00 am

Get someone medical professional help you!
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#2

Postby Boogie041312 » Tue Dec 15, 2020 11:47 am

Wow why didn’t I think of that?
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Dec 15, 2020 3:39 pm

Boogie041312 wrote: But nothing seems to help because I feel like no one understands.


You did not post for help. You posted to vent or express your anger towards anyone that dares to offer advice. Most likely you are in the forum as a last resort as you have rejected all previous advice, you have pushed away everyone else with the excuse that no matter how good the advice it "doesn't work" because the people that offer it "don't understand". It's BS, but that is the excuse you tell yourself.

The excuse is understandable. It is a way for you to have or maintain just a little bit of control over other people. If you were to actually take care of yourself, if you were to admit that no one need "understand" to solve your problem, then you lose what little control you have over others.

It is really simple. If you had a friend refusing to drink water that asked for your help what advice would you provide? No matter how elegant you phrased your advice, the bottom line would be "drink water". If that friend replied, "You don't understand," what would you do? Nothing. That's right, you would do nothing more than repeat your advice because your friend would have set up a BS argument. Your friend would slowly lose strength, the entire time blaming other people for his or her situation, while a glass of water sat an arm's length away. The fact would remain you "understanding" your friend would not magically make your friend begin to drink water, because "understanding" would be at the sole discretion of the opinion of your friend. If you wanted your friend to live you would need to sing and dance and play 20 questions, trying to please your friend as they kept repeating, "you don't understand and that is why I do not drink".

Keep it up and certainly, your health will continue to decline and it will not be because people "don't understand". It would and will be 100% on you. No one is responsible for you not eating. You are responsible. No one needs to "understand you" before you choose to eat, not your fiancee, not any therapist, not some stranger in random forum.
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#4

Postby Boogie041312 » Thu Dec 17, 2020 3:22 pm

Yes you are absolutely correct. I threw myself out here and embarrassed myself just to lash out at other people. Do you really think I’m not already getting proffesional help? Of course I am. I’m on here asking for PERSONAL advice from people who are going through the same thing. Someone responding to get personal help is being a smart donkey and nothing else. I’m not an idiot...I’m very educated and “elegant” if that’s how you want to phrase it. In my opinion you’re the one who needs to lash out. I think you may be the one with the anger problem if my one sentence angered you enough to write three negative paragraphs about someone you don’t even know. Maybe you should kindly check yourself before you judge others. Believe it or not some people actually are on here trying to get help. You have literally NO IDEA what people are going through so until you do you should kindly stfu unless you are actually trying to help. Disrespect is not needed and it’s people like you who make people hesitate to ask for help. You need to rethink yourself before speaking,
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Dec 18, 2020 8:14 pm

Boogie041312 wrote: You have literally NO IDEA what people are going through


Again, this is the BS you are telling yourself. It is the lie that gives you permission to reject whatever advice anyone offers.

Boogie041312 wrote:You need to rethink yourself before speaking


Actually, I don't. And neither does your therapist(s), fiancee, or any other person where you want to bring out the tired lines of, "You don't understand" or "You have literally NO IDEA..".

Why?

Because we are not the ones with the problem. You are. We are not the ones starving ourselves. You are. We are not the person asking for help. You are.

Boogie041312 wrote: I’m not an idiot...I’m very educated and “elegant” if that’s how you want to phrase it.


Maybe it is your high opinion of your educated self that is a big part of the issue. You are "educated" enough to starve yourself to death. You are educated enough to reject the advice of professional therapists, your fiancee, and any other person in your life. And this has led you to a forum where you will repeat this same "educated" pattern.

Don't mistake me pointing out all of the above as anger. Is it advice you don't like to hear? Obviously. The truth isn't always pleasant. It hurts that you have put yourself into such a condition caused by no one other than yourself. For all the education, for all the elegance, it can be difficult to take 100% responsibility. It is easier to cast the blame on those providing help for "not understanding".
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#6

Postby tokeless » Thu Apr 08, 2021 3:34 pm

Do you really think I’m not already getting proffesional help? Of course I am.

So, what help has been offered and what have you done with it?

I’m on here asking for PERSONAL advice from people who are going through the same thing.

I don't have an eating disorder, so how can I help you? Do you only think people with what you have can help? They are in the same position as you surely?

In my opinion you’re the one who needs to lash out. I think you may be the one with the anger problem if my one sentence angered you enough to write three negative paragraphs about someone you don’t even know.

Isn't that exactly what you have done? You don't know Richard and you may not like his opinion, so you lash out at him.... why don't you ask for opinions you agree with? Then again, nobody understands so they can't do that. Richard is correct in that only you can decide to eat or not. Nobody can take that control away from you and interestingly it's the first form of power or control a child develops over their parents. They can dress you how they like, take you where they like but they can't make you eat. The child picks up on the distress of the parent and realises it has some control. You are in control and why give that up when perhaps it's all you have?
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#7

Postby Candid » Sat Apr 10, 2021 7:54 am

Hi Boogie041312,

Rape by one man is quite bad enough, and rape by four is horrific. I've "only" experienced the former, and the effect on me was devastating. I started gaining weight, because of the idea "my body made that man attack me". Societal attitudes about rape don't help, either.

I've never really got over it, and it was decades ago. There was the before-rape me and now there's the since-rape me. Above all we want to make sure that never happens again, right? So there are adjustments to how we live our lives, although in the end we realise actually nothing we can do will guarantee it won't happen again.

Everywhere I go men are hitting on me and catcalling me and this actually makes me feel LESS ATTRACTIVE. Does that make any sense?

It does to me, although I wouldn't phrase it quite that way. For the since-rape me, what were once compliments felt like threats. The only way to "fix" that was to get fat and wear dowdy clothes. Being hit on and/or catcalled no longer means you're beautiful, it's more an act of aggression.

Therapy isn’t working.

Is it therapy for the psychic injury of rape, for your anorexia, or both?

I don't put much stock in catch-all therapy. Therapists vary widely, and very few can handle multiple-issue clients. I would recommend you first find one who specialises in sexual assault, who would be aware of the many issues that raises. You've chiefly focused on anorexia in your post, because excessive weight loss is a direct threat to your life—but you know there's an underlying issue, and if you get specialised help with that I believe the eating problem will resolve itself.

(I’ve been unlucky with men)

I believe you! Rape has been described as "the beginning of a nightmare" because it makes us re-evaluate our whole-life history and relationships. Almost always it's a can of worms, and this is something a savvy sexual assault counsellor would expect and know how to 'manage'. For instance, already having a fiancé when divorce was so recent probably isn't the best idea you've ever had. I urge you not to take any major steps until you're feeling a whole lot better about yourself.

In the UK we have a free counselling service for anyone living with the effects of sexual assault, and all kinds of side-issues come up. The best counselling can take you where you'd prefer not to go, to shut-off memories that have been running you for years. Effective talk therapy will almost certainly mean you're in for a rough ride, but the only way out is through.

If therapy is keeping you in a holding pattern, and above all if you don't feel understood, you may be seeing a lazy therapist. You need to be your own top priority now, and demand what you need.

Best wishes.
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