Narcisitic personality and domestic child abuse

Postby Wajeeeh abbass » Mon Dec 28, 2020 7:04 pm

So my female cousin was sexually molested by her own biological father during the age of 12-15. She had an average education and spent most of her life at the house. She had a habit of staying fit and looking pretty all the time. A few years later she got married to my cousin X. X used to like her from school days. Now she has 3 sons, elder one is 12 years old. While kids were young X found out that she used to talk with other guys on phone. This thing went for a long time. X used to say her to stop contacting others guy but she was bound to do it. So things were messed up while they both were living their life abroad. X didn't disclose anything to her parents. Now in 2020, she came to her home country with kids while X was abroad. Here her mother found out that she is having secret affair with a 22 years old guy while she is 42. But she has maintained herself so well that she looks very younger. her mom then started taking her to a psychologist with. My cousin then started sharing all her feelings with him. Why she likes the 22-year-old guy. She doesn't consider this to be a problem talking to another guy or going for a dinner with him considering she is married with kids. I am not sure if she had sex with the 22-year-old guy. Her mother used to keep her on medicines too from a young age considering her mental problems sometimes. Now things have shocked me and the psychologist when she has told with a heavy heart that she was abused by her father. She made a point that what she is doing right now(dating other guys, talking to random guys and falling in love with them) is nothing compared to what she went through i.e That sin was much bigger than what she is doing. X has given her everything Car, luxurious house everything. But still, she is trying to find love outside. Her husband considers to be mentally ill too I think that's why he is bearing her or maybe because she was his first love. I don't know. Is she faking? Is she just trying to gather sympathy from people so that they must allow her what she wants to do with the rest of her life considering that she spent a lonely life with not many friends? OR all of this mental condition is because of the sexual abuse she went through?
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Dec 28, 2020 10:23 pm

As a cousin, what is your purpose in asking these questions?

If you are just curious about psychology and you want to figure out the cause of different mental conditions I recommend you read a book on clinical psychology or take a few online courses. There are a lot of interesting cases you can use to learn about psychology and how the human mind works.

DO NOT use your cousin as a case study in psychology.

And if you are in the forum because you think you want to get involved and help your cousin, then I would advise that this is not your role in her life. She is 42 and you are not her therapist or marriage counselor. You are just a cousin and as such should limit your support to that of being a cousin, not a psychologist.
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#2

Postby Wajeeeh abbass » Tue Dec 29, 2020 9:23 am

But I am in contact with the psychologist. I just want to ask can she lie about this?
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Dec 29, 2020 2:22 pm

Wajeeeh abbass wrote:But I am in contact with the psychologist. I just want to ask can she lie about this?


You want to know if your female cousin can lie? Of course, the same as you can lie so can she. All humans can lie.

Again, what does it matter to you? If she is lying does it take money from you? No. If she is lying does it take up your time? No.

If she is telling the truth does it take money from you? No. If she is telling the truth does it take up your time? No.

No, no, no, and no. What is going on sounds like "gossip". The story of your female cousin has ZERO influence on your life.

Or am I wrong? Is the truth or fiction of the story your female cousin tells somehow important in your life?
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#4

Postby Wajeeeh abbass » Tue Dec 29, 2020 4:11 pm

Being humans its our responsibility to take care of people around us.She is not a bystander. She is my blood relative. She is like a sister to me. Wasn't expecting such a mean and selfish person to response. Is money everything for you? Please just get the hell out of here.
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#5

Postby tokeless » Tue Dec 29, 2020 4:52 pm

I think you've misunderstood Richard's comments. What is your role or aim in this situation? She is 42, married with children and has capacity to make decisions for herself, even bad ones. I'm not sure what adding you in to the mix would do, other than make it more complicated. It seems people have been trying to fix her without much success... why would adding you be anymore successful? What is her husband's role here? Offer support by all means but don't get involved as this isn't about you, it's her life and her decisions I'm afraid.
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#6

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Dec 29, 2020 4:55 pm

Wajeeeh abbass wrote:Being humans its our responsibility to take care of people around us.She is not a bystander. She is my blood relative. She is like a sister to me.


That is what I am asking. What is your purpose? What is your perceived role in this person's life?

I agree with you. It is our responsibility to take care of the people around us. The question is how? How are we supposed to take care of those around us? How are we supposed to take care of a mom, a dad, a brother, a sister, a female cousin? What is our role?

Is it our role to be a therapist or marriage counselor? Maybe. Are they asking for your advice? In your posts, it doesn't sound like the 42-year-old is asking for your help. From your posts, it sounds like you are intruding, that you are inserting yourself into the life of this 42 year old and attempting to be a therapist or marriage counselor.

DO NOT do that.

And this is my advice to you. This is me taking on the responsibility of helping you as a fellow human. I'm giving you good advice in order to help you. If you go down the path of trying to diagnose your female cousin it will not work out well for you or the family.

You do not need to know if your female cousin is telling the truth or not. You do not need to play psychologist.

Your role is to help your female cousin by being there to help her celebrate holidays with the family, to give her a small amount of money if she asks for it, to help her find a new apartment or to move her things if she needs help, to help her apply for a job if she asks for help, to help her find a good repair shop for her computer if she asks for it, etc. etc.

Your job is not to be her therapist...unless she asks for that help, which it sounds like she has not asked you. Even then, your job would be to help her find a good therapist, not try to become her therapist.
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#7

Postby Wajeeeh abbass » Tue Dec 29, 2020 5:06 pm

I was expecting someone who knows psychology and narcissistic traits and can give any advice that what can we do to ease the situation. Is this kind of selfish behaviour normal from her? What steps should be taken by whom to get her back to her husband and kids. Why you opened the post when you know nothing about narcissistic behavior?
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#8

Postby quietvoice » Tue Dec 29, 2020 6:01 pm

Wajeeeh abbass wrote:I was expecting someone who knows psychology and narcissistic traits and can give any advice that what can we do to ease the situation.

Ease what situation?

Here's some narcissism for you—there are people out there in the world who think that they can tell (order) other people how to go about their daily lives, and will back those "orders" with the use of force. How do we ease that situation?

Wajeeeh abbass wrote:Is this kind of selfish behaviour normal from her?

What make you think it isn't?

Wajeeeh abbass wrote:What steps should be taken by whom to get her back to her husband and kids.

Why, in your innermost being, do you think that you get to dictate how she lives her life?

Why not let her actions run their course? She will receive whatever consequences occur from her actions, from which she can learn and not repeat, or not learn and repeat. It's her life and her lessons.

Wajeeeh abbass wrote: Why you opened the post when you know nothing about narcissistic behavior?

LOL
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#9

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Dec 29, 2020 6:50 pm

Wajeeeh abbass wrote:I was expecting someone who knows psychology and narcissistic traits and can give any advice that what can we do to ease the situation.


Compared to most people I know psychology. I am giving you great advice to help ease your situation.

Honestly, when we see a person we care about, a family member or friend involved in behavior we think is harmful, the steps we can take are pretty simple.

Step -1-: Ask the family member out for coffee.
Step -2-: Say you are concerned and explain your concerns.

In your case, you say something like, "Dear cousin, I only want the best for you, your husband, your children, and the family. I have concerns that this relationship with a young man is not healthy. I think in the future it will be something you will regret."

Step -3-: Finish your coffee.
Step -4-: Leave it alone. Wait for your cousin to ask for help.

Note, that steps 1 through 4 do not require you to know if your cousin has a mental disorder. You do not need to know if she was abused. You give the cousin your opinion and that is the best you can do. You did your part to try and help.

And with this post, I shall follow my own advice. You have a choice to make. You can choose to listen or you can continue trying to play therapist for your cousin. You can follow the steps I have provided, or not.
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#10

Postby tokeless » Tue Dec 29, 2020 7:05 pm

Wajeeeh abbass wrote:I was expecting someone who knows psychology and narcissistic traits and can give any advice that what can we do to ease the situation. Is this kind of selfish behaviour normal from her? What steps should be taken by whom to get her back to her husband and kids. Why you opened the post when you know nothing about narcissistic behavior?


Hold on... I've just checked and there is no mention of narcissist personality in the OP. Who told you she has one? If she has then you are wasting your time because narcissists have no insight and have a high level of entitlement because they see themselves above others. However, please answer the question as to who told you she is a narcissist?
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#11

Postby Wajeeeh abbass » Tue Dec 29, 2020 7:09 pm

His psychologist and I are very close friends. He keeps me updated about everything. He has told me that she has narcissistic traits in her.
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#12

Postby tokeless » Tue Dec 29, 2020 7:14 pm

Wajeeeh abbass wrote:His psychologist and I are very close friends. He keeps me updated about everything. He has told me that she has narcissistic traits in her.


That is grossly unprofessional and if I was her and I found this out I would complain and ask for him to be suspended. It is appalling that he is disclosing information about her with you and it says more about you too. I suspect your intentions are not genuine because you are spying on her...shame on you and this supposed therapist!!
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#13

Postby Wajeeeh abbass » Tue Dec 29, 2020 7:25 pm

That is grossly unprofessional and if I was her and I found this out I would complain and ask for him to be suspended. It is appalling that he is disclosing information about her with you and it says more about you too. I suspect your intentions are not genuine because you are spying on her...shame on you and this supposed therapist!!
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#14

Postby Wajeeeh abbass » Tue Dec 29, 2020 7:28 pm

I am out of here. Bunch of mean retards. "Let her do whatever she wants and bear the f***ing consequences". 3 kids future is on stake.
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