Obsession on love relationships

Postby No0ne » Mon Dec 28, 2020 10:20 pm

I don't know where to start. But every relationship that I have had, was very bad in one way. I can't get my "love" or my crush out of my head. It becomes like an obsession. I just can't feel happy without that person. I want to talk, see and be as much as I can be with that one person. And I hate. I just try not to fall in love. Because I can't think about myself anymore that way.

And It's sad. I want to love somebody, but I don't want to be toxic. And I feel like I am always toxic because of that obsession. It doesn't feel normal. I try to not check the phone, not to think, but it feels so forced, that it doesn't help me to feel any better.

I had two relationships, that lasted a half year - year if that means anything. But all that time doesn't matter. How I trust that person, or how close I am, it didn't change the way I feel. I am 19 and I feel like I should know how to love by now, I tried a lot to concentrate on myself in a relationship, but I kinda feel like I get addicted to that person and nothing can change that.


Any ideas on how to help myself or how not to feel the way I feel?
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Dec 29, 2020 12:40 am

No0ne wrote:Any ideas on how to help myself or how not to feel the way I feel?


At 19 how are you spending your time, i.e. what are the goals in life you are currently pursuing?

The reason for the question is that obsession is only possible if you are sacrificing other priorities, using relationships to avoid other goals.
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#2

Postby No0ne » Tue Dec 29, 2020 10:40 am

I study. So I spend most of my time in online lectures. I wouldn't say I sacrifice my goals. It doesn't change the way I feel about studies or something like that. It's more like a need, constant thinking about somebody that leads to wanting that person more and more(In a way of talking and being with that person). And I just hate those thoughts. I can't feel peace when I am "in love" .

I'm not sure what could I be avoiding.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Dec 29, 2020 3:07 pm

No0ne wrote: It's more like a need, constant thinking about somebody that leads to wanting that person more and more(In a way of talking and being with that person). And I just hate those thoughts. I can't feel peace when I am "in love" .

I'm not sure what could I be avoiding.


I think I phrased it wrong. Let me try again.

At 19 you have strong chemicals, oxytocin/cortisol, testosterone/estrogen, as well as dopamine/serotonin, that release to regulate "love". You are at an age for mating. When you encounter a potential mate your body is being flooded with feel-good chemicals such as oxytocin. As you continue to think about them in a positive way more oxytocin is released. And if they don't respond to your messages you feel pain and stress, cortisol released into your body.

What I meant by avoiding, is that for the above cycle to take place you must have plenty of free time available for your thoughts. If your mind was forced to focus on other goals the ability to reinforce the "love" chemicals would be more difficult.

Imagine being a nurse working in the emergency room during a pandemic. You might find a coworker attractive and even be in a relationship, but you must focus on your patients. You work long shifts, people depend on you, there is no time to "obsess". You might get 4-5 hours of sleep and as soon as you wake your mind is on your patients. Your mind is active with your goals as a nurse, there is too much to do in your profession, so there is just no way to get addicted to the feel-good chemicals thinking about this coworker.

Now imagine a student taking online classes. Even when in class they can allow their mind to drift, they can check their cell phone, they can lose focus and imagine being with a romantic interest. The body releases yet more oxytocin. The student is comfortable, sleeping as many hours as they want, safe in their home during a pandemic. They read and work on classes just enough to get "good enough" grades to stay in university. When they wake the first thing they think about is the romantic interest, not the classes they need to take. Oxytocin is released. They go to eat breakfast and check their phone to see a message from the person they like, more oxytocin is released.

Last, imagine a student taking online classes, but the student is also starting a business, volunteers in his or her community, is a member of a sports league, is growing a garden in the backyard, and is active in an online gaming community. The student has so many goals they are trying to achieve that obsessing about a romantic interest means sacrificing other goals, sacrificing other things they are wanting to accomplish.

The point, if you have time to obsess, what are you sacrificing? What goals are you not pursuing? What activities or pursuits in life are you missing out on?
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#4

Postby No0ne » Tue Dec 29, 2020 7:51 pm

I'm not sure that is possible to be busy every minute. I am a student, I do try my best in my studies, I study design, so I also draw in my free time, not for the studies, it's just a hobby of mine. Of course, I could learn something new, but I just feel like I need some free time, and I like it to spend talking to people. playing games on the computer and something like that. And in general, I think at this time I would just lose my mind if I wouldn't talk to anyone.

It's not just about quarantine, I felt like this since my first relationship, there was a time I was still in school, I worked, but I still felt the same. It doesn't change the fact, that I can't love somebody and not start to depend on that person.

I want to understand how I feel, but I don't think the problem is that I'm not busy enough or that I'm missing out on something. There was plenty of times where I wasn't interested in anyone, but I kept living life just as I do now.

Maybe being super busy would solve that, but it would make me just go crazy. At least the thoughts of not having any free time, or time to relax is making me think like that.
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#5

Postby No0ne » Tue Dec 29, 2020 7:53 pm

Now as I read your message again I'm starting to think, that maybe I just feel the need to get that "good-feel chemical", because it makes me feel good. Yeah. But the point is, that I don't know how not to feel this way. And I want to have a healthy relationship with somebody and not depend on their attention or their love. So I'm still confused.
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#6

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Dec 29, 2020 8:00 pm

No0ne wrote:Maybe being super busy would solve that, but it would make me just go crazy. At least the thoughts of not having any free time, or time to relax is making me think like that.
In

But you don't have free time.

You say you are spending your "free time" as a slave to obsession, as a slave to the mental thoughts of the relationship. How are you free if you are a slave to your thoughts?

Understand, most people have been in your position at some point when younger. Most of us, including me, have been "obsessed" at some point with the emotion of romance, of "love". It is not easy. I understand the struggle, but the solution remains using "free" time to focus on things other than the relationship.

In other words...develop a plan. Develop an IF/THEN that has you doing something with your "free" time whenever you begin to think about the relationship, e.g. IF I begin to think about the relationship, THEN I relax by engaging in a video game. IF I begin to think about the relationship, THEN....insert something you can do to take your mind off the relationship.

Edit: By having a few IF/THEN options you can work on reducing the need for the feel good chemical.
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#7

Postby No0ne » Wed Dec 30, 2020 12:00 am

Okay, I understand your point. I think keeping myself from thinking about my relationship will make me less "obsessed", but I don't think It will change the way I FEEL. And I always feel like my life starts to depend on that person, it just feels like it becomes more important than anything else. I can make myself not think about it when I'm not with that person. But if I talk to that person or spend time with that person, I will feel the same bad feelings, the same dependence on that person.

I'm trying to understand how to form a healthy relationship, more than how not to make myself not interested in that at all
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#8

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Dec 30, 2020 12:40 am

No0ne wrote:I'm trying to understand how to form a healthy relationship, more than how not to make myself not interested in that at all


Use a common example. There is an epidemic of obesity in first-world countries. A lot of people have an unhealthy relationship with food. They struggle to understand how to control the feel-good chemicals that they crave. It is not that they don't want to have zero interest in chocolate cake, but how do they form a healthy relationship with food?

I realize this is not an apples for apples comparison, but try not to dismiss it right away. Think about the similarities. You want a healthy relationship with food, but it is so easy to fall into the trap of eating more and more and more. For many people living in first-world countries, there is an abundance of food full of tasty, delicious, sugar filled goodness.

It isn't about never eating chocolate cake. It's about learning to manage, being able to develop self-discipline, to be able to delay gratification. It isn't easy, hence there are many obese people.

The same can be said for other addictive activities, i.e. gambling, drugs, Internet porn, etc.

If you are looking for an easy solution, if you are looking for an easy technique, strategy, or way to decrease your obsessive pattern, it isn't going to happen. There is no magic pill for you to take. The good news is you recognize your problem. Now you have to be willing to put in the work, to put in the effort.
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