Discarded by Mom

Postby moonshine00 » Sat Jan 09, 2021 4:32 pm

Is my mother narcissistic? I have been thinking about this lately because of how she discarded me. I have been depressed and having anxiety attacks for almost 5 months now, and I believe she knows and hears it, but she doesnt care. She eats and sleeps well. We are 5 children in the family, and I am the 2nd. Growing up, I feel like i had to keep a strong facade but deep inside I felt lost and alone. I was avoidant when it comes to relationships with other people, noticed that I couldnt form general close bonds with others, only to those that need me. Then as I understand things, I got to know that my feeling of being lost, alone and resentful is because my mom is emotionally unavailable. Plus the fact my parents were mostly on silent treatment with each other. That's how we grew up. She's the type of mother who gives too much freedom, she wont call to ask where you are, and no bonding communication. So after college, I had the realization that I needed to put in effort to really bond with her and be close to her. I pampered her, massaged her, served her, etc. I admit that I can be sensitive, such as when she would keep nagging about water drips on the kitchen floor, and I said of course I am cooking thats why... and that why does she always notice those that I do, but never even asked my youngest sister to even wash her own dishes. So we had these fights but would eventually reconcile. A few months ago, we had argument about a rejective behavior she has, and i didnt talk with her cause she only said sorry because she needed something. Then suddenly, she began excluding me, from food, when ordering food, totally ignored, discarded me. and so i got angry at first, then depressed. Now, she's beginning to be totally close with my youngest sister, a selfish brat. They go out together, when before, we would usually be the ones to do so. I am totally outcasted and treated as if I dont exist. I went on youtube to read up and understand all these, and came to know about the term "Narcissist". I am confused because some say a trait a narcissist has is that he/she wants validation and attention... which i also do want because i have been longing for a mother who will support me emotionally. It also says narcissist can use silent treatment, which i do sometimes because of anger, i would prefer silence first. Or am i a codependent? Because I am more used to giving and giving, and i felt so betrayed now because after all I did for my mom, always thinking what she wants, how to pamper her, doing everything to protect her esp in times of this pandemic, that she got to discard me like this.. most times i felt like i couldnt function...and that if i couldnt feel safe and trust my mother, then who can i trust? maybe my father also felt this way, which is why after 16 years, he still feels strong hatred towards my mom. We left following our mom, while my dad was asleep. Now thinking back about it, he must have hurt so much and struggled a lot about the same feeling of being discarded... I feel like i couldnt move on now.............crying almost everyday during the first 4 months and waking up anxious at night and unable to sleep. Now, occassionally I do..... Thank you for reading this far..... Has anyone experienced same?
moonshine00
New Member
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 4:10 pm
Likes Received: 0


#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Jan 09, 2021 11:57 pm

moonshine00 wrote: So after college...


It is now 2021. You are a college graduate. Since the situation is so horrible for you, crying all the time, what is your plan to move out and be on your own?
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 11336
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 1185

#2

Postby moonshine00 » Sun Jan 10, 2021 4:02 am

I wanted to move out initially at first, but i lost my source of income. At times, I feel so defeated and wanted to confront her...and maybe she'll feel sorry....but afraid of being rejected in my face.
moonshine00
New Member
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 4:10 pm
Likes Received: 0

#3

Postby Candid » Sun Jan 10, 2021 8:40 am

This sounds like scapoegoating, https://lynnenamka.com/narcissism/scape ... y-pattern/, and for some reason it's very often the second child who's chosen.

I'm a second child/family scapegoat as well, and I know how hurtful and damaging it is. A part of the pattern is that the mother decides which child is the "bad" one and rest of the family goes along with it,

Depression, anxiety, insomnia and Complex PTSD are the natural results of being the "bad" one who can't do anything right, tries too hard to please, and winds up with relational problems outside the family as well. It also sets you up to be an easy target for users and abusers everywhere.

most times i felt like i couldnt function...and that if i couldnt feel safe and trust my mother, then who can i trust?


I realise it's not a good time to start seeing a therapist, but if there's ONE person who sees what's going on, maybe a relative who sticks up for you and who you like, it can be helpful to talk to this person about your feelings.

You might also recognise yourself on Pete Walker's website:
The genesis of Complex PTSD is most often associated with extended periods of ongoing physical and/or sexual abuse in childhood. My observations however convince me that ongoing extremes of verbal and/or emotional abuse also cause it. ~ http://www.pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html

Then if you want to discuss your troubles with people who have similar ones, sign up to https://www.outofthestorm.website/.
Candid
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 9248
Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2010 10:00 am
Likes Received: 465

#4

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Jan 10, 2021 5:51 pm

moonshine00 wrote: At times, I feel so defeated and wanted to confront her...and maybe she'll feel sorry....but afraid of being rejected in my face.


So you want to use your time to be confrontational and you hope that this confrontation will make your mother feel sorry. This means you are seeking some sort of mental retribution, some "equal" pain with the idea that mom has an epiphany, the light bulb goes off and she says, "What have I done? Oh, I'm so sorry for hurting your feelings my precious daughter. I did not realize I was acting this way and you were in such pain because of me. I will change."

But you fear taking this confrontational approach because you fear more pain. You fear she will rebuff your attempts to deliver your own pain, to make her feel sorry.

I don't think the above is a good use of your time. I don't think focusing on your emotions and ruminating about confronting your mother is healthy or productive. I think it is both unhealthy and a waste.

moonshine00 wrote: I wanted to move out initially at first, but i lost my source of income.


Finding a source of income and becoming an independent adult is where you should focus your time. It is healthy. It is positive. It is productive. Channel your energy into this goal.

As for Candid's advice, I don't recommend pursuing reading information about how you are a victim/survivor of your parents/family until AFTER you become an independent adult living on your own. If you start looking into that information while still living with your parents it will just keep you trapped, dependent on your parents, and possibly make you feel even worse about your situation.

After you have become an independent adult, then you can decide how to best use your time. Maybe then exploring concepts like Complex PTSD will be of greater benefit.
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 11336
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 1185

#5

Postby moonshine00 » Fri Jan 15, 2021 2:31 am

Thank you both for your replies. Yes, I currently looking for a job and hopefully to find one soon that can support me renting out my own place. I just have a strong fear of being alone, including living alone........and i dont know how to deal with this...but will do my best to endure this rather than feel defeated everyday.............. Thank you for the link to the supppport group as well. God bless you both
moonshine00
New Member
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 4:10 pm
Likes Received: 0

#6

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Jan 15, 2021 2:46 am

moonshine00 wrote: Yes, I currently looking for a job and hopefully to find one soon that can support me renting out my own place. I just have a strong fear of being alone, including living alone........


You don't have to live alone. Get a roommate. Not only does this help reduce the cost it helps deal with the social aspects.
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 11336
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 1185



Return to Relationships