Am I right for not pursuing this connection?

Postby xlunalovelyx » Sun Jan 17, 2021 5:49 pm

Ok so this is half a rant half me wanting some general advice and guidance please :) I would really appreciate another perspective on this matter.

So basically I went on this 'date'. We spoke on facetime before we met and we got on okay and all that. It got quite sexual quite quickly and this was reciprocal and we both kind of knew this was all about this sort of thing so we decided to book a hotel to hang out and have some fun in this respect. Even though we kind of knew this was sexual when we met up he immediately went to kiss me which I was quite taken aback by (is this a normal response? I feel like I knew this would happen but it was like I really didn't like this - I at least thought there would be some preamble I guess) Also he put his hand up my skirt! This was within 5 minutes of meeting and I was shocked and told him not to do that) I felt very uncomfortable and that my personal boundaries weren't being respected (am I right for thinking this or was I 'asking' for it?) I don't know. Weirdly, this whole encounter put me off immediately and I felt almost repulsed by him and I kept trying to put of sex but I kind of felt like I had to - he said it was okay and stuff and he didn't pressurise me or anything and he wouldn't of made me do anything but I ended up doing so - I ended up feeling very regretful and I had this weird empty and alone feeling, it was like I felt more alone than I had done than if I was actually alone. I felt very disconnected from him and I had this pit of the stomach feeling and it made me feel very lonely and I kept thinking about how much I wanted to be with someone else. Also, he kept talking about how this was going to be my 'last' date and he said 'we can't have you speaking to anyone else' - this immediately sent of alarm bells and I felt a very urgent need to get out as soon as possible - I felt so pressurised yet so disconnected from him it was so weird. Anyways fast forward to the next day we went out for breakfast together which was quite nice I suppose and we had a nice meal and all that - I said how nice his cake looked and he immediately was like 'you're not having any- this is for myself' :/ ok so I didn't actually WANT any but him showing this unwillingness to share put me off so much. In previous connections I have had people been like here try some and I think that is so nice - not that I EXPECT it but I feel it just shows politeness (am I just being high maintenance??) I am a little bit I admit but am I right in finding this unattractive or am I just being overdramatic? - so he text me later saying if I was interested in seeing him again and I said yes, I know this is so bad of me because I wasn't but I still didn't want to hurt someone's feelings!!! - I need to be better at being able to let people down gently I think. Anyways he kept suggesting that we meet up and he kept saying we could go to his and 'watch a movie' and he kept making hints that he needed to 'train' me to be better and less lazy in bed. I said I am not up for anything sexual right now and said I wasn't in the mood but we ended up meeting at the park. He kept kissing me and I kissed back - I felt bad to say no but I really wasn't into it to be honest. So he continued to text/call and then we went out again but I kept trying to put things off, I really didn't want to but I felt bad saying no :/ so basically the third time we went out he went out of this gate and he let the gate swing in my face - I was quite put off by this - I feel that the polite thing to do is to open the door for someone, I mean if I were going out first I would of held it open to him. We also went to get a drink and he didn't offer to get me one - and then he kept going on about 'equality' and 'double standards' and that it should be equal between men and women. I admit I am actually quite old fashioned and traditional and I quite like someone to protect and look after me (is that okay? not that I'm a gold-digger I have my own job and stuff - but I do quite like the gesture of someone offering me something and being attentive to me). I also had this egg sandwich and he kept saying 'ewwww chicken period how can you eat that' and I was like it tastes good. I felt this was quite sanctimonious (am I right being put off by this). He also kept making comments on how shy and quiet I am and said 'maybe you have autism' - I felt quite offended by this, I don't think he meant it in a horrible way but I am not autistic - not that there is anything wrong with this or autism but I am just a quiet sort of person and I don't like it it when people mislabel people in this way just for having a certain personality trait. He then continued to press me whether I actually liked him or not and I was all like you're great BUT and all that - I was just saying I wasn't ready for a relationship right now and stuff but he said ok I'm not going to make any moves towards you I will let you come onto me and reach out to me. He said 'I'm not going to try to pursue you anymore' so basically I didn't but he then proceeded to text me asking to meet up and go for 'walks' and to watch 'movies' together. I kept saying no sorry I'm busy with work. And he was all like ok no pressure but then he continued to text me and he has done for the past few months and he will call a lot here and there. I think he has got the message now though. But am I right for not wanting to continue things with this guy? Am I being too fussy? I can't help just shake the feeling that there was something up if he kept on calling/texting like that - is it a sign there was something dodgy about this guy? Is my intuition correct? As I type this I realise that I think I might of led him on a bit ( I did actually end up saying I don't want to accidentally lead you on) but how can I be better at letting someone down? What is the best way to let someone down gently? Please could I have some advice?
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#1

Postby xlunalovelyx » Sun Jan 17, 2021 6:21 pm

Also, should I continue dating other people? I feel kind of guilty and I am also scared about having to reject someone again - what would be the best action to take for me? Please could I have some advice on this too. Thank you so much x
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#2

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Jan 17, 2021 6:34 pm

I realize this is half rant and half asking for advice so the advice I'm about to give might sound a bit counter-intuitive at first, but here goes...

STOP asking. Make up your own mind.

You decide. You make up your own mind. You don't need some stranger on a forum to tell you if you are right or wrong. You do not need different opinions about this or that or the other thing about how you should or should not feel regarding the relationship.

What you wrote screams that you are unsure of yourself, that you lack self-confidence, that you want other people to tell you how you should act, how you should feel about every aspect of your life.

My advice is to go back through your post and every place where you ask some version of "Was I right?" you make up your mind. You decide for yourself.

The above stated I will reinforce where you already know that you were wrong. You know that you were wrong when you agreed to go out with him a second time. And I'm sure if you are totally honest with yourself, the reason he came on so strong immediately upon meeting was because in the FB chats you both led each other to believe it was all about sex. As you stated, "It got quite sexual quite quickly and this was reciprocal and we both kind of knew this was all about this sort of thing so we decided to book a hotel to hang out and have some fun in this respect."

At this point, I don't think you are ready to be involved in an intimate relationship. You definitely are not ready for any sort of sexual relationship. I think you need to work on yourself first, gaining confidence of your own values, your beliefs, what you want and what you don't want.
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#3

Postby xlunalovelyx » Sun Jan 17, 2021 6:58 pm

Wow I really appreciate this. This was quite brutal but thank you I think I needed it its funny because I do think this is so true. I mean I totally get that this was expected because of how things were on facetime and that but what is wrong with me? Why did I suddenly pull away when I was so into it? Also, this makes me kind of sad, even though I do appreciate your honesty, because I wonder will I ever be in a place mentally where I can be in an intimate relationship - I don't want to upset anyone or anything so it is totally best I don't go for one - but how do I know I am ready, what will my mindset be like when I am? Will I just be more confident in my decisions? Or are there other indicators of this?
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#4

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Jan 17, 2021 7:33 pm

I think a good start would be writing down your core beliefs, what you value in life, the rules you have...what are your personal "Ten Commandments".

For example, consider a person that writes down a core belief, "Sex is for after marriage". That belief drastically changes how they approach intimacy, right? Conversely, if they right down, "Premarital sex is okay" that provides guidance for their behavior. But, what if they don't know? What if they don't know what they believe in, or what they value? Well, then they end up struggling to make a decision. Should they have sex, should they not have sex? They end up conflicted because they don't know what they believe about a major event that could be life changing.

Consider the simple rule, "Thou shalt not steal". It makes life pretty easy when it comes to deciding to shoplift a pack of gum. And it does create some interesting moral dilemmas, like whether or not it is okay to steal bread if it is to feed a hungry person. But, this doesn't change the rule. Because you have core values of honesty, integrity, etc. you hold the belief "Thou shalt not steal" and this makes 99.9% of your decisions about stealing fairly easy.

I suggest you take a few weeks or months to write down what you value, what you believe. Then whether or not you hang out with a person that doesn't open a door for you will be a much easier decision. You will no longer need to ask strangers if they think it was right or wrong. You won't have to ask other people to give you opinions of what or how you should think. Instead, when you are conflicted you can refer back to the values you have written down and see if your behavior is consistent with those values.

And of course as you grow, learn, and mature over time you can adjust and update your values.

Many years ago I went through this exercise. I wrote down things that I value. I wrote down some principles to help guide my decisions. And over time those values have changed slightly and they continue to change. For instance, one of the things I use to value more than anything was "Freedom". I actually wrote that down as one of my top values. Over time, I revised how I thought about freedom. It is not as great a value as you might think. Too much freedom leads to a lack of discipline. I still value freedom, but how I view it has changed.

Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent at this point. The bottom line is you need to take some time to establish your core values. What are your highest values, honesty, integrity, kindness?
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#5

Postby xlunalovelyx » Sun Jan 17, 2021 7:42 pm

This is great advice thank you so so much. I really appreciate you taking the time to help with my situation. I'm quite excited to work on this now :) thank you again!
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