People thinking i'm gay

Postby foster.edward87 » Tue Jan 19, 2021 10:55 am

Hello everyone. I had really intense anxiety previous years. I lost interest in friendships and any communication with people.Currently i'm with tendency of recovery, but still without friendships.
In my young childhood my father was alchocolic and mother always with depression, without communicating with any friends. Father never gave me any advice nor to my sister about anything. Mother, without any experience never had any suggestion about anything. Always felt left out of everything. I see that at my sister also.
When i started faculty i started some friendships where i didn't know how to behave, always as some kind of nerd and fool at same time. Always had some kind of disagrement since primary school and many were taking me as nerd with good grades.At faculty i meet girlfriend which broke my heart after several months of relationship. I started drinking too much with friends. I was wandering with people without any reason. Here i need to explain exactly what happened and i need advice from people willing to tell something about:
When i was about 5yo old i was kind of sexually abused by my mother, she was sometimes touching my penis when no one else was around. Also was showing me her breasts sometimes. I didn't know what that meant. I think i told that to my father at some moment then and after she told him i'm child making story. She was lost with her alchocolic husband and later i heard she aborted anoter son after 3 months of pregnancy. She was always kind of weird and shy communicating with people. Today i have a girlfriend and don't see my parents so much, trying to have nice communication.
So my young relationhip with mother i didn't know how to understand. At about 13 years old i saw my penis is getting big and didn't know why, as always noone told about anything. So after saw white seemen comming out for first time i was scared as hell. After that i was faping regularly, imagining girlfriends from school. When started secondary school i got pc and was watching porn. Lot of types of girlfriends excited me and was really horny.
In that time i was curious about anal satisfaction. It was interesting to think about. So sometimes i was watching regular porn with girls putting something to my anus and faping thinking about satisfyng myself as to girl. Moment i cummed, i stoped anal satisfaction. Later i learnt aboug male g spot. It wasn't so common to do it, but after that i was walking strange a bit. No one noticied that i thought.
Then i met my first girlfriend at faculty and i didn't do that in that time. She was virgin and didn't want sex, but we loved each other and were doing staff in bed sometimes. I was really happy. When she left me i started drinking havily and sometimes again anal satisfying myself while watching porn. I tried to see gay porn but i didn't like that at all.
So where my hell begins. When some people self called friends, wanting me just when needed to do some favour for them, which i was drinking and using marijuana with, figured out i'm walking strange. Then they figured out i was anal satifying myself. Then they pronounced me as gay, talking behind my back. They concluded since they never see me with any girlfriend, any courage to be in relationship, always not good will, i must be gay. They tried to pare me with gay person. It was talking without saying anything but you can read betwen lines if you understand. They brought me to breaking line where i got totaly mad and left them. I left many friend groups without talking to anyone, drinking alone in my room. I told that to my parents, as result i got them assuming me as gay. They told about their assumption to everyone they know. I got really scared about everything. I was drinking and not talking to anyone. Always hearing them through doors talking about gay things about me betwen lines. And as always not talking with me about anything. I became scared about doing anything wrong, walking wrong, telling anything that can lead to conlusion me as gay. When i got totaly lost alone, i was walking across streets to feel better but then i was more scared about people judging me. Scared that someone with look me to eyes as that gay person watching me. When i was drunk i felt better and more confident. At more than year of critical anxioty and depression i started to meet people more but always drunk with some kind of impoved self esteem. I started meeting prostitues where i lost my virginity. I got really nice penis massages also which now i see in some correlation with things happend when i was child.
It was before 10 years ago now. I have girlfriend, we have good sex, i'm not doing wrong ways about it. I still don't have many friend, and scary thoughts remained at some level. I'm still scared that someone wil pronounce me wrongly and in that case call me a liar and ruin me everything i made. I think my foolines still remained at some level and i will never understand that what i think matters and not that anyone make me.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Jan 19, 2021 2:36 pm

Three things:

-1- Pegging. You enjoy anal where a woman stimulates your g-spot. That is normal and can be a perfectly healthy part of an intimate relationship. Pegging is not gay.

-2- Paying for penis massages, i.e. handjobs has nothing to do with your mother. Believe it or not, regardless of the relationship with their mothers, normal men enjoy handjobs, go figure.

-3- Stop using your mother and father to create a story in your head about your sexuality. Your father didn't cause you to enjoy pegging. Your mother didn't cause you to enjoy pegging. Your mother didn't cause you to enjoy handjobs. Your father didn't cause you to enjoy handjobs. Just stop that nonsense. You don't need to have a story for why you enjoy a certain type of sex. It is ridiculous. Stop it. And don't apologize for enjoying what you enjoy.

With your mother and father, it does sound like they did not communicate with you very well. As you said, your parents did not give any advice. This is a problem, but it is also very, very common. It is definitely a very common issue when it comes to sex. Parents often times struggle to give advice to their children about sex and sexuality. And it sounds like your parents did not provide you with much support or advice when it came to social relationships and self-confidence. Still, you seem confident and capable enough to get girlfriends.

The bottom line...work on being less emotionally immature about your sexuality. Don't get me wrong, emotionally immaturity is something every person goes through. We are all sexually ignorant and it takes time and experience to gain comfort in this area. You seem to be struggling with being comfortable with your sexuality and instead of embracing and exploring in a positive way, you are trying to create negative stories that scapegoat or otherwise blame your parents.
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#2

Postby foster.edward87 » Wed Jan 20, 2021 6:25 am

Thank you @Richard for your reply. The answer you told about emotional immaturity seems to be the most precise description of my personality that years. It actually determined my results in that period. Results which were leading to more and more bad decisions..
I described some things that probably weren't necesary, but with opionin that it might be valuable with giving opinion. I'm happy there is internet with anonimity so to be honest i never told about these things ever before. It makes some kind of relief as something in past.
Yes, i understand my sexuallity has nothing to do with my parents, but would probably behave different if things were normal. My parents these days have some kinds of high pressure problems, and now i communicate with them sometimes, but i have my life now and it's different now. I forgave them about anything i thought wrong in order to feel better myself more, also.
My pegging situation is not appearing again. I'm not thinking and wanting it anymore..Here where i live people don't understand much about those things. It's some kind of taboo.
So because of anonimity i can freely tell about things. In same that environment, my a bit older sister was also under rough father's voice. He didn't beat her as me, for mistakes i did and i didn't get exact reason why. It was pure sadism in these situations. That's his opinion of correct raising of children.
My sistem is nearing 40s and always in problem with relationships, to be exact it was always about being more friend than in relationships with those guys. She might be even more emotinal immature. I think that she is still virgin as i conlude from speaking. I feel sorry for that. She badly want to meet and marry someone.
It is not mature to blame parents. One additional thing i cannot forgive them is they never realised how my sister is unhappy and she was ridiculed since primary school. At some point they sent her to special school where she had best grades of all. What that tells you ? Big crap. That lead her to more and more low self esteem at same time. She was there because she couldn't learn in regular school because of laughter for her from other kids. And they didn't have any clue how to help her about that.
Situations i described made my depressions intense and pure hell. But as i told, there is only good hope remained.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Jan 20, 2021 1:33 pm

foster.edward87 wrote:It is not mature to blame parents. One additional thing i cannot forgive them is they never realised how my sister is unhappy and she was ridiculed since primary school. At some point they sent her to special school where she had best grades of all. What that tells you ? Big crap. That lead her to more and more low self esteem at same time. She was there because she couldn't learn in regular school because of laughter for her from other kids. And they didn't have any clue how to help her about that.


Yes, it is not mature to blame parents.

That does not mean parents did not make mistakes. It does not mean parents were perfect. Parents...all parents...make mistakes. Parents are human. It sounds like your parents made many mistakes, but at the same time look at what you wrote.

" I cannot forgive them...They sent her to special school"...

What other option did your parents have? Your parents recognized a problem. Your parents recognized your sister needed help. And what did your parents do? Did they ignore the problem? No. They tried. They made an effort to help your sister by sending her to a different school.

You might not agree with the decision of your parents. In your mind what other option did they have? Were your parents suppose to force the other kids to no longer make fun of your sister? Were your parents suppose to go to the school, go to the teachers, and try to change everyone for your sister?

I'm not saying sending your sister to a special school was the only option, or even the best option, but it does show that your parents did not just ignore the problem. Your parents recognized a problem and took the action they thought best.

What do you think your parents should have done?
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#4

Postby foster.edward87 » Thu Jan 21, 2021 12:02 pm

Thank you for your reply. It was fast decision. They heard it will be easier for her to go there, she will get more care from teachers.. If parents didn't know how to solve problem they should have scheduled her appointments with school psycholigist. I could describe it like this: I'm a chess player, some intermidiate level not expert yet and i always choose to play with absolute beginners. What's the point ? If i want to become better in game i have to play with players same level or better. So with all respect for persons with disabilities, my sister didn't have friends judging and making fun of her in that other school, but what kind of advancment could she expect there..She learnt that retreating in any battle is better solution. I can say that in some times i feels same. Even my faculty diploma doesn't determine who i am. So i can tell that we cannot change the past, but must live now.
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Jan 21, 2021 2:34 pm

foster.edward87 wrote:Thank you for your reply. It was fast decision. They heard it will be easier for her to go there, she will get more care from teachers.. If parents didn't know how to solve problem they should have scheduled her appointments with school psychologist.


It sounds like a very tough decision. It sounds like a decision with no correct answer.

Solution #1: Go to a school where she is no longer bullied and she will get care from more teachers. But she learns that it is sometimes okay to "retreat" from a battle.

Solution #2: Continue to get bullied, struggle in school, while having appointments with a school psychologist. But she learns it is never okay to "retreat" from a battle.

In your mind, the only solution is #2. You "know" that is never okay to retreat from a battle. You know the solution that your parents do not know.

Not only do you want to say that you are 100% certain that solution #2 is the better option, but you want to also say parents choosing solution #1 is "unforgivable"? Really?

So you think schools for children with disabilities should not exist? You think all of those schools should just be closed down so children with disabilities learn that "retreating" is never an option? Or are you okay that there are some schools that provide additional teachers for some children?

And do you truly think it is never okay to retreat from a battle? Do you not think the strongest warriors know when to fight and when to retreat? There is wisdom in knowing when and how to retreat.
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#6

Postby foster.edward87 » Fri Jan 22, 2021 7:51 am

Thank you for your reply. It's alright to retreat and not to be always right. Also schools for children with disabilities should exist to help those kids. There also shouldn't exist school psychologist if you don't give them any try. I like your attitude to bring positive point to any situation.
I'm telling that thing because some time before, psychiatrist confirmed that to her. He told that she is more that enough smart and should have attended regular school. After that i see regret my parents feeling. So i don't hate them, maybe even there is not anything to forgive and not to forgive, maybe i'm just thinking that i wouldn't do the same, and i knew this before psychiatrist's opinion.
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#7

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Jan 22, 2021 2:48 pm

foster.edward87 wrote:I'm telling that thing because some time before, psychiatrist confirmed that to her. He told that she is more that enough smart and should have attended regular school. After that i see regret my parents feeling.


What if the psychiatrist was wrong? You say "confirmed" but that is not a fact. Psychiatrists make a best guess.

For future decisions in your life, something that you might find interesting is called Type I and Type II error. This is useful for understanding very tough decisions that may result in a significant "mistake" or error in both directions. It is for decisions that can be lose/lose situations.

For example, you get a notice in the mail to serve on a jury. A man has been charged with murder and you must help decide innocence or guilt. You are in a potential lose/lose scenario. If you convict the man when he is innocent that is a Type I error. It is a false positive, sending a man to jail for a crime he did not commit. On the other hand, if you find the man innocent when he was actually guilty that is a Type II error. It is a false negative, allowing a dangerous man into the public and denying the family of the victim justice.

Type I/II error happens all the time. It takes place when making an investment in the stock market, when deciding if you should get surgery, or when deciding if you should take a job with a new company.

It also happened with your parents and this psychiatrist. How many children are labeled positively as disabled when actually they are not disabled? Type I error. How many children are labeled as capable of attending regular school, when actually they need a special school? Type II error.

Another thing to consider is called "hindsight bias". This is a powerful way of looking back on a decision and believing you knew the correct answer all the time. But this is not accurate. When the decision took place you had no idea of the correct answer. You did not know if you should invest in stock A or stock B, but now it has been a year and you look back and say, "I knew it!"

With your sister and your parents it is impossible to go back in time and recreate the exact conditions under which they made the tough decision to send her to a school for more support. It is possible that the special school helped her. Without people making fun of her, with additional help she felt less stress and advanced quickly. Now a psychiatrist says, "She is capable, she should have never been in that school." That is potentially a form of hindsight bias.

Note: I am not saying you are wrong, that your parents are wrong, or that the psychiatrist was wrong. I'm only offering up that some decisions in life are very tough and that errors can be made by everyone involved. We don't live in a world of perfect information.

Last...you say you see that your parents experienced regret from their decision. Regret is a type of emotional pain associated with the decisions we make. If your parents did not care about your sister they would not experience the pain of regret.
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#8

Postby bawdyheated » Sun Jan 24, 2021 5:42 am

Very interesting, always an informative reply from this community.
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#9

Postby foster.edward87 » Fri Jan 29, 2021 1:07 pm

@Richard, thank you very much for your replies. I have been thinking from time to time about things you told, it was helpfull. All the best!
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