Postby balaali » Sat Jan 23, 2021 8:38 pm

I am a 19 year old guy living in a student house. Around 3 months ago on a I was smoking (weed), which I had been doing for the previous few years not too regularly but I was most definitely comfortable with it, when out of nowhere this song was playing coupled with some mentioning of the word gay and it got into my head. I started having all these thoughts coming to me to convince me that I'm gay, such as I have always liked to watch and play sports because men are involved, and I tried to fight them but they kept coming and in a very short amount of time I was having, what I now realise, a panic attack. For the next few days I started freaking out and having a lot of anxiety until I came across the concept of 'intrusive thoughts', this calmed me down for around a week maybe more, until the thoughts started coming again. From then on thoughts have been very persistent and have not only stopped me from doing work, but also have taken my enjoyment out of everything as anything I do I start to question in my head whether there was something gay about it. I went through the usual compulsions such as extensively looking at pictures of the girls and praying and this was helping me in the short term, but now its worn off and almost works against me as ill look at a picture and start doubting my linking it more and more. I found out about HOCD around 2/3 weeks ago and when I read the symptoms and various stories I could relate everything to what I had been experiencing and I was calm for a few days as I knew that my inner feeling that I am straight was right this whole time. However, as you can predict, since then my mind has worked around that too and has been trying to convince me otherwise since then. In the past month and a bit my thoughts have led to thinking about my past and questioning much about it, along with questioning whether I like my flatmates as more than just friends for stupid reasons that nonetheless get into my head and affect me. I've lost the sense of feeling many emotions as these thoughts are persistently there, but there have been moments where I've been able to push them away. I would like some advice on what to do as I know I can get past this eventually, but many times it wears me down to the point where I lose belief. I tried to keep this short and missed out events and points of my story but I hope its enough for some advice.
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Postby rsgracey » Tue Jan 26, 2021 2:13 am

I would be glad to talk with you about what it's like to be gay--I've been gay for 54 years, came out at 18 and have been completely open with my family since I was 21. I've been married to my husband for more than 23 years. If you'd like to test ideas with me about whether how you feel is anything like what it's like to be me, then just let me know.

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