A strongly repressed Anima about to explode, what to do?

Postby Regulus » Wed Jan 27, 2021 9:08 pm

Hi everyone,

I'm a male in mid 30's. I had a frew heartbreaks in the past and these hit me very badly. I felt weak because of them, so what I've been doing in my last 15 years is that I intentionally stopped establishing relationships with women with the hope that when I'd get a bit older breakups wouldn't hit me so badly.
Recently I started looking for a girlfriend again on dating sites, because now I'm getting out of age a bit, but what I found out is that my attachment to women probably got even worse.

Looking after an explanation I've learned about the Anima concept of jungian psychology. It perfectly explained my emotional life. What I did over the years was that I just swept the thing under the rug and repressed my Anima so much that now that it looks like a shaken can of soda, if it gets the tinyest impulse it want's to explode.

If I see a profile of some random girl on a dating site that looks suitable for me I immediatelly fall in love with her without even having said hello. I'm not kidding. I even feel physical symptoms that I never felt before like my breathing changes, I feel warmth filling my body, stomach spasm.

It happened a few weeks ago for the first time and I was like WTF??? Do I have a flashback from molly? I didn't take molly for 17 years now. I also don't do any drugs other for a very long time now.

After I slept the feeling passed but the next week the same thing happened with another girl. And again and again with others. It seems that I'm falling in love immediatelly with anyone whom I find attractive to the slightest extent.

I can't date anyone this way. I want a clean head. Not that I don't want to feel emitions later when I get to know someone, but I wan't these emotions to be sparked by the real personality of a woman, and not by an image in my head that I'm projecting to other women.

What should I do? Is there a therapy for such a condition?

Any help would be appreciated.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Jan 28, 2021 5:11 am

Consider cognitive behavioral or exposure therapy.

And as an alternative to dating sites ask real women in your city out for coffee. The dating site is a fantasy that does not allow real exposure to actual people. It strengthens rather than reduces the fantasy.
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#2

Postby Regulus » Thu Jan 28, 2021 9:10 pm

Hi Richard,

thanks for your reply. I think what you say sounds a better idea, because in real life situations it's easier to focus on reality, however as I see myself real women work also as a projection screen for my unconscious. When I see them on the street or while shopping I feel that if I stared them long enough I'd fall in love with all of them.

In the meanwhile I was looking for an answer and found an old post where someone wrote that if you fall for women too easily it's because you subconsciously see them as a substitute for your mother. It happens when you didn't get enough love from your mother, which is quite true in my case.

Do you think that this could be valid? If yes, how could I fix this?
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Jan 28, 2021 9:39 pm

Regulus wrote:Do you think that this could be valid? If yes, how could I fix this?


The fix is the same. You actually talk with real women.

Just looking at women, whether online or reality will keep the fantasy going.

Actual conversation will quickly allow you to realize, “Oh, this person is not my mother and is not a sex object. This person is not a fantasy, but has actual opinions about things.”
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#4

Postby Regulus » Fri Jan 29, 2021 1:26 am

Hmm, okay I'll try it, I hope I'll be able not to think on getting them laid while having a chitchat. Thanks for the tips.
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Jan 29, 2021 2:34 am

Regulus wrote:Hmm, okay I'll try it, I hope I'll be able not to think on getting them laid while having a chitchat. Thanks for the tips.


An easy solution is to start by having conversation with women that you do not find physically attractive. For instance you can volunteer at a nursing home, animal shelter, or homeless shelter. And because you are volunteering you will have something other than getting laid in your mind. And then you can have conversations and realize that women are just people.

My guess is that you stay isolated, keeping silent as you admire attractive women from a distance while ignoring other women and other people. You don’t talk to attractive women because you fear rejection, you don’t talk to unattractive women because they don’t meet your fantasy criteria. It ends up you talking to zero women.
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#6

Postby Regulus » Fri Jan 29, 2021 10:04 am

That's true to some extent, but not entirely. I'm quite of an introvert and I don't like talking to anyone without any specific goal. Most people are superficial and they just talk witout meaning and that's actually disturbing me. So I'm somewhat isolated in general.

But I have talked to women during my last 15 years of course, who were my colleagues, girlfriends/wives of my friends, relatives, and some of them I found attractive, but yet I didn't look at any of them as a potential sexual partner, because I did not want a relationship. I don't think that came from fearing rejection rather than the fear of getting hurt in a relationship. There were a few women who wanted a relationship with me, but I was the one who rejected them because o f this reason. I thought that the wounds I have from previous relationships would heal by themselves over time, it seems they won't. I think it was a mistake from me to think this way, and I should've done something actively to fix this.
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#7

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Jan 29, 2021 3:39 pm

Regulus wrote: I'm quite of an introvert and I don't like talking to anyone without any specific goal. Most people are superficial and they just talk witout meaning and that's actually disturbing me. So I'm somewhat isolated in general.


This is why you join a club, volunteer, or take a class. People often do this with two goals in mind. They (1) have a new experience and (2) maybe they meet someone.

I think it was a mistake from me to think this way, and I should've done something actively to fix this.


And what are you doing to actively fix it? It seems like you are going down the path of analyzing the problem which is understandable, BUT...at what point is your analysis just another excuse to avoid putting in the actual hard work necessary to improve your social skills?

You can read all the Freud and Jung you want, come up with theories, analyze, talk with strangers on forums, even go to actual therapy, but none of these activities will do anything but give you rabbit holes to waste more time. You might waste years doing this while still creating fantasy women in your head from a distance.

To "actively fix it" means reducing your isolation, embracing the discomfort, and improving your social skills.
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#8

Postby Regulus » Fri Jan 29, 2021 5:50 pm

It's not so that I don't go out at all. I do have friends, I play in a soccer club, I also go out with my colleagues sometimes, I go to a lot of places and meet people. Altough since these corona lockdowns came in the number of these has certainly decreased by a lot.
But I'm just not that talkative even if I'm among people. I like to have conversations about deep topics, like religion, physics, psychology, you know, geeky stuff, and not too many people like that. I also like writing my ideas down rather than speaking about them, because that way I can get my thoughts together and present them in a structured form better.

But you are right I definitely need to socialize more, and I'm planning to do that once this corona madness is over.
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#9

Postby quietvoice » Fri Jan 29, 2021 6:22 pm

Regulus wrote:. . . and I'm planning to do that once this corona madness is over.

Do you have the belief that 'corona' is about health, and that this nonsense will just go away?
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#10

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Jan 29, 2021 6:38 pm

Regulus wrote: I like to have conversations about deep topics, like religion, physics, psychology, you know, geeky stuff, and not too many people like that.

But you are right I definitely need to socialize more, and I'm planning to do that once this corona madness is over.


Two things to consider:

First, you can have different people in your life to fulfill different needs. For example, I have some friends that like "geeky" stuff. We currently have a book club and once a week we use WeChat to connect and share our thoughts.

I also play soccer. I don't expect the people that play soccer to also have deep conversations.

And I when it comes to needs related to intimacy, that is not filled by any members of the book or soccer clubs.

Again, I think this might be a slight misunderstanding where you have some fantasy expectation that an intimate partner needs to also be athletic and geeky...the "whole package" if you will. Many people fall into that trap, never been satisfied with any potential partner because they can come up with reasons to exclude or disqualify that person.

Second, don't use COVID to delay and/or otherwise avoid improving your social skills. It is similar to paralysis by analysis. You know the problem = lack of social skills. The solution to a lack of social skills is not reading even more psychological books on the Oedipus complex.
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#11

Postby Regulus » Fri Jan 29, 2021 8:04 pm

quietvoice wrote:
Regulus wrote:. . . and I'm planning to do that once this corona madness is over.

Do you have the belief that 'corona' is about health, and that this nonsense will just go away?


I think it will go away. It's not only about health, as I see the underlying cause is very likely an emerging conflict between China and the so called West. You can see a several other signs of that, altough they might not be so obvious like biological warfare. Anyway this is too much of an offtopic here.

Richard@DecisionSkills:

I'm not using covid as an excuse. There is a real lockdown over here, I can't invite anyone to a coffee, pubs, coffee shops, restaurants are closed.
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#12

Postby quietvoice » Fri Jan 29, 2021 8:26 pm

Regulus wrote:
quietvoice wrote:Do you have the belief that 'corona' is about health, and that this nonsense will just go away?

I think it will go away. It's not only about health,. . .

I don't care that it's off topic. We are in a world wide war with those in authority. It's a long-planned totalitarian takeover with an unpleasant end game.

It's got absolutely nothing to do with health . . . except for making your health worse, at best, and to kill you off at worst (but then again, there are things worse than death).

Be aware of this; do your own checking this out for yourself
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#13

Postby Regulus » Fri Jan 29, 2021 11:10 pm

LOL no. I'm not a type of guy who's the fan of the current system, but it's not about authority. The intention that wants you to beleive this anti-vac, fake-epidemic stuff is just a plain simple subversive propaganda from the same source where the virus comes from. It's so obvious. The West has been skimping on healthcare, education and social safety net in favor of short term profits over the last 30-40 years, and this has become it's weakness, and that the reason it is being attacked in these areas.

That's why desinformation is all over the place now, it's the counterpart of the virus in intellectual dimensions, and it's a quite effective weapon, because the masses are uneducated and stupid, an easy target for demoralisation especially in a time of crisis.

As weird it sounds, authority is on our side right now, because their existence depends on us, and the subverters are the enemy, because they want to spread chaos and undermine the foundations of our society.

Seach for Yuri Bezmenov on youtube. He is an old KGB defector guy and has some lectures from the 80's on subversion. The principles applied today are the same, only the methods were updated to 2.0.
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#14

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Jan 29, 2021 11:32 pm

Regulus wrote: The West has been skimping on healthcare, education and social safety net in favor of short term profits over the last 30-40 years, and this has become it's weakness, and that the reason it is being attacked in these areas.


When you say West, you mean like Belgium, Spain, France, Italy, etc?

Or you mean West as in Colombia, Mexico, Brazil, Ecuador?

I mean the idea that out of 180+ countries you say “The West” I am wondering which exact country not “The West” you believe is the model for great COVID response? Australia w/ easy to control borders? Tawain, Japan, South Korea?
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