Am I in a toxic relationship?

Postby Anonymousneedshelp » Tue Feb 09, 2021 10:00 pm

I am struggling because I am not feeling the best in my current relationship, he is always putting himself down almost expecting me to give him a compliment like saying Are you sure I’m a good enough boyfriend? Are you sure you love me? Why did you choose me? And he constantly wants me to compare him to my exes. I am honestly tired of reassuring him. When I say things like you could have told me that sooner, I spent hours working on it in a joking sarcastic way he responds saying. So I’m just a waste of time to u why don’t you break up with me then? He explained to me that he has been broken previously before and he always says how if I left him he wouldn’t know how to live. I know he has a history of suicidal ideation and I think if I do leave he would hurt himself. Please helpppp
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Feb 09, 2021 11:10 pm

Anonymousneedshelp wrote: Please helpppp


It is definitely an unhealthy relationship.

But you already knew that. You KNOW it is an unhealthy relationship. It is not a secret. It is not hard to see. In fact, it is so very easy to see that you have posted in this forum explaining very clearly what you already know to be true. His constant, unhealthy need for reassurance is a huge problem. That he has suicidal ideation and uses it as a means to control other people by saying things like, "I don't know what I would do without you..." is a huge red flag and problem.

So I'm not sure what type of help you expect? You already KNOW what you 100% must do. You are just scared. You fear doing it. You don't want to do it, because it hurts. But that doesn't change anything. It doesn't change what you already know.

You break up.

Make it quick. Be direct. Don't drag it out. Tell him that you have decided to move on. Tell him that you will be reflecting on your mistakes, on how you allowed yourself to become involved in an unhealthy relationship. This will ease the burden on him, by you taking some responsibility for your part in the situation.

Note, I'm not saying you are to blame. Try to stay away from blaming him or blaming yourself.

Next, be prepared for the guilt trip. Be prepared for him to make threats of self-harm. Do not fall for these ways to guilt, shame, or coerce you into staying in an unhealthy situation.

There is no other option. You are not going to "fix" or otherwise negotiate some solution to manage this relationship.
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#2

Postby Dale_znovic » Wed Feb 10, 2021 2:44 am

I am really sorry to hear that. all the best with your future
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#3

Postby MayaSaya » Mon Feb 15, 2021 2:56 pm

I am very sorry, but this sounds like my sister, only in a form of a boyfriend.
The only option is to break up, to save your mental health. I think.
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#4

Postby Candid » Tue Feb 16, 2021 6:39 am

Anonymousneedshelp wrote:He explained to me that he has been broken previously before and he always says how if I left him he wouldn’t know how to live. I know he has a history of suicidal ideation and I think if I do leave he would hurt himself.

So you're a 'rescuer'. https://medium.com/on-the-couch/the-hig ... 2a98934f58

It isn't up to you to prevent this emotional blackmailer killing himself.

Can you list five things about him that make this worth your while? If not, kiss him goodbye.
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#5

Postby sarasara » Thu Mar 25, 2021 7:45 am

Anonymousneedshelp wrote:I am struggling because I am not feeling the best in my current relationship, he is always putting himself down almost expecting me to give him a compliment like saying Are you sure I’m a good enough boyfriend? Are you sure you love me? Why did you choose me? And he constantly wants me to compare him to my exes. I am honestly tired of reassuring him. When I say things like you could have told me that sooner, I spent hours working on it in a joking sarcastic way he responds saying. So I’m just a waste of time to u why don’t you break up with me then? He explained to me that he has been broken previously before and he always says how if I left him he wouldn’t know how to live. I know he has a history of suicidal ideation and I think if I do leave he would hurt himself. Please helpppp

I think you should have better information about relationship. before that you should know about yourself specially your personality. ..... This page will help you and after that tell me to solve your relational problem...
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#6

Postby sarasara » Thu Mar 25, 2021 8:06 am

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#7

Postby romanrusso » Tue Mar 30, 2021 10:02 am

My girlfriend told me about her ex's and how they too had a low self-esteem issue. Unfortunately, there is no way to fix this. You either accept it or you break up. There is rarely a middle point. Sure, you can try to change a "broken" person, but unless they want to change themselves, usually an external party can't help to make this transition. Oppositely, it is best to find someone who already has all the attributes you are looking for, such as they lack this low self-esteem.

Certainly, everyone has issues. You have them, I have them, my GF has them, and so does everyone else. It is up to you to see what you want to accept or reject, but usually, we see that certain people are doing way better than others.

Now, the next obvious question is: where do I find such a right person? and perhaps, Why are all good ones are taken? My own perspective is that you just need to keep on looking. It may take time and you might need to go through a few people. However, if you are patient and persistent, and you won't settle in with just anyone you will succeed.

Of course, it helps to know what you are looking for, as otherwise, you will end up with other "broken" people. Additionally, you need to put yourself in social situations in the first place, even if it is uncomfortable. For example, during my single days, I forced myself to do it at least once per week.

Overall, you need to ask yourself:

- What do you want from life?
- What are your values?
- Will you achieve this in this current relationship?

PS: if you have to ask if you are in a toxic relationship, chances are you are.
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