Does sorry help when you didn't seem to do anything wrong?

Postby geek28 » Thu Mar 18, 2021 5:50 pm

Background

I met a girl at a university club and would love to become friends. We have had a few chats here and there but aren't anything like friends I would say. She seems to be really friendly at first but now we mostly talk about career related stuff.

We mostly talked in our club group / ocassionally dmed her on facebook messenger. I started following her on instagram too a while ago and she followed back too.

Now, the problem is I found her twitter and saw she was really herself and vented out in her tweets. I wanted to connect too but didn't know if I would look like I am stalking her or something. Then I quickly thought, How could following a person on twitter do any harm anyways and clicked the follow button. And then after a while, I saw she blocked me.

I was really confused, maybe she considered me as a study/work related friend and didn't want me to see any of her personal tweets. Although we do follow each other on instagram and she posts a story about her food, quotes, etc almost everyday with enough posts about her friends and family on insta too.

Also, she has a boyfriend, and when she shared her boyfriends story on insta, I followed his boyfriend on instagram too and he had a twitter link too so I checked that out and followed him there as well and he followed me back as well and in the process I had discovered the girl's twitter. We (me and the girl) are still connected on facebook and instagram tho.

Question

Now, coming back to the question, I feel like I should say sorry to her as I still want to be friends with her and before things get weird and awkward. Maybe say something like "I'm sorry that I invaded your private space on twitter yesterday. I totally respect your privacy. I hope everything else is good." when I meet her in real life. We have same classes so I could just go meet her at the end of the class and say this. But on the other hand I think I also feel like I did not do anything wrong by following her and now should give her space and myself space from her and probably not talk to her. Although we are at the same uni and might see each other's faces at some point.

So what do you guys thinks? I'm really confused :( :(
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Mar 18, 2021 8:55 pm

geek28 wrote: Maybe say something like "I'm sorry that I invaded your private space on twitter yesterday. I totally respect your privacy. I hope everything else is good." when I meet her in real life.


What? What!?!?!? What!!!!!!! DO NOT DO THIS!

First, TWITTER IS NOT a private space!!!

Neither is Instagram, neither is Facebook. They are all social media...nothing private about them.

Second, DO NOT APOLOGIZE!!!

And here comes the but...

Third, do not continue to communicate and try to be friends with this female. Be friendly, be polite as necessary, that is it. Say hello, goodbye, nice to see you, that is it. Don't like any of her pictures, don't intentionally check her FB or instagram accounts. Don't follow her, don't unfollow her. Just let it go. Move on with life. There are other people for you to be friends with. She does not need to be one of them.

You might not realize it, and it sounds like your behavior was unintentional, but you violated social norms. Your behaviors come across as "stalkerish".

Imagine it from her perspective. She meets a guy at club and tries to be friendly. You receive a DM on messenger. Okay, fair enough, she tries to be nice. Then this guy follows you on instagram. Okay, a bit odd, but fair enough. Then this guy follows your boyfriend. WHAT!!!! Alarm bells start going off. Then this guy follows you on Twitter and your boyfriend on Twitter...RED FLAG, ALARM!!!!

It doesn't matter if the boyfriend followed you back. Many times people follow someone back just out of courtesy. It doesn't signify you are friends.

And most likely she mentioned you to her boyfriend. She probably said something innocent like, "This guy from that club I belong to asked me about XYZ on FB and followed me on Insta."

The boyfriend recognizes the name and says, "Huh, he follows me too. I had absolutely no clue who he was. I had no idea why he decided to follow me, but he is a friend of yours?"

She responds, "Uh, no...he isn't a friend, just some guy from the club. I don't know what he wants. I try to be friendly. It is really odd that he is following both of us....oh wow...now he is following me on Twitter too!"

Does that sound like someone that just wants to be friends? It does not sound that way to me. It sounds like someone that is physically attracted to this woman and is starting to build an infatuation, and is starting to exhibit "stalkerish" behaviors.

NO WORRIES...now you might be thinking how do you react the next time you see her. In fact, that is what your thread is all about. You think the reasonable option is to apologize. NOPE!

Like I said above, LEAVE IT alone. Don't apologize, just stop reaching out to her, stop communicating, do not go out of your way to interact with her. That will allow her to gain some comfort. This will help her realize that you are very clear that she has NO interest in being your friend. That doesn't mean she will not be friendly. But don't misinterpret friendly with the desire to be your friend. She doesn't want that.
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#2

Postby geek28 » Fri Mar 19, 2021 6:33 am

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
geek28 wrote: Maybe say something like "I'm sorry that I invaded your private space on twitter yesterday. I totally respect your privacy. I hope everything else is good." when I meet her in real life.


What? What!?!?!? What!!!!!!! DO NOT DO THIS!

First, TWITTER IS NOT a private space!!!

Neither is Instagram, neither is Facebook. They are all social media...nothing private about them.

Second, DO NOT APOLOGIZE!!!

And here comes the but...

Third, do not continue to communicate and try to be friends with this female. Be friendly, be polite as necessary, that is it. Say hello, goodbye, nice to see you, that is it. Don't like any of her pictures, don't intentionally check her FB or instagram accounts. Don't follow her, don't unfollow her. Just let it go. Move on with life. There are other people for you to be friends with. She does not need to be one of them.

You might not realize it, and it sounds like your behavior was unintentional, but you violated social norms. Your behaviors come across as "stalkerish".

Imagine it from her perspective. She meets a guy at club and tries to be friendly. You receive a DM on messenger. Okay, fair enough, she tries to be nice. Then this guy follows you on instagram. Okay, a bit odd, but fair enough. Then this guy follows your boyfriend. WHAT!!!! Alarm bells start going off. Then this guy follows you on Twitter and your boyfriend on Twitter...RED FLAG, ALARM!!!!

It doesn't matter if the boyfriend followed you back. Many times people follow someone back just out of courtesy. It doesn't signify you are friends.

And most likely she mentioned you to her boyfriend. She probably said something innocent like, "This guy from that club I belong to asked me about XYZ on FB and followed me on Insta."

The boyfriend recognizes the name and says, "Huh, he follows me too. I had absolutely no clue who he was. I had no idea why he decided to follow me, but he is a friend of yours?"

She responds, "Uh, no...he isn't a friend, just some guy from the club. I don't know what he wants. I try to be friendly. It is really odd that he is following both of us....oh wow...now he is following me on Twitter too!"

Does that sound like someone that just wants to be friends? It does not sound that way to me. It sounds like someone that is physically attracted to this woman and is starting to build an infatuation, and is starting to exhibit "stalkerish" behaviors.

NO WORRIES...now you might be thinking how do you react the next time you see her. In fact, that is what your thread is all about. You think the reasonable option is to apologize. NOPE!

Like I said above, LEAVE IT alone. Don't apologize, just stop reaching out to her, stop communicating, do not go out of your way to interact with her. That will allow her to gain some comfort. This will help her realize that you are very clear that she has NO interest in being your friend. That doesn't mean she will not be friendly. But don't misinterpret friendly with the desire to be your friend. She doesn't want that.


Thanks Richard!

I need to learn so much about social norms, controlling my feelings and still feel the need to understand why she blocked my and if she still consider me as a friend. I know it's wrong but maybe a simple question like, "can I chat to you about something?" Might just give me all answers even before asking her anything in particular.

Today after my uni practicals, I tried to approach her and then find her but she had already left. So, I guess it's going to sometime next week before we accidentally encounter each other.

But yeah, I feel really stupid being 21 and doing such things and if you have anymore tips on how I should stop thinking about this, understand social norms or anything in between please let me know

Thank you
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#3

Postby Candid » Fri Mar 19, 2021 9:12 am

geek28 wrote:I know it's wrong but maybe a simple question like, "can I chat to you about something?" Might just give me all answers even before asking her anything in particular.

You don't ask people whether you can chat, you just chat. It's irritating to be asked "Can I ask you a question?" (you just did). "Can I talk to you about something?" puts me on my guard.

Forget Twitter following and just talk to this person, if you like her. You're making way too big a deal of it.
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#4

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Mar 19, 2021 1:10 pm

geek28 wrote: I ...need to understand why she blocked


NO, you don't. That is a big part of the problem.

geek28 wrote: ...and if she still consider me as a friend.


You were never her friend. Having a conversation with someone in a school club and responding to a message on FB doesn't make a person your friend. It makes you a classmate, an acquaintance, a minor connection at best...NOT a friend.

geek28 wrote:I know it's wrong but maybe a simple question like, "can I chat to you about something?" Might just give me all answers even before asking her anything in particular.


Reread the first part multiple times, "I KNOW IT'S WRONG". I put this in capitals and bold for a reason. Let it sink in. You know it is wrong. You know it is wrong, but you want to go ahead and for lack of a better term, "stalk" this girl.

IF you try to chat with her, which I strongly suggest you don't, it is 100% guaranteed that you won't get all the answers to satisfy your personal infatuation with her. She will try to be nice, hopefully....she will try to be polite, and then she will lie to you. She will tell you what you want to hear to make you go away.

You do realize that she already knows how many times you have looked at her Instagram photos, right?

How many people are in this class? Why have you not pursued friendships with them? Why have you not figured out who their boyfriends and girlfriends are and followed them on social media as well? Why this girl? Because she gave you a little bit of attention?

Be an adult. Leave her alone.
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#5

Postby geek28 » Fri Mar 19, 2021 1:56 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
geek28 wrote: I ...need to understand why she blocked


NO, you don't. That is a big part of the problem.

geek28 wrote: ...and if she still consider me as a friend.


You were never her friend. Having a conversation with someone in a school club and responding to a message on FB doesn't make a person your friend. It makes you a classmate, an acquaintance, a minor connection at best...NOT a friend.

geek28 wrote:I know it's wrong but maybe a simple question like, "can I chat to you about something?" Might just give me all answers even before asking her anything in particular.


Reread the first part multiple times, "I KNOW IT'S WRONG". I put this in capitals and bold for a reason. Let it sink in. You know it is wrong. You know it is wrong, but you want to go ahead and for lack of a better term, "stalk" this girl.

IF you try to chat with her, which I strongly suggest you don't, it is 100% guaranteed that you won't get all the answers to satisfy your personal infatuation with her. She will try to be nice, hopefully....she will try to be polite, and then she will lie to you. She will tell you what you want to hear to make you go away.

You do realize that she already knows how many times you have looked at her Instagram photos, right?

How many people are in this class? Why have you not pursued friendships with them? Why have you not figured out who their boyfriends and girlfriends are and followed them on social media as well? Why this girl? Because she gave you a little bit of attention?

Be an adult. Leave her alone.


Alright, I will try my best Richard! Thanks!
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#6

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Mar 19, 2021 2:59 pm

geek28 wrote: Alright, I will try my best Richard! Thanks!


Nope.

I guarantee, 100%, that if I asked you to try your best not to punch her your response would be something to the effect, "Punch her? Obviously not. That is absurd. Why would I punch her? There is no need to 'try my best' not to punch her. I just don't. That is easy. There is no effort involved. The thought would never cross my mind."

Your response suggests that you need to "try your best" as in there is a possibility that you just can't control yourself. You suggest that your "need to know" your "emotional needs" are so powerful, so overwhelming, that you simply can't stay away from her, that somehow not stalking this girl is beyond your control.

Complete rubbish. Absolute, complete, 100% rubbish.

It's pretty simple actually. You either disagree with me and believe it is perfectly fine to stalk this girl...or you agree with me and you leave her alone. You either actually believe that you "know it is wrong" as you stated above, or you don't. There is no "try my best" at not stalking someone. If you don't actually believe it is wrong, then follow Candid's advice and keep stalking her. See how that works out for you.
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