Commitment issue paradox - is it common?

Postby User31 » Tue Mar 23, 2021 7:45 pm

I have a situation in which I bypass opportunities to date and possibly commit to someone out of fear that I will have sold myself short once I do that.

The paradox is that I want commit, but I fear that if I do, I will have put my self in a situation in which the one who is truly the right one for me will be missed.

The reason I entertain these thoughts is because I don't have an active social life. Were I to encounter someone else once I do commit, I obviously can't jump into that prospect as I would being a single man. This scenario creates anxiety, as well as the moral issue of settling with someone I don't really feel that big for.

You might ask why I don't even try dating and truthfully I don't even want to waste the persons time with a single date if I don't feel that she is the right one.

I will feel when I encounter the right person in a perfect world, but I don't believe that we live in a perfect world. I fear that I will probably have to settle with someone anyway, so i really try to make the best out of this.

Are these feelings common in the relationship world of fearing that you are selling yourself short, when you think you can do better than this, which creates a pattern in which nobody is good enough?
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Mar 23, 2021 8:54 pm

User31 wrote:Are these feelings common in the relationship world of fearing that you are selling yourself short, when you think you can do better than this, which creates a pattern in which nobody is good enough?


Absolutely it is common. For lack of a better term we might say it is "The grass is greener" syndrome.

It is more common in a digital world than at any previous time in history. Consider that for most of human history a person was born and raised among a tribe of maybe 150 people. The dating pool of any individual was limited to within the tribe and a handful of surrounding tribes.

What this means is that roughly at the age of puberty the ritual of "manhood" would take place and shorty after it was time to start looking for a wife. You probably had say 50 women and the tribal elders helped the younger members of the tribe pair up. It may or may not be an "arranged relationship" but this is not really the point. You were limited to roughly 50 women.

Of these 50 women you had lived around them growing up. You knew their families, you had interactions with them, you had some knowledge of their personalities, etc.

Now consider the modern world. On a single dating app you can go through 50 potential matches in very little time. There are literally thousands of potential relationships at your finger tips. And you know little to nothing about these women except for doctored photographs and a few lines that tell you how they "love long walks on the beach". What if you choose the wrong one? Oh, nooooo!!!!

It becomes an issue of having too many options and imagining a fantasy world where a better option is always available. And why not? With thousands available certainly you can always have done better. And they might think the same way. They have dating apps, same as you.

What I have found that might help is to know what you want in a relationship. Instead of "searching" for "the one" in an imperfect world, search for one that meets your self-defined needs and then turn off your search.

For example, let's assume that you must have physical attraction. That is a given. What other things might you want in a life partner?

-1- Honesty, trust, integrity
-2- Shared interests/goals.
-3- Compatible at an intimate level.
-4- Mutual admiration/respect.
-5- Shared values (finances, family, chores).
-6- Healthy.

Whatever your list, when you find someone that hits the key areas, stop searching. Stop thinking you might get someone that meets all of the list, + more. That will set you up for permanent failure.
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#2

Postby User31 » Wed Mar 24, 2021 9:54 pm

It used to be that emotional connection was the nr 1 priority. With the passage of time and experience with other peoples tussles regarding psychological disorders (depression included), I have psychological well-being added as a must.

As some of you might have guessed, there is no shortage of psychologically fragile individuals. I do not judge them and would not rule out friendships for life, but not a romantic relationship.

There is also something very unattractive with openly unhappy women. They are basically signaling that their stock is low.

I don't have that much of a hang-up with loyalty. I consider those things to take care of themselves and something within my control. A woman will most likely not cheat on me if I play my cards right, at least not the type I'm drawn to. But anyway, not something I fixate on.
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