Difficult relationships with parents

Postby Yisi » Thu Apr 01, 2021 1:52 am

Hi, my name is Yisi and I'm of Chinese descent. I'm stating my ethnicity openly because it plays a role in the relationship I have with my parents, at least according to them. As with all "problematic children", something probably went wrong during my childhood although if I try to pinpoint the exact reason I'm left with flimsy facts all with which can be reasonably explained.
My parents beat me but that's kind of normal for Chinese parents and to be fair they stopped pretty soon (8 years or so), even sooner with my little sister and my little brother. My parents made me feel guilty about my expense because I ate and needed clothes and I went to school. Again, they were struggling financially, even more than now, and my grandma did basically the same thing with my mom. Not really open to having their ideas questioned, but that's something every family experience to some extent. You just learn to keep your ideas for yourself. They had high standard and liked making comparisons with other kids, as with all Asian parents. The only bad thing was that I met those expectation. The usual ones that is. I like writing so I won some writing contests. I like learning languages so I learnt English, Spanish, French, I learnt Chinese writing (my parents speak Chinese and I was able of speaking Chinese but the language I was most fluent in was Italian) and I'm currently working on my German. I did very good at school, all throughout my academic career and as of now, I'm a second-year biomedical engineering student. I'd say that I'm still a good student, not the excellent one anymore but I started working part-time last year before the pandemic. That's what I mean with "usual ones". But yes it's true that I can't cook and I have next to zero eye for fashion and when I was 18 I was still without a job, studying for university entrance exam but jobless nonetheless. I moved back home with the lockdown. I'm still at home. Again without a job... But that's not the problem and my parents are making remarks on the fact anymore. I'm seeing a psychologist and it's kind of helping. I'm trying to lower my own expectations, accepting some not-so-perfect grades, not obsessing over getting a job and all. My parents have been working on themselves too even when it's very difficult for them which is why I appreciate their effort all the more. They'd like a more normal relationship with me where I can talk freely, even though it has not ended very well when my opinion differed from theirs. I talk more, but I'm always very careful with the choice of subject, lexicon, intonation. I still mess up sometimes when say something that triggers them. They say that now they're feeling nervous because I always recoil from them. I agree on that fact, especially since it's not only on a communicational level but a physical one too. I tried to stay in the same room as them. I'm still trying but I can't study, or read, or write, or exercise as long as I'm conscious of their presence. I end up waiting for them to leave or I leave myself if they're taking too long. I jump when my mom touches me. Whenever they call me my facial features droop down even when I was laughing and joking the moment before. I can recognize those too. But my parents told me it's making them feel as if their effort amounted to nothing. Because they really tried, not making a big deal of my defects. I can't understand that either, I just know that I feel terribly uncomfortable when I'm around my parents. I told them that it was probably my childhood and they told that I was bringing up the past as excuse and I should look just at the effort they put in during the last year. They're right. Somewhat right at least. They're excerting themselves and are not really seeing results. It's irrational, I know, it's more like a phobia than a human interaction but I just can't bring myself to share the same space as them. What should I do?
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Postby sarasara » Thu Apr 01, 2021 8:17 am

Children growing up in unstable families are more at risk of using drugs and are more likely to be drawn to drugs at an early age.

According to research, children who are constantly arguing with their parents are more likely to develop mental disorders such as hyperactivity, attention deficit, anxiety, depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).

If the child is constantly witnessing conflicts and disagreements with his parents, his mind becomes involved in the stressful atmosphere of the house and he can no longer focus on things such as lessons, school and homework.

The child suffers from stress and emotional anxiety, which has a negative impact on his immune system, and the child suffers from physical problems such as recurring allergies, various infections, and so on. All of these factors go hand in hand to make a child fall behind academically.

The effect of parental litigation on children in physical problems
The child may suffer from physical ailments such as sleep problems, stomach aches or headaches due to the constant observation of the parents' arguments.

The child imitates his parents, so when he sees their aggression, he is more likely to become aggressive, and when he encounters problems, instead of solving the problem, he starts shouting and being aggressive, so that this way. Overcome your problems.

Partition between parental disputes
Some parents involve their children in arguments and quarrels and make their lives more chaotic.

Fighting with children is very stressful and traumatic, and the situation will get worse when the child gets involved.

Stress and anxiety in children will be very harmful and cause them sexual and physical harm. Some parents ask their children to judge in disputes and say which parents are right if It is wrong to bring children into a fight for any purpose.

Fighting with a child has many negative effects on him. This teaches children aggression and violence, and on the other hand, the child is constantly exposed to anxiety and stress, and anxiety and stress disorders increase in him and are more likely to be isolated.

The effect of parental litigation on children in child obscenity and bad mouth
Many couples use vulgar words when arguing, in which case the child learns and repeats these ugly words, and the good image of the parents in front of the child is destroyed.

The effect of parental litigation on children in the development of guilt in the child
At a young age, the child does not understand the parents' quarrel well, and for this reason, he may feel guilty and feel guilty. In this case, because the child considers himself responsible for this quarrel, the damage of the quarrel will be multiplied for him.

To better understand this issue, it is recommended that you read articles about guilt.
Appetite disorders
Children who witness constant arguments from their parents are more likely to have eating disorders, sometimes children become overeating and obese, and sometimes they do not eat and become incapacitated and thin.

Eating disorders have many harms and physical effects for children and endanger the growth and health of children in the long run.
Practical advice for parents
Respect each other in front of your children and do not insult each other in any way.
Do not create a situation for your child to abuse.
When talking to others, pay attention to the language and tone of your speech.
Talk to your child about the arguments and disagreements that arise for you.
Never use your child to resolve your differences or mediate them to reconcile, you need to teach them that everyone is responsible for resolving their own mistakes.
Do not involve the child in arguments when arguing.
You can use counseling to solve problems and learn the correct ways to treat your spouse.
If you have an argument in front of children, try to end your argument in front of them and resolve it.
Write your grievances on a piece of paper for your spouse and ask him or her to write the answer on a piece of paper for you.
To reduce your anger, take a step back and count to ten, in which case you will be calmer. You can also stay away from the fight environment. To reduce your anger, you should delay the fight.
Do not hide your anger by keeping silent, because children are just as sensitive to non-verbal inconsistencies as they are to fights and arguments.
Try to talk about incompatibilities with your spouse and show your love and affection for your spouse in front of children so that your quarrel and love are balanced.
The impact of parental litigation on children in the long run
When children try to adjust to parental quarrels and arguments, they may follow maladaptive patterns of behavior, they may cry in situations of quarrels and arguments, show signs of fear and anxiety, in fights. Parents intervene or run away from home.
Children experience a lot of stress and anxiety during fights, which has a severe effect on their behavioral characteristics and reduces their self-confidence and self-esteem.
In adulthood, it will be difficult to change the wrong patterns that take place in childhood and will create problems in their future lives.

If children are constantly witnessing their parents arguing, they will imitate them and play the same obscene behavior when playing with their friends or in other environments.

Children follow the example of parents, and modeling of parental behaviors is a developmental phenomenon that will have very negative and destructive effects on the individual if quarrels and arguments are the focus.

empirical evidence

Experimental evidence suggests that parents do not use verbal arguments in the presence of their children, and in most cases try to behave away from children and in another room, and the impact of verbal arguments on Their children are aware.

Parents often try to have verbal arguments at night after the children fall asleep to reduce the risk of being heard and upset by the children.

Counselors advise that parents should control their emotions so that they can talk to each other at the right time and place about disputes and disagreements. These disputes are better in a place other than home, such as a park or places where the child is not present. , be done.

But for many parents, it is impossible to control their emotions, and in an instant, the person's mood changes quickly, and a fight ensues, and the person himself does not notice this change in mood.

Inform the children
When the quarrel between the parents lasts a long time, the children think that their parents no longer love each other and may separate, if this is not the case and the quarrel between the parents does not make sense.
As you know, during a fight, words may be said that are angry and have no specific meaning.
In these cases, it is necessary for parents to explain to children that adults sometimes fight like children, and adults also have differences between them that they argue with each other.
At this time you should fully explain these issues to the child and tell him that you both love him very much, remember that this is very important for the child.
Lastly, try to resolve the issue properly, marital issues need to be discussed and challenged, and you need to get in the right direction at this time and lower your voice.

You can show in front of the children that your problem is solved and say in front of the children that we are angry now, it is better to end the discussion and decide on this issue later.
The point to keep in mind is that all arguments should end in a positive way.

In this case, the child will feel better, and this will reduce the child's anger and reduce his stress and anxiety.

When you are angry, you need to be able to remember the ways to control your anger and rage, you are the only one who can control you, so learn these methods to use them in certain situations.
This will prevent fights and will not disturb your child's peace of mind and teach him anger management techniques.
If you have a problem with your spouse, try to solve it when the children are not there and do not argue with the children in front of each other, even if you go to another room, in this case the child will most likely hear your voice but face Burnt and unkind eyes no longer see you.

If possible, you should explain to the child in simple language the reason for your disagreement and argument and try to tell the story in such a way that the child does not blame himself and the cause of the fight, also the child should not be forced to Support and support his parents. Finally, explain to the child that you were angry and could not control yourself, and that is why you did the wrong thing. Is.
Try to have your child present when you reconcile and ask the child for help to witness the reconciliation of his parents.
After a fight, try to behave normally and never get angry with each other.
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Postby sarasara » Fri Apr 02, 2021 8:10 am

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