My Wife's ex-relationship

Postby torozor » Fri Apr 16, 2021 9:41 am

I have been married for about 1 year and I love my wife very much. She loves me too and makes me feel it. Something happened while watching the drama together like the end of January. In the series, a middle-aged woman was on trial for having a relationship with a very young person. Suddenly I was with a very young person, he was the friend of my daughter's boyfriend, she said. When she was 43 years old, she had a relationship with a man aged 21-22. When she first said this, her voice seemed to speak of an ordinary and proud act. I think this was one of the things that impressed me the most. I froze. As she left the city the next day, I was alone at home for 5-6 days and I had a bad mentally during this time. I compared her past experiences with my own experiences and felt like someone who had never experienced anything, his life was bare. While I always thought of myself as experienced and experienced a lot, I realized that this was not the case in reality and that I had lost myself. This made me feel awful. Inadequate and worthless. At the same time, I could not digest her experience with the young man. This has been one of the biggest taboos in my life.
Later, this topic came to the fore and we talked. I realized I was judging her involuntarily. She told me the situation from her point of view. She said that she did not enter the relationship for sexual purposes, her prejudice against men was broken thanks to that relationship and she found me by this means, and that young man approached her with respect, loyalty and admiration. I said to me, I wish you explained it that way from the beginning.
However, this situation continued to hurt me as I thought of it. I could not get rid of this somehow. How could he do such a thing? How could she have had a relationship with her daughter's friend, someone her son's age. I'm still in this psychology and I don't know how to get rid of it.
My wife has had many relationships in the past, with someone 10 years older, someone 10 years younger, other people ... None of this affected me, but her relationship with this child affected me very much.
I am a person who has had difficulties in expressing his wishes due to financial reasons since childhood and then this has spread throughout his life. When our mother went out to us, she would say don't ask for anything, we have no money. We were always asked to be quiet, well-behaved children who were content with what was given to them. I've been like this all my life.
Now I want to find out what I have to do to get through this situation. I love my wife very much, she is one of the most beautiful things that I have come across. However, I cannot get rid of the effects of this incident.
I avoid talking about this with my wife because I don't want to offend or judge her unintentionally.
Thank you very much in advance.
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Postby romanrusso » Thu Apr 22, 2021 9:15 am

I have a golden rule in my relationship: don't speak about past relationships with my partner and she does not do the same. This only invites problems, as you can see. So what to do now that you are in this mess? Actually, not sure. You were not very specific about the feelings this situation evokes in you. I mean, you did give an overview of your whole situation, but I don't know if it was all 100% relevant for what you are dealing with (such as your childhood).

So from what I gather, she had a past relationship with someone half her age, right? You said you get jealous of it because you never had a similar experience, but you had many different experiences, perhaps not in bed, which she didn't, right?

The thing is, you can compare yourself to your partner (or anyone) on so many levels. Now, if you will compare yourself to her from a place of scarcity (they have something and you don't and you are jealous) or you can compare from a place of admiration (you cheer them on for having something you don't have). The first is called upwards comparison and it only invites problems since you can always find someone who has more than you have. You need to get rid of this, if you want to be happy. Instead, cheer her on for having this experience, since if she had it, you certainly had few of your own that may or may not be related to past relationships.

I hope this helps.
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