Maybe I'm an alcoholic

Postby theforsaken » Tue Apr 20, 2021 11:57 am

My fiance doesn't like me drinking. If I get drunk she gets upset. If I drink and it's not a big occasion, she's on my case to slow down literally on my second drink. I might have a slight problem sure, I can admit that, but she makes out it's the end of the f***in world if I have a drink or two.

I got drunk today and she more or less gave me the ultimatum of getting counselling or she's leaving me. I don't want counselling, but I can go cold Turkey no alcohol, I know I can, I've done it before. I wanna do that instead.

Thoughts?
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Apr 20, 2021 1:31 pm

How long have you guys been together?

My understanding is that if a person is an alcoholic then 'cold turkey' is really the only solution. The goal of counseling is not to manage how you drink, but rather to quit.

The one issue that stands out is your motivation. You don't want to quit for the right reasons. You only want to quit because someone is threatening you and demanding that you change. It does not sound like a solid foundation for marriage, "Do what I say, or else!"

Maybe I'm wrong, but to what extent are you already punished with the 'cold shoulder', a night on the couch, sex being withheld, and/or various forms of nagging, etc.? Or can you honestly claim that drinking is the only issue?

The way you framed what you wrote, my thoughts are that you are not ready for marriage. You come across as passive and weak, not an equal contributor to the relationship. In effect, she is the parent and you the child asking for permission. If before you are even married the ultimatum card has been played, I can only imagine how that dynamic plays out into the future.
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#2

Postby tokeless » Tue Apr 20, 2021 3:31 pm

theforsaken wrote:My fiance doesn't like me drinking. If I get drunk she gets upset. If I drink and it's not a big occasion, she's on my case to slow down literally on my second drink. I might have a slight problem sure, I can admit that, but she makes out it's the end of the f***in world if I have a drink or two.

I got drunk today and she more or less gave me the ultimatum of getting counselling or she's leaving me. I don't want counselling, but I can go cold Turkey no alcohol, I know I can, I've done it before. I wanna do that instead.

Thoughts?


I tend to agree with Richard. I would also add that your fiance nags at you after 2 drinks because she knows what's coming if you have more. There is a reason why she doesn't like you drinking and it begins and ends with you... despite how she feels, you choose alcohol over her which is a red flag for your future. What role or function does it play in your life? How do you feel when under it's influence? You admit you may have a problem but dismiss it and make it that it's her that's the problem... that's denial. The choices are clear... you address the issues with her support or you drink alone. Maybe you use the drink to make her leave? If not, change the situation before she does.
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#3

Postby theforsaken » Fri Sep 03, 2021 2:13 pm

tokeless wrote:
theforsaken wrote:My fiance doesn't like me drinking. If I get drunk she gets upset. If I drink and it's not a big occasion, she's on my case to slow down literally on my second drink. I might have a slight problem sure, I can admit that, but she makes out it's the end of the f***in world if I have a drink or two.

I got drunk today and she more or less gave me the ultimatum of getting counselling or she's leaving me. I don't want counselling, but I can go cold Turkey no alcohol, I know I can, I've done it before. I wanna do that instead.

Thoughts?


I tend to agree with Richard. I would also add that your fiance nags at you after 2 drinks because she knows what's coming if you have more. There is a reason why she doesn't like you drinking and it begins and ends with you... despite how she feels, you choose alcohol over her which is a red flag for your future. What role or function does it play in your life? How do you feel when under it's influence? You admit you may have a problem but dismiss it and make it that it's her that's the problem... that's denial. The choices are clear... you address the issues with her support or you drink alone. Maybe you use the drink to make her leave? If not, change the situation before she does.

I've been doing better with it, I'm not fully sober, I'll have the occasional drink still, but I've cut back alot since maybe July? I did go cold Turkey for about a month. It's a process but I'm doing better, the goal is to actually only have 2 and be happy with that. I did/do have a problem with it, I don't think I'm the worst case by any stretch, I don't get withdrawals when I stop or anything like that, just no one really noticed or cared before my wife I guess. Everyone around me had either bigger problems or more important things going on, my whole life really, so I think I just thought what I was doing was normal in a way.

It's harder again now too with the way the world is going, but that's another post entirely lol.
I'm trying to get back in shape now too so that also helps alot. When you're doing that, not drinking is just the same as not eating junk, it's easier.
I don't even know when I wrote this post I was drunk then too lol.

Your comment was more constructive than Richard's so that's the one I decided to answer. Lol.
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#4

Postby tokeless » Fri Sep 03, 2021 2:41 pm

Hi,
Without being critical, you're sanitising your drinking and that suggests an element of denial still. Not to take away your recent achievements, you didn't say what role drinking plays in your life.
How's your relationship going,?
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#5

Postby Candid » Thu Sep 09, 2021 11:04 am

theforsaken wrote:If I drink and it's not a big occasion, she's on my case to slow down literally on my second drink. I might have a slight problem sure, I can admit that, but she makes out it's the end of the f***in world if I have a drink or two.

I'm about to differ from the general drift of this thread. I'm a meat-eating smoker and drinker married to a vegetarian Buddhist who does neither. On just one occasion he came into a restaurant where I was dining with a male friend and demanded to know whether the guy intended to let me cycle home in that condition. The friend and I were sitting there like a pair of stuffed owls so on that occasion, and that one only, he was right to intervene.

I know from previous threads that before your marriage you lived in smalltown Australia where drinking and carousing of the young men was just a social thing you guys did.

A few years down the track you're married to a nurse who knows what alcohol does to brain as well as body, and naturally she worries about it getting out of hand. I get that. I also get it that the rebel in you is well accustomed to handling his drink, and I agree with Richard that a grown man has to be able to run his own life. I get the feeling you drink less now anyway.

My husband knows I'm probably going to smoke and drink until the day I die and he's totally okay with buying either or both for me. When the World Cup was on and my preferred beer was "on special", he bought half a dozen cartons and kept them in the garage. Woo hoo.

It's about trust and respect, and that comes with time and exposure. It would be a different story if your personality changed and you got nasty with her when you had too much, but I don't think that's your style.

My husband informs me I'm nasty pretty much all the time and he can take it...
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