I'm jealous and I hate myself for it

Postby Sickness933 » Thu Apr 29, 2021 6:12 am

So I know this will be a mess of a story, but please bear with me.

First, I'll describe myself:

I'm a 27 old male (living in Germany) who likes to think he has everything in life he wants: a supporting family, a college education (business administration), and wonderful friends. Unfortunately, I'm severely lacking in the relationship department, as I never had a GF (pathetic, I know)

I've been best friends with the "Ed" (not his actual name ofc) (also from Germany) for about 11 years. He is one good-looking, charming dude.

We both enjoy the same things: video games, anime, going out, visiting theme parks (we're enthusiasts) among others. Lately, he's been seeing a girl (F 21, enjoys the same stuff as him). They're perfect together.

And that's where my issue arises from. I can't for the life of me shake the feeling of intense jealousy off me. I don't know if it even is jealousy (as I never experienced this situation before), but it's a weird sort of pain (perhaps akin to heartbreak, I guess?) that tends to flare up and make me feel bad. Additionally, I dislike myself for allowing it to get the better of me.

It's like every time I think about them as a couple, a scar (that I didn't even know existed) starts bleeding again and I hate myself for it. I'm over here being a crybaby, whilst I should be supporting my friend with every fiber of my body.

I can't fail him. He needs me as a friend, and I want to be there for him, but I don't want him to see me like this. That means I can't tell him about my issue, because he deserves better and I don't want to lose him.

I beg your pardon if this post sounds like 16 y/o teenager problems. It's just that I've never felt like this.
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Postby tokeless » Thu Apr 29, 2021 6:55 am

Jealousy can be a toxic emotion but this may be more to do with low self esteem? We all have good friends and as we live our lives, we move on to different stages, which can cause distance in those relationships or it can increase the bond. This depends on being equals but I sense you don't see that, so you internalise the feelings that he's good looking etc and you're not as good as him. Why not embrace his new situation and ask jokingly if she has any single friends etc? Life won't change for you by standing still watching your friend go off on the horizon... get out there, embrace positivity and mix with new friends, join events... the thing in your way is your self esteem in my opinion.
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Postby Sickness933 » Thu Apr 29, 2021 2:58 pm

Yeah, I guess you're right about my self-esteem. It might as well be zero.

Generally, I find it hard to cut myself any slack. I know this might be confirmation bias, but I genuinely can't find anything positive about me.

Also, I'm still wondering about the pain I'm feeling. I can only describe it as heaviness on my chest, like the onset of a panic attack, I guess, even though I have no medical issues at all. The more intense it gets, the more I tend to tear up, but I end up fighting it because I need to be strong. Other people shouldn't be burdened with taking on my problems...
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Postby tokeless » Thu Apr 29, 2021 7:13 pm

It's good you can relate to the esteem question. As for the pent up emotions... let them out, cry if you feel sad, it's incongruous and you'll feel better for it. Many men struggle to do this but I'm a believer that you respond to how you feel, after all we laugh when we're happy don't we? There is no right time to just do it, so just go for it. Holding back on feelings creates tension and stress so what are you losing other than sadness.
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Postby ActualityOfBeing » Thu Apr 29, 2021 10:38 pm

When you notice you are thinking about yourself, disliking yourself or any other thought about yourself...

Stop and ask, who are you actually talking about?

Express a thought about the wall, ask “what am I talking about?”... and physically point to the wall to confirm.

Then express a thought “about yourself”, and ask “what or who am I talking about?”... and physically point to who or what you are talking about.

What you’ll find is that you are pointing to the same one saying or expressing the thought.

There are not two of you.

This is why it feels ‘off’... because it is quite ‘off’.

As the awareness of the thoughts .... the thoughts simply can not be, about you.

You are already the one aware of the thoughts. The thought can never actually be about you.

The instant you recognize this... and shift from “thinking about yourself”... to thinking about what you want to experience (a relationship in this case)... you’ll feel alignment where you used to feel discord. The more you focus on what you want to experience, the more momentum of the good feeling of alignment you’ll feel. You will soon be feeling so good that you will attract the significant other you desire.

This is not ‘wishful thinking’. Notice this is simply pointing out what is already the case. You are thinking about ‘yourself’ that you are disliked, or unlikeable, and you are experience precisely that, in regard to a relationship or significant other.

If you struggle in this shift of inward focused thoughts, to outward focused thoughts... write a list of what you know you don’t want. Then next to each item, write a list of the opposite, of what you do want. Then hang only the listed of wanted on the wall in your room, where you’ll see it through out the day. Allow the effortlessness of focus to essentially “do the work for you”.

The suffering is not related to the thoughts about your friend and his s.o., it’s only the discord created with the thoughts about yourself not being about to have someone. If this were true, it’d feel great. Because these thoughts are not true, you feel the discord, with truth.
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Postby WhiteOrchid » Mon May 10, 2021 11:15 am

It's absolutely normal to desire a relationship. By what you've shared you've shown that you really value your friendship, but to think about that a bit more....he sounds like a good person to know, AND he has wanted to have you as a friend. So right off the bat I would say he values you too.

Many people feel frustrated over a lack of a relationship, or good relationship.

Maybe this is an opportunity to work on looking for ways to nurture the real you....find out step by step by trying something new and allowing yourself to make mistakes, which direction you'd like to go in. Any person can't be expected to live without making mistakes. This could lead to conversations with others, and
new opportunities. The more you discover about your likes etc then you may be clearer about what you are looking for.

Also has been shared working on self esteem is helpful.

To avoid depression I also think it also helps to be thankful for encouragement wherever it comes from. For example if you get feedback that helps. Also be aware of who are safe people to share things with.

Please feel free to ignore anything that doesn't resonate as something constructive or positive.

This is part of what I've found helpful.
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