OCD & childhood expirementation

Postby ocdmadness » Tue May 04, 2021 3:29 pm

I’m so nervous to post this and please understand I really am struggling. I am a female in college and I am severely OCD. My ocd clings onto the past and this is something that has bothered me for awhile honestly but now I can’t focus. Growing up around the age of 12/13 my brother is a year older than me so he was around 13/14 but he is high functioning is a bit neurotypical. I know this is wrong now but I need help. When I was 12/13 he started watching porn and would sneak in my room and touch me. I remember being totally freaked out especially because I had never done anything like that before. The gross part is I remember it felt good and I pretended to be asleep. I remember at first I tried to like make it not happen and move or whatever. This happened a few times but then there were certain situations where I was awake for it. I remember one time he tried to give me a massage but it was weird he touched me again. I feel guilty because I remember in a messed up way I kinda liked it and that really really bothers me. The last time it happened we were watching a movie and he was laying on top of me and I felt that he had a ya know and that was too far for me because I felt like I don’t know what he was gonna try to do so I stopped it. I feel really weird too because I have an odd memory of trying to teach him how to masturbate but I never ever touched him. I told him I didn’t want to but also embarrassing I told him he should just use his bed and I made a hole in his bed for him to use. I didn’t watch him do it or anything I think honestly I just didn’t want him doing anything with his junk involving me so I think my child mind tried to rationalize a solution. The whole situation is disgusting believe me I know. We actually have a good relationship now and he is the most religious and kind human I know. I want to leave this in the past but everywhere I go I think about how that’s incest and I’m dirty and how everyone would think I’m disgusting or him and it’s affecting me in school. I’m in college and in finals and then I think about the fact my boyfriend of four years would probably break up with me and never talk to me again and no guys would like me. My therapist said this is sexual trauma and I agree but I also feel like it’s my fault because I complied and I don’t know how to feel normal again. I love my brother he is my very best friend and I know he’d be upset if he knew how upset I was. He was a kid and kids make mistakes but why can I say that for him and not myself? If anyone could make me feel better. Please kind words only. My self esteem has been so low because of this and I’ve been drinking every night to just not think about it and I’m scared I’m gonna fail finals because of this stupid stuff that happened 10 years ago. :(
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#1

Postby Candid » Wed May 05, 2021 6:33 am

ocdmadness wrote:I love my brother he is my very best friend and I know he’d be upset if he knew how upset I was.

So talk to him about it. Sounds like you and he could sort it out together and agree to keep it secret if that's what you both want

You have addressed your story to an unlimited number of unknown people instead of to your "very best friend". That really doesn't make sense.
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#2

Postby ocdmadness » Wed May 05, 2021 4:26 pm

I guess you are right. I’m just afraid that of what he will say and that it would ruin our relationship which is why I’m afraid.
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#3

Postby bawdyheated » Thu May 06, 2021 5:40 am

I feel like fear always lead to regret. I'd say go for it, if anything bad happens, then it is what it is.
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#4

Postby ActualityOfBeing » Thu May 06, 2021 1:11 pm

The innocent initial response is to think more, in an attempt to resolve the thinking, which isn’t resonating, or, does not feel good.

To different extents, one plays this route out fully, to arrive at the realization that thinking can never resolve or solve... thinking.

This is like being on a thought carousel one struggles to get off of. The difficulty in ‘getting of the carousel’, is in focusing on the thoughts which don’t resonate, one is subtly in an underlying way, keeping identified via focusing on (and believing) the thoughts.

Thoughts about there being a past arise... in direct experience there is no actuality of a past. But in the thought story which only seems to be about oneself... it is assumed there is a past.

Then, one attempts to feel better... about a past... as if feeling were in a past. This feels discordant, or ‘off’, because feeling is not in a past, but is presence.

When this ‘thinking more to resolve thinking’ (like the belief ‘something’s wrong with me’) is continuously employed, one begins to identify, as ‘the one’ who has (as in possesses) ocd. Comparatively, if one said one has a red jacket, and one were asked ‘where is this red jacket of yours’, one could point to it. In this sense, ocd is not something you have. It doesn’t describe you in any way.

When one feels, experiences emotion, and suppresses it... one does so by thinking about oneself, and mistaking that the thoughts have no actuality, or simply put, are not true.

One feels this, because of truth, or that there is a truth, or simply, the presence of the true nature.

Emotionally speaking, one often attempts to ‘move’ from the discord of self referential thinking, such as powerlessness, unworthiness, or insecurity... to emotions like optimism, enthusiasm, etc. One finds over and over that one can not do so. One must release, let go of what is held to be a ‘concern’, or ‘problem’, such as by focusing on seeing, hearing, breathing and feeling (instead of thoughts).

Then one creates contentment (by no longer holding conditions on how this moment must be for one to be happiness, peace, truth).

Upon the direct experience of contentment, one begins to realize one can always let focusing on thoughts and conditions go, and feel contentment. Knowing this, one feels much more confident about creating and experiencing the future and life one desires. This feels wonderful, as it is the ‘intention’ you had in the ‘first place’, prior to the living of this life. You are a creator, always most prior. You are the creator of your experience.
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#5

Postby ocdmadness » Thu May 06, 2021 4:42 pm

Is that kinda like practicing mindfulness? I definitely would love peace. I think this whole situation is really affecting my self esteem! Thanks for sharing :)
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