Unhealthy relationship and it's my fault

Postby Prooty » Tue May 04, 2021 4:52 pm

Last night my fiancé of 2 years asked me to text my mom to see if she received her mother's day card that was my fiance's idea. I grew up with a very angry, emotionally detached dad where reaching out to people for special occasions weren't a common thing. It's followed me to my adulthood unfortunately (27M). I didn't want to text my mom and ask because I figured me mentioning it would ruin the surprise. My fiance mentioned a couple things as did I and it escalated to an argument about the details of texting my mom about a card, which I did, and which she received and was very thankful. Things were said and self control was non existent on my part. I called her persistent and going on and on which wasn't necessary. This is one of many arguments that have happened over the course of two years because of the lack of self control on my part. I have outward signs of aggravation like neck twitches and teeth chatters. I could have easily texted her and asked, and I wouldn't be here today. I got a text from my fiance, or multiple rather, that basically mentions how she doesn't deserve to be treated this way and is fed up. Basically last chance. I've been emotionally detached for majority of our relationship, I've had poor communication skills. I've been resistant on learning about love languages. I've been selfish, and just plain mean. I honestly don't deserve this girl. She says I'm manipulative as well as gaslight her a lot. I hurts to know you physiologically abuse someone. I don't do these things on person, I do these things because it's was I've learned growing up. Ive caught on to extremely bad habits that I just can't stand about myself. She trys so hard to bring these things up to me and hold me accountable but I take them as shots instead of trying to help. I feel attacked a lot, because I don't know the difference between things that are said. I can't control myself in those situations and it sucks because it's really hurting and pushing my fiance away. I do acts of service all the time like dishes and laundry. Pick up after myself and clean up after she cooks dinner. I don't expect thank you's and I try to match efforts. I pick up after her and write notes to her every morning that tell her I love here and hope she has a good day. I feel like I have good intentions but intentions don't always mean actions. I don't think we work well with each other because I feel like she is controlling. She always has suggestions for tasks that we do and when I don't accept them, she takes it as I'm shutting her down. She reads a lot of articles that provide her with other people's experiences and I have had a problem with accepting that information. That what she does, thats what she brings to the table and it's something that I haven't accepted. Thinking about it though, maybe it's just because I want to keep in control and when she suggests stuff then I feel like I'm losing control. I don't feel like I have much control in our relationship. I know I can do better and treat her better but I keep getting in my own way. I know this is all over the place but honestly theres been so many times where she's asked for better treatment and I just haven't delivered. I'm going to lose this girl and it's going to be my fault. It sucks to know you've brought your partner down. She's lost trust in me and has even said she's lucky that we're not pregnant because she doesn't trust me to treat her better around the kids. It's to the point where I just need to let her go and try and pick up my pieces knowing that I've basically ruined someone that I love. We've tried to kick the word hate out of our vocabulary but I borderline hate the person I am. I don't know how to control my anger, my thoughts, my intentions. She feels like a bother when she asks me to do stuff because of my outward emotions I portray. I don't mind doing stuff for her, my problem is, I just don't like doing things in general even in my everyday life outside the house. I have a crappy attitude and I know it
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue May 04, 2021 6:29 pm

How is using nagging as her weapon of choice your fault?

"Text your mom."

"No."

"Text your mom."

"No."

"Text your mom."

"I wish you the best in life."

I'm exaggerating, but that is how you deal with nagging. If you have to say no more than twice, you escalate until the message is received. If the person repeatedly doesn't get it, you move on in life.

When I read what you wrote it seems like you are making every excuse possible to rationalize another person controlling you via nagging.

And this is where I will agree and say to some extent it is your fault. I only hesitate, because it can be difficult early in a relationship to detect when a person uses nagging as a weapon. It starts off with subtle requests, repeated a few times. But once you comply and they see it has worked, then they get more comfortable, more direct, and more brazen with their demands.

YOU gave the power to her. You allowed it to work. So now you have set yourself for an unhealthy relationship. And this can be very hard to undo. Anytime you disobey, she has the "nag" tool hanging on the belt. And she knows it works as you have allowed it to work, repeatedly.

You have three options:

-1- Accept your fate and be a good pet. Rationalize that you don't deserve her and that all of her commands are in your best interest. You are the child, she the parent. You just need to adjust your attitude mister.

-2- Confront the issue. "No" means "no". Recognize when you say no and when she pulls out the "nag" tool. Use the 3 strike rule. You say no once, you say no twice, then you say "NO!" and you do whatever to close the conversation. If this means physically leaving, then do so.

-3- End the relationship. You might be past the point of no return. It's like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube. It's like allowing a child to successfully get a toy by throwing a tantrum and then working to teach the child not to throw tantrums. She has a taste of using the nag tool and it works on you. From the fact it was used to control your text messaging shows it isn't going to be easy to use #2.

With all of the above, my advice may not be fair. I do not know how nice and sweet this person might be outside of the one page you have provided. Certainly there is more to the dynamics of your relationship that her using the "nag" tool. Still, that is what you presented. You presented a controlling person that uses nagging to get you to obey. That doesn't leave many options.
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