Needs and meeting them?

Postby WhiteOrchid » Fri May 07, 2021 9:46 pm

Can anyone offer any advice for how to recover more quickly from neglect ?

I was thinking in terms of how to notice my own needs and relate with others in a more balanced way for win win relationships.

How to meet needs and recognise responsibilities without getting emotional baggage or being selfish?
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri May 07, 2021 11:00 pm

Can you give an example or two?

You feel that you are being neglected/unappreciated? And you want to reduce your commitments/responsibilities, but that makes you feel selfish?
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#2

Postby WhiteOrchid » Sat May 08, 2021 9:29 am

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:You feel that you are being neglected/unappreciated? And you want to reduce your commitments/responsibilities, but that makes you feel selfish?


It's not that, I did experience neglect growing up and have found that as an adult, it's impacted my relationships.

The boundaries in the family were off.

I try to take on responsibilities but I don't seem to be able to.

I do have friendships, but I guess they may describe me sometimes as needy.

I'll try to think of an example.

Someone else says I'd like to see you when you're free or available.

I'm thinking really I don't want to but that seems callous. I need time away from that person, I don't know how much time. I don't want to explain to them but we used to be very close and they know pretty much most things about me. It's not that I'm trying to run them down but the boundaries are off.
I don't know how to maintain them and, next problem, I then have to face up to the fact that I'm alone.

Next example, I'm alone and facing responsibilities and I don't seem to be emotionally or financially equipped to deal with some of them.

I realise this can be explained in terms of having been codependent. I can explain some of what's going on but there is something missing for me to move forward.

Is there a really helpful guide to boundaries especially when vulnerable?
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#3

Postby Candid » Sat May 08, 2021 3:45 pm

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#4

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat May 08, 2021 4:30 pm

WhiteOrchid wrote:... there is something missing for me to move forward.


I can tell you how I would move forward.

I would focus on being 100% independent. This means that (1) I would be 100% selfish and (2) I would not have any expectations from anyone else.

WhiteOrchid wrote: Next example, I'm alone and facing responsibilities and I don't seem to be emotionally or financially equipped to deal with some of them.


And this might be an issue. If you don't think you can deal with your responsibilities, it can be difficult to be 100% independent. Regardless, that is where I would focus all of my energy.

To do so, I would take the time to write down all of my current responsibilities in life. What are my bills, my commitments, etc. Once I had a good understand of what I felt were all of my responsibilities, I would go through and see which ones I can eliminate. And if a responsibility can't be immediately eliminated, then I would work to reduce the responsibility.

Over time, I would reduce my dependency. That is how I would move forward.
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#5

Postby WhiteOrchid » Sat May 08, 2021 4:45 pm

Hi Candid,

Thank you, that link was spot on!
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#6

Postby WhiteOrchid » Sat May 08, 2021 4:50 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
WhiteOrchid wrote:... there is something missing for me to move forward.


I can tell you how I would move forward.

I would focus on being 100% independent. This means that (1) I would be 100% selfish and (2) I would not have any expectations from anyone else.

WhiteOrchid wrote: Next example, I'm alone and facing responsibilities and I don't seem to be emotionally or financially equipped to deal with some of them.


And this might be an issue. If you don't think you can deal with your responsibilities, it can be difficult to be 100% independent. Regardless, that is where I would focus all of my energy.

To do so, I would take the time to write down all of my current responsibilities in life. What are my bills, my commitments, etc. Once I had a good understand of what I felt were all of my responsibilities, I would go through and see which ones I can eliminate. And if a responsibility can't be immediately eliminated, then I would work to reduce the responsibility.

Over time, I would reduce my dependency. That is how I would move forward.


Thanks so much Richard! That was really helpful.
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