Guilt/Shame over past mistake, Real Event OCD

Postby Lostcause » Fri May 21, 2021 1:01 am

Hello, so just a few months ago I remembered an unpleasant memory from 9 years ago when I was 14 years old. I remembered this bad memory 6 months after it happened and spoke to an online helpline about it but I didn't confess properly because of shame. However I felt relief and had moved on. I had completely forgotten about it actually but ever since I remembered a detail, life hasn't been the same. I can barely do things, if it wasn't for my family and friends I don't know how I'd manage. Everytime I try to do something I like or enjoy something the memory comes in and I feel like sh** completely. The guilt and shame is unbearable and I feel like I deserve it, I used to think I'm a good person but after remembering the thought I feel lost and don't want to exist.

I also suffer massively from ocd, I've had hocd/pocd, harm ocd and now it's real event. I spend hours of my day ruminating trying to figure out every detail of what I did to reassure that it wasn't quite what my mind is making it seem.

So basically, my family and I went for vacation back home to our grandparent's house for the summer. There was a cleaner there and she would bring her baby there as she couldn't afford a sitter. I would always greet the baby, play with him and just have fun without issues, totally normal. (I didn't have severe ocd at the time so I was able to be around children, I developed pocd symptoms a few years after that). One day, I don't know why but I did a sexual gesture on the baby. I DID NOT grope, kiss, molest, or anything like that. I was sitting on the couch where the baby was and just acting out a gesture. I was caressing the baby on both sides of its face kind of like how dogs sniff through things. I feel absolutely terrible and disgusted now with what I did but at the time I didn't even realize. It's crazy because I know for a fact that I was not aroused when I did that. I've always been attracted to women only as I watched porn from when I was 12-13. My first kiss, dates, etc were all with women. My gut tells me that I just randomly thought of that thought and just ''acted it out," that it wasn't actually real. It didn't even last long like I'd say 30 seconds to a minute. We were there for almost 40 days and not once I did anything sexual with the baby those other days. I didn't even do that same gesture the next day!

My ocd and me basically makes me think I meant it and that I probably liked it but I keep telling myself that I didn't. To prove that I tell myself there were many scenarios where I could have done something more BUT I DIDN'T because I KNOW I wasn't attracted to the baby. But because it was so long ago I don't quite remember what I exactly thought or why I did what I did. I just have a gut feeling that it was a fake act, maybe as a joke or maybe I was bored and just thought of it. After remembering this 9 years later I've been crying, thinking about how I'm going to continue life, wondering if this will ever go away. Maybe I deserve all this pain. I am absolutely disgusted, ashamed and angry at myself. It doesn't make any sense to me. Has something like this ever happened to any of you where you did a fake gesture like I did?

One analogy I use to relieve my anxiety is I say that whatever I did is like doing it to a mannequin that it was just a fake gesture, I wasn't really attracted to it. But with ocd it's 10 times worse and it's making me think what if I did mean it and was attracted. It's unbearable, I know I'm a good person and i had a lot of plans for my life but now I feel that I can't do anything. I don't even want to exist, not suicidal but I feel I sabotaged my whole life from this one mistake. I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from doing what I did or somehow just wipe this bad memory from my brain. Anyways, I hope you can have an open mind and give me some advice, any help is appreciated. I will be seeking therapy shortly, no other choice.
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