My Friendship Dilemma!!

Do I tell my female friend of 40+ years that I Love Her!?

Yes
2
67%
No
1
33%
 
Total votes : 3

Postby Jeff01 » Sat Jul 17, 2021 8:57 am

Hi all. I am new here, because I am trying to get some advice, that I can’t really find the answer to anywhere else. Okay, here is my dilemma. I am a 50 year old divorced guy. My friend is a 50 year old married woman, with 3 children, and I have known her for the last 40+ years, since when we started Kindergarten together with each other, at like 6 years old, and we are really good friends.

We talk with each other every single day, for hours at a time, and we like all the same things, and have so much in common. We talk about everything from sports, politics, weather, gardening, TV shows, movies, etc.

Now here’s the problem, I Love Her. Yes, I love her as a friend, but I love her, love her as well. I mean I certainly don’t want to ruin her marriage with her husband, or ruin her family life, or anything, I’m just not sure if I should tell her my true feelings for her, because I don’t know if that might even ruin things between us!?

It’s just we both have so many things in common, and love so much of the same things, that deep down in my heart, I truly believe that she is my soulmate in this life, but unfortunately, our paths went different directions somewhere in life.

And being 50 years old already, I’m getting up there in life, plus say something were to happen to me tomorrow, like I get hit by a car crossing the street, and I don’t make it. She will have never known my true feelings for her, that I really love her with all my heart.

I’m so confused over what to do!? Please help, and offer me advice!! :(
Jeff01
New Member
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Jul 17, 2021 8:44 am
Likes Received: 0


#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Jul 17, 2021 1:07 pm

Jeff01 wrote: I mean I certainly don’t want to ruin her marriage with her husband, or ruin her family life, or anything,


There is your answer. It is crystal clear.

You don’t want to hurt a family. It’s not just one person. It is hurting an entire family. You are hurting a father, a mother, and three children.

How could you live with that damage? By convincing yourself, “But, but, but what about love? What if…what if…?”

While I understand the feelings, they are narcissistic and selfish. You know this.

And this is where I commend you. You posted this question, because you are struggling with these narcissistic, selfish feelings. You want so bad to rationalize and justify “love” as having some higher moral purpose, but you know that is hogwash. You know very well the right thing to do is to leave this family in peace.
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 11736
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 1228

#2

Postby Jeff01 » Sat Jul 17, 2021 2:00 pm

Hello. Thank you for the advice, I appreciate it!! One of the reasons why I’m confused is because of something that she herself has told me.

A few years ago, she lost her Dad, who she was very close to, when he died unexpectedly from a heart attack during the middle of the night. So she is always telling people, myself included, which is:

“If you love someone, make sure that you tell them today, because you aren’t promised a tomorrow.”

I don’t want to ruin anything and jeopardize my 43-year-old friendship with her. I don’t want to ruin her family life for her children. I want her to know, incase something ever did happen to me, before I ever got a chance to tell her, how special she has always been to me, and that even though we might be only really close friends, I will always love her with all my heart.
Jeff01
New Member
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Jul 17, 2021 8:44 am
Likes Received: 0

#3

Postby Jeff01 » Sat Jul 17, 2021 2:08 pm

And not to go into too many details, but for those wonder, yes, there have been problems between her and her husband over the last couple of years. He is often very verbally abusive to her, constantly calling her names like "fat", "ugly", "worthless", "a 450 pound beached whale", and much worse. She is actually underweight, and only weighs 90 pounds!

It's gotten so bad between her and the husband, that they sleep in separate bedrooms, and have been for 2 years now. He has his own bedroom upstairs, and she has her own bedroom downstairs.

Unfortunately, they both own everything 50/50, the house, the cars, a vacation home in another state, etc. It’s gotten so bad that they have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for the last two years. She has told the husband to leave, but he refuses to do so because he says, “it’s his house too.” He said that he wants “her to leave.”

She’s afraid that if she leaves, he’s going to run right to his lawyer and claim that she “abandoned the three kids, and took off, and left them behind,” and then he will get custody of them. I asked her what she plans on doing about this whole situation, and she said that while she “HATES her husband, the kids are her whole life, and she can’t leave them behind, so she stays there and remains miserable, being stuck married to this guy.”

She can’t just leave and take the kids with her because she has no place to go. After all, she has no job besides being a mom and a housewife. Her only income is monthly SSI because she has many physical and mental health problems that she deals with, like severe depression, severe anxiety, memory loss, adult ADHD, asthma, allergies, problems with her neck, back, and back knees, etc.

And unfortunately, I don’t have the room to take her and her three kids in because I’m only in a one-bedroom place right now.
Jeff01
New Member
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Jul 17, 2021 8:44 am
Likes Received: 0

#4

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Jul 17, 2021 2:24 pm

Jeff01 wrote:A few years ago, she lost her Dad, who she was very close to, when he died unexpectedly from a heart attack during the middle of the night. So she is always telling people, myself included, which is:

“If you love someone, make sure that you tell them today, because you aren’t promised a tomorrow.”


This is a rationalization.

There is a HUGE difference between, “I love you dad, thanks for raising me,” and “I love you, let’s permanently commit to each other and have sex.”

You know this.

But, you want to act like they are the same thing. Why? Well…because if they are the same thing then you have a reason, a justification for doing what’s best for you amd can even blame it on people other than you.

When members of the family ask why you tried to destroy the family, your response is, “Well, years ago you said you are not promised tomorrow…so I took your advice. It’s your fault that I told you.”

I’m not saying precisely the above…it’s the way humans try to reduce regret. We know we are doing the wrong thing, but we explain away our responsibility.
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 11736
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 1228

#5

Postby Jeff01 » Sat Jul 17, 2021 2:30 pm

And the funny thing is, while I am 100% percent heterosexual and straight, I don’t even look at, or think about my female friend sexually at all. Here’s the thing though, I don’t want her and me to have an extramarital affair.

And it’s weird because I probably should, because she’s gorgeous, 5 foot 2, 90 pounds, long straight Blond hair, and gorgeous light Brown eyes, a great smile that will light up a room, she’s a real beauty, but I don’t even think about her sexually.

I went through a bad marriage, in which I was verbally abused by my ex-wife, who stole money and valuables from both my family members and me, creating problems in which they were mad at me because of what she did.

I have also battled with anxiety and depression because of things my ex-wife did to me, and my female friend understands this and is always there to talk to me, support me, listen to me, etc. Her just talking to me, and caring for me, and being a great friend to me, is what makes me love her.

She has been such a blessing to me over the last four years that I don’t know where I would be if she weren’t in my life, and so I love her as a friend, but I love her as a companion as well. But I don’t even think about doing anything with her physically or sexually, because I appreciate what we have with each other right now.

Would I ever want to have a physical or sexual relationship with her? I haven’t even really thought about it. I mean, though, the only thing I have thought about regarding something physical is when her husband, a bully, mentally and emotionally berates her. When he calls her names like “fat”, "ugly", "worthless", or "a 450 pound beached whale", I just wish that I could hold her in my arms, stroke her long blond hair, touch her on the cheek, and tell her how much of a beautiful woman she really is.
Jeff01
New Member
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Jul 17, 2021 8:44 am
Likes Received: 0

#6

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Jul 17, 2021 2:50 pm

Jeff01 wrote:And not to go into too many details, but for those wonder, yes, there have been problems between her and her husband over the last couple of years.


Of course there have been.

You might not realize it, but you are telling the classic, stereotypical "home wrecker" story.

A married couple with three kids. They begin to have a few problems, go figure. They start to grow apart. Enter the "home wrecker". Sometimes it is a coworker, maybe an ex, maybe a life long friend. It is a person the spouse confides that there are "some problems" at home.

The "home wrecker" is labeled such, because they are an opportunist. They skirt the edges, being a good "confidant", being a shoulder to cry on. But, in the back of the mind they think, "What if?"

Note, I'm not saying it starts off as intentional opportunism. Initially, it begins with simply discovering the marriage has issues. It's only a bit later that the "What if" question begins to creep in. "What if the marriage fails? Maybe I have a shot here."

So the "home wrecker" begins to be available and develop the relationship. It is "innocent". They hide their true feelings and they hide their true motives...they lie, even to themselves.

Here is a simple question. Do you want her to get a divorce? If you are honest with yourself, the answer is a resounding yes. You don't really care if she loves you. You "love" her and so you want a shot at her. Based on your last post you have already imagined being with her and her kids.

You are not helping her. You are providing "hints" by being more responsive and sweeter to her than her husband. That is what "home wreckers" do. They become temptation. They, indirectly drive a wedge in the relationship.

My advice is to stop being that wedge. Work on being less available.
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 11736
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 1228

#7

Postby quietvoice » Sat Jul 17, 2021 5:39 pm

~
If she has any perceptive abilities at all, she already knows.

I don't see a problem being her friend, and standing by her in a friend way. She, though, needs to work her own way out of her mess of a marriage and start the healing process before getting involved with another person (or so people would say). The children do not benefit from their sour relationship.

You cannot wreck an already wrecked marriage.
User avatar
quietvoice
Senior Member
 
Posts: 2768
Joined: Tue Mar 18, 2014 8:14 pm
Likes Received: 284

#8

Postby Livetowin » Wed Sep 22, 2021 4:03 pm

Being in love is such a devils den of torture. When you stand on the outside of something you perceive as wanting, you are programmed to hear and see only the things that will help you procure possession of that. But here's the thing. Being a friend and being a spouse are not equal.

The two of you might have best of intentions in your friendship, but you will only hear her perspective and never know the full picture until you walk in her husband's shoes. Its disarming to compare scars and be a shoulder for someone in need. That kind of unity while rewarding has a very low bar to meet. Don't kid yourself. Regardless of her trials and tribulations with her husband, if you want to be a real friend, then just listen, but don't get in the middle of that. And as others have said, she understands that you care. And maybe on some level it is love as much as it can be in this situation. But that doesn't validate the need to take action. You have a 40 year friendship. Maybe you best preserve and protect that so it doesn't go anywhere.
Livetowin
Senior Member
 
Posts: 1016
Joined: Wed Feb 24, 2010 2:18 pm
Likes Received: 88



  • Similar Topics
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Return to Relationships