Dealing with conflict

Postby imNotARobot » Sat Jul 17, 2021 8:41 pm

Hi,

I'm new to this forum so I hope I have put my post in the right section. We have been friends since high school and work together now. Both me and my friend were playing Rugby last weekend and had a good time. We both drove to and from there together. We both got back home and played videos games like we do most evenings.

We got into a bit of an argument he said things and I said things back. Looking back, I wasn't at all rude and didn't insult him. Just spoke my mind. The words I used obviously didn't come out right and I'm assuming he didn't like it. I'm not angel but what he said was unjustified. I was honestly in shock with the things I heard and struggled to speak like a normal person. Even though I'm confident that what he said is untrue I still feel terrible, like I actually did what he said. But I didn't. Why do I feel so terrible, like I have betrayed him in a way. And again, I'm confident I haven't. If I go on to talk further he'd get mad or angry.

Why do I feel this way? What is this called? I've never been good with emotions and it is kind of driving me crazy. We haven't spoke all week but we have work together soon. How do you deal with conflict, no one has every taught me this stuff.

Best regards,
imnotarobot
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Jul 17, 2021 9:49 pm

imNotARobot wrote: Just spoke my mind.


Why?

One way to deal with conflict is to know what battles are important. What was so important about this issue? Why did you think it necessary to speak your mind?

I'm not saying that you should have been silent, but your post was rather vague.
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#2

Postby imNotARobot » Sat Jul 17, 2021 10:38 pm

I was intentionally vague, I will give some more details.

I spoke my mind because I didn't think it would be a big deal. I was very wrong. Before all this, I'd be upset with him because he'd talk to me however he wanted. He didn't care. So, I stood up for myself and treated him the same way. Probably not the best thing to do but it worked.

Honestly, I've thought about it and I can't give you an exact reason why it's important. I don't know why. It's a combination of many things I think. All the things he told me I felt about him the same way just a few years ago.

I took a lot of sh** from him through high school and now I was sitting here listening to him telling me all the things I thought about him but was too scared to say anything. I feel the same was as I did back in high school all over again. That is my best guess.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Jul 17, 2021 10:56 pm

imNotARobot wrote:I took a lot of sh** from him through high school...


That sounds more like you didn't have self esteem. It is less about how to deal with conflict and more about allowing a "friend" to dish out "a lot of s**t".

Why?

It's not really a question you need to answer in a forum. It's a question you need to answer for yourself. Why would you consider a person that is giving you "a lot of sh**" a friend? What were you struggling with that would allow that to happen?

You are not alone. Plenty of people find themselves in unhealthy friendships. The question is why?
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#4

Postby imNotARobot » Sat Jul 17, 2021 11:29 pm

Genuine question. What is the difference? Isn't dealing with conflict and not allowing a friend to dish out sh** the same? In the end, they both equate to the same thing but one applies to more than one scenario.

When I wrote how to dealing with conflict I meant more of the aftermath. There isn't no one way of knowing if you're right. There isn't a magic book that has all the details and history of our lives and there isn't anyone to tell you what to do.

I definitely did have low self esteem when I was younger. With the limited information/context I've given I think you're right.
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Jul 18, 2021 12:33 am

imNotARobot wrote:Genuine question. What is the difference? Isn't dealing with conflict and not allowing a friend to dish out sh** the same?


I agree there is some degree of overlap, but there is also a difference.

In one case, you are minimizing conflict by being better at choosing healthy friendships upfront and distancing yourself from unhealthy, nonproductive friendships. It is proactive.

In the second case, you are reactive as you try to maintain an unhealthy friendship, using ineffective conflict resolution via avoidance, acceptance, etc.

I don't accept the premise that you can't choose healthy friendships. When I meet someone new, I can recognize red flags. I can see how they are treating other people, how they carry themselves, etc.

And by your own admission, this took place for years. Sh** on me once, shame on you, but if it happens again, shame on me. Why would I allow a person to repeatedly sh**t on me? I wouldn't. And the is a good way to eliminate conflict.
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