Family relationship trouble

Postby Zach.white » Thu Jul 29, 2021 4:19 am

Ok so today has been a little rough for me. This is going to be super long but here goes. Let me tell you all a little about myself. I was raised in a Christian environment and go to church almost every Sunday. Im the oldest child and I'm 14 and need some advice or help in what to do with my life. My life sounds pretty good and I feel that it is but some things just really overwhelm me. I'm a freshman in high school and I ranked in nationals for wrestling. I really love my parents for taking me and paying for all of the events but there has been some trouble.

So a little about my brother. He is the next youngest after me. Let's just say he's a wild card. He always does half assed jobs, he is so lazy, a little chubby, and just does what typical 12 year old does. But there is something special about him. I honestly can't tell you a lot because I am not him but here's what I think. All the time he acts like he is bugger and better then EVERY ONE. He makes me so mad. And when you bet into argument with him. He doesn't ever shut his mouth after it's over. He does stupid little things that make me angry. Sometime I think to myself "I wish he was never born, or I wish he would be with another family".

Next is my dad. He grew up in a great child hood. My grandparents are great and that's why my dad turned out so successful in life. He married a beautiful women(my mom), owns his own successful business and is a hard worker. But there is one thing about him. He has anger issues. He's constantly yelling at us when he gets home from work. Calls us names such as (brats, pricks, asses, ect ect). And honestly I've had it up to my hairs. He's always yelling, saying that we are disrespecting him and that we are no help to this family. And kne thing I just don't get. He claims that he is Christian, and I know my mom is but he doesn't act like it ever. And it makes me sad.

I lay in my bed crying most nights thinking of how I can make him happy or make my family's life better. So this happened tonight. He got home yelling at us because my brother trashed the upstairs with his candy rappers and bottles. He's so lazy. That he pisses in water bottles. Anyway he made me and him clean it up. So I asked him why I had to help him and he just said because I'm the boss of you. So we end up going up there and cleaned it while tye whole time my brother just griped and said that all of his mess was my fault?! After it's done he starts giving me a long donkey lecture about how I disrespect him, even in the tone of my voice. So I just left the room and started talking to my mom about jonas and how cleaning went and my dad came barging into the room and said I was disrespecting his wife with my tone of voice. And then my mom said that I wasn't and so he walked away all pissed bc I was right.

I walk into he kitchen to go outside and told me to wait. So I waited and he asked me why I couldn't just clean clean upstairs room with out forcing my brother to help and so I told him it was because I made 0% of the mess and he threw the hard boiled egg that he was currently eating at the counter out of anger. That's when I had it. So I went outside until we left for our family friends house. Once we get there he acts so nice and friendly, like literally nothing just happened. That's what makes me the most mad, it's that he can change his attitude so easily but when he's around just us it's it's complete opposite. Once we get home I had been waiting to play online with my friend but jonas rushes upstairs to our gaming room to steal the Xbox before me while I'm using the bathroom. So I kick him off of it and he keeps stealing thing like the power cord and my phone and xbox controller. And so of course since I am a lot stronger than him and literally ranked in nationals I take it all back. I have no idea how he is not scared of me or anything. He just does not stop.

So he eventually went away and played his iPad but then when my dad told him it was time to go to bed came up there and started yelling at me to get off. I said dad didn't tell me to so I'm not moving. That when he went to the basement and turned off the power to the upstairs. I came down turned the power back on and went to him to call him a name or something.at the time he was filling his water bottle and so I stole it from him and ran outside. I threw it into the yard and watched him find it after I toyed with him a bit. Like I see how I am kind of a jerk but I don't feel like there is any other way around him. I've tried being nice to him before and multiple other things but nothing seems to work.

My dad and mom were already in there bed getting ready to sleep when they heard me and him arguing. He called us up to there room and asked us what happened I told him what had happened and then threatened to ground us and beat us with a belt and smsh the Xbox. And then went on to tell us how we were acting like two year Olds. And after the conversation I said "I have something to say" then he said "what" with a stern voice. I said " im going to say this as respectfully as possible but you have no right to call us a 2 year old". And he asked me why. I said "bc just earlier you were doing the same exact things, likewhen you threw that egg earlier". He said to mom, " somebody is going to die tonight. And then he brought up how mybrkther and I were "fighting" and then he said "would u rather me smack u in the face or throw that egg" I didnt reply. He went on to how he is an adult and can do those things but then I pitched in and said but your are the example of the family. Then he said "damn right". Idk what he meant by that bc his example honestly I feel is not good in any way. Eventually he yelled at me and my brother to go to bed and that's where I am now.

Guys I really need help with what to do with my relationship with him. It makes me sad and mad at the same time. Like I think that I want to punch him. And me and my dad have had actual fist fights in the past and I have ran away for a week before but I don't want that to happen again. What do I do? If you read this all thank you so much. This took me a long time.
Zach.white
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#1

Postby Candid » Thu Jul 29, 2021 1:28 pm

Zach, you sound like a lovely guy and from what you write about your father, repairing the relationship isn't up to you. He's behaving horribly and that probably won't change. I sense that yours is a big family and it sounds as though everyone's stressed. Maybe there's some things your dad can't tell you. He could be having a hard time at work. It's possible he has money worries. Possibly your mother is fed up with making babies and is saying no to him in the bedroom. Sometimes adults are under great stress about things they can't tell anyone, least of all their children.

Whatever the reason he's behaving like this, you can't change it. You can't change the kid brother, either. You can only change the way you deal with it and the way you think about it.

The last of the human freedoms: to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way. And there were always choices to make. Every day, every hour, offered the opportunity to make a decision, a decision which determined whether you would or would not submit to those powers which threatened to rob you of your very self, your inner freedom; which determined whether or not you become the plaything to circumstance, renouncing freedom and dignity...

That's a quote from Viktor Frankl, who survived the Nazi death camps in World War II.

At 14 you no doubt have problems of your own. For me it was the age when I started to bleed from between my legs; I don't know how it is for boys but maybe one of our lovely men here will come in with a better idea of what's happening to you on the inside.

[My dad] has anger issues. He's constantly yelling at us when he gets home from work. Calls us names such as (brats, pricks, asses, ect ect). And honestly I've had it up to my hairs.

My Dad was often out-of-control angry as well. He wasn't as hard to live with as yours, but he said some hurtful things. I always knew he loved my mother, me and my siblings, though. I believe you love all your family members, but that as the eldest child you are over-responsible and too much is expected of you.

I lay in my bed crying most nights thinking of how I can make him happy or make my family's life better.

You can, but not by changing them. You have to change you. I hope they at least respect the time you need for school work and other activities that are important to you. Beyond that, as a practising Christian you can be the one who engages Jonas in an activity you both enjoy. You can ask your mom if she needs any help when she's preparing the main meal of the day. Start with those two (and I have a hunch there are younger ones) because they're probably the easiest ones to get on side.

That may have been a bad way of phrasing it. We don't want to add to your father's burdens by giving him the impression his family is ganging up on him. So you're going to have to pick a time when he's relatively chilled, maybe at the weekend or after he and mom have visited their friends, and start a conversation. You're not going to talk to him about his bad behaviours (throwing boiled eggs and saying someone's going to die tonight are very bad); you're going to use your knowledge and understanding of him to pick a topic that'll engage him.

I know this is a lot to ask of you, because what I'm saying is you're going to be the bigger person. You were brilliant in your approach to him in this bit
"I have something to say" then he said "what" with a stern voice. I said " im going to say this as respectfully as possible but you have no right to call us a 2 year old",
you just picked the wrong subject. Very few parents will take criticism from their offspring, especially when they've had a tough day and are already feeling guilty.

Dad must have, or at least had, some hobby or interest you know about, and can ask him questions about. You can ask about his education, or his career. You know better than I do what he might be happy to talk about.

I just left the room and started talking to my mom about jonas and how cleaning went and my dad came barging into the room and said I was disrespecting his wife with my tone of voice. And then my mom said that I wasn't and so he walked away all pissed bc I was right.


Of course he did! He's the man of the family and he knows he lost control of himself and that means he (temporarily, I'm sure) lost control of the family. This interaction between the old stag and the young buck who challenges him is classic. As the eldest son you've taken too much on. In a way it was flattering that he obliged you to clean the room when it was Jonas who made the mess. He knew you were up to the task and Jonas wasn't.

So I went outside until we left for our family friends house. Once we get there he acts so nice and friendly, like literally nothing just happened. That's what makes me the most mad, it's that he can change his attitude so easily but when he's around just us it's it's complete opposite.


My Dad did that, too, especially if there was a relaxing drink involved. People who live together can throw tantrums and behave very badly, knowing no one is leaving. When you all go out together, the family has to present a united front. You probably all feel better for it: no arguments over equipment, no egg-throwing, no insults.

And so of course since I am a lot stronger than him and literally ranked in nationals I take it all back. I have no idea how he is not scared of me or anything. He just does not stop.

Yep, you're stronger than him but you're not as strong as your father. It's his house and anyone who lives there has to play by his rules... or else.

There'll be a time 40 or 50 years from now when your father's not so hard to manage, and in living independently yourself the relationship gets a lot easier. And yes, I know it's hard at 14 to imagine four or five decades ahead, but at that time you'll have bigger things to worry about yourself. That's the price you pay for not dying in childhood or adolescence. Life gets harder as you go on.

Like I see how I am kind of a jerk

Well, that's not what I'm seeing. I'm seeing a 14-year-old who loves all his family members and somehow feels responsible for everyone else's bad moods.

He [...] threatened to ground us and beat us with a belt and smsh the Xbox.

Luckily he's all talk and no trousers as the saying goes, but don't tell him that! Find something to praise him for, any small thing you can think of. Everyone's happier if they focus on what people are doing right instead of what they're doing wrong.

When someone's in a bad mood, lots of noise they can't escape from pushes them over the edge. I don't know what you can do about young Jonas, who sounds every bit as annoying as my younger sister used to be, but squabbling makes everything worse. This is a lot to throw at you, but you have to be the bigger man with Jonas (don't react, approach him on his level) and the smaller man around your father. The old stag needs appreciation and it isn't time for the young buck to challenge him in any way.

If you read this all thank you so much. This took me a long time.

You're most welcome, Zach. It took me a long time as well, but I believe in you to the extent of counting on you NOT being a one-post wonder.
Candid
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#2

Postby Zach.white » Fri Jul 30, 2021 1:03 am

Candid that meant so much to me. Thank you, I appreciate your time and effort to help someone else that you don’t even know. I feel a lot better and will try to put some of these things in action. Again, thanks
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