Should I give Tinder one more shot?

Postby riddigit » Mon Aug 02, 2021 7:21 pm

Im a girl, will turn 20 in 3 months. I had Tinder (and hinge and bumble) for a year and deleted it about 5 months ago. I use to go on dates a lot, but just casual stuff (hookups or just drinks). Ive never been in a relationship tho. I did meet a couple of guys I really liked but they either just wanted to have sex with me or they didnt like me back as much or at all.

Since ive quit tinder, ive been focusing on myself, hitting the gym regularly and having a healthy lifestyle. At first i was feeling amazing. But recently this past month im starting to miss going out with guys and I feel very lonely (always have but now more than ever). Maybe its because I moved out of my parents' 2 months ago, Ive been pushing my friends away (trust issues) and I have a bad relationship with my family. So i basically barely have family or friends and Im living all alone. Im VERY lonely. Should I give Tinder one more shot? Like one more date then delete it and refocus on myself again?
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Aug 02, 2021 11:49 pm

The cure to loneliness is not a dating app.

Until you stop pushing people away, you will always be lonely. You can get a “quick fix” but it won’t last if you don’t address the underlying issue.

Besides the gym, you can enroll in classes, join a club, volunteer, sign up for a coed sport, get a part time job, etc. etc. etc.
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Postby romanrusso » Tue Aug 03, 2021 7:13 am

Well said Richard. Also, I'd add that on Tinder you will find more of what you don't want quick hook up culture, where boys are interested more of what they can get from you than you as a person. Solution is, of course, to get your social life together again, to see how you can create strong and lasting relationships with people you actually enjoy and yes it would be great if you could understand why you are push others away. Is it because you feel they are not good enough for you? Are you not good enough for them? Is it something else? If you are giving tinder a shot, I'd say you are in a big enough town with enough people to interact, so maybe there are more healthy ways of talking to people than just tinder. :)
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Postby Candid » Tue Aug 03, 2021 2:29 pm

riddigit wrote:Maybe its because I moved out of my parents' 2 months ago, Ive been pushing my friends away (trust issues) and I have a bad relationship with my family.

I get it, You sound a lot like me at the same age. I've probably spent more years living alone than with someone else. I know I'm hard to live with. But there are times (like now for you) when the bleakness is unbearable and you wish there was someone in the next room, not necessarily talking to you but just there.

Having a bad relationship with your family rings an alarm bell. I remember dear old Dad saying to me: "If you can't get on with us, you won't get on with anybody." Fortunately he was wrong. I blossomed after he and Mum told me I had to leave. I was a bit older than you, 21. It hurt so much to be the family scapegoat who was forced out of the "tribe", but that's how it was.

In a way what my Dad said was true. But if one person wants you OUT, in my case Mum, you have to go and you won't be able to explain that to other family members, much less outsiders.

There are online support groups now, and they would be more nourishing (even nurturing) than Tinder or other chat sites.

Let me know whether this post makes sense to you, because there's more I can tell you. The bottom line is that thanks to the www you're more likely at 19 than I was at 21 to find a solution to your relational troubles, and NOT have to spend decades in the wilderness.
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Postby greenaffiliates » Wed Oct 13, 2021 6:28 am

Go fot it if you think its worth the shot.
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Postby Livetowin » Thu Oct 14, 2021 2:03 pm

At your age this is a tough conversation to have because you're still very much in your developmental years. But its never too early to start talking about ownership. However you see yourself or feel about yourself, you ultimately own those perceptions. But at 19, we all tend to be an open book to the world and so its difficult to filter messaging on the outside to define ourselves.

Let's first address the things you have redefined in your life. You talk about family and friends that are distant from you right now. Are your family issues more you wanting to be out on your own or were there real problems in your family that you had to escape from? I ask because we all reach a point where we outgrow the traditional framework of our family as we get older. As we begin to find ourselves, we notice we may not be as compatible with our parents anymore. So living under the same roof becomes a more rigid experience compared to when we were young and followed their guidance. Being young we always perceive that fracture in communication as a problem with them, when in fact its just our time to move into our own space to find ourselves.

I would think about that and ask yourself, if you can start the process of emotionally looking at yourself as an adult and them as adults and understand it can't remain a parent-child dynamic anymore, even though you will likely always address each other with those familiar references. There has to be an emotional acknowledgement on your part that the roles have changed and that its the cycle of life changes, not someone being at fault.

In terms of friends, that's a quicker examination. If you have specific examples of distrust from these people whom you label as "friends" then maybe there's some internal wisdom in play here. Maybe you're beginning to understand they are not the people you thought they were, so calling them your friends was not necessarily a wise move. Or maybe they are simply not the people whom you like being around anymore because you're a different person with different interests now. So lets not take having more time to yourself as a bad thing. Better to be true to yourself than live a lie to be somewhere you would rather not be. Don't mistaken a break from old habits as a mistake. Create a new life to replace them.

This also applies to dating apps. If you're simply wanting the attention, then you have to ask yourself if this is the best approach you want to take, because it sounds like you have a pretty strong understanding of what this platform attracts and the risks that come with it. When I look back on my life when I was young, I always wish I had listen to my instincts better. Sometimes you feel that way because experience is telling your higher faculties its time to move on.
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