Class collective and not fitting in - help

Postby Piker » Tue Sep 07, 2021 5:33 pm

Hello for once.

Today I am speaking for my beloved young friend (15 years), who is having trouble fitting into her new class. I would love some wise words so that I can help her solve (or at least treat) this problem of hers.

I quote her (edited and translated):

My new class. I’ve known these people for four days. I think we have a good collective there. But the collective is one thing, and the other thing are your close friends that you find there, because 30 people can’t have fun at once. Well, with the closer friends… I like to be around people, I like to talk to them, and I don’t mind listening to them, but I like to have someone actually listen to me once in a while. But then again, I’m not the kind of person who rushes all over the place because, I’m afraid I’ll be annoying and that they won’t like me that way. I feel like I’m annoying a lot, but I don’t know what it is. Maybe, that’s just my feeling, or everyone else feels differently. If I’m “intruding” (because I know there’s no other way) then I have a problem with talking about something, and nobody actually listens. Somebody else just starts talking, and everybody listens to them. I don’t know if I’m that boring, because I don’t seem to have such a flat voice..

This didn’t just happen to me for four days at school, this happens to me all the time. I don’t know what to do about it; like shouting in a group: “Hey pay attention now, I’m talking!” is not really something i want to do, and I won’t. Maybe as a joke, but I’d have to feel right for it somehow, and that means that I wouldn’t have to make fun of it anymore. So that’s talking. Next, what next? Well, they form groups there because they’ve known each other before. I don’t know anyone there. But even those who didn’t know each other are in those groups. There are those who can see outright that they don’t want to take part. And then there’s me. I don’t look like a buffoon, but it’s also clear that the group won’t come and say: “Well, we appreciate you now, come talk to us” or something, but then again – I’m not going to see them, it’s no use. Sometimes when I get in a group, I try to stay there for a while, see if there’s anything I can say, and somebody notices, but it sucks. And I feel like they’re still pissed off, like what I’m getting at. This is probably an exaggeration, but you start to feel that way, and you don’t even want to join in, or you’re afraid someone’s gonna take another look or say something.. That may not even be aimed at you, or thought wrong in any way, but you feel that way, and again when it happens again…

I have a feeling (I use it over and over again, but I don’t know if this is really the case, or I exaggerate it all and take it over differently …) that when I talk to most people, they don’t want to talk to me. They just wave it at you, and then they go “inconspicuously” elsewhere … It’s just like I’m bothering them. Mostly they don’t even want to start talking to me … Probably for the same reason? But I don’t know! Just why? What’s wrong with me? What? What? I came to a BUS stop, there was a girl from the class, headphones in the ears, so maybe it would be formal that when a classmate arrives, who is new and I don’t know him, and I have no problem with him, maybe just try to take out the headphones and try to to talk? No, she didn’t, why would she, right? Here, all these are small things that are small, but on the other hand, they shape my new life and create my feelings and impressions.

But I’m sitting with a girl who looks nice. She’s also quiet, she’s not in any of those groups either, and she doesn’t seem to mind, but I’m not entirely sure about her. But that’s the other part of me – I’m sorry I’m not in any of those groups. And then I lead these fights with myself, with the others …

I want to be among people, I don’t even want to play anything, I want them to take me or respect me as I am. I couldn’t even play another person, except a little different, but not much. And I don’t want that either. I wouldn’t even deserve someone’s friendship when they trust the mask on my face. But just – if it’s me, they don’t take me as who I am, I’m alone. Or semi-alone, as I roughly explained in the “class description”.

End of quote

So, if you have any ideas, words of support, or any clue what to do about it, please let me know.
New Member
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Sep 07, 2021 5:23 pm
Likes Received: 0


Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Sep 07, 2021 6:03 pm

Piker wrote: I would love some wise words…

It is difficult for a 15 year old to understand. She thinks that she is observant and listening. If you tell her that she is not actually listening, most likely she will disagree.

How can we tell she is not actually listening?

Because all of her ‘listening” is very selective. It is listening in order to turn the conversation and attention on herself. She is only listening in hopes she can find a place where she can add her opinion and thereby be noticed.

This is very normal for teenagers.

Tell her to follow a simple rule. Before stating her opinion, ask no less than three, open ended questions about the topic.

Note, open ended means you don’t ask simple yes/no questions.
Posts: 12140
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 1273

Return to Workplace Psychology