Lost in a relationship

Postby No0ne » Fri Sep 17, 2021 9:39 am

Hello. All this situation that I'm in, make me feel like I'm lost.

I have a boyfriend now, we are together for about half an year, and I known him for like six years before we started this relationship. So we have a lot of friends in common.

And yesterday he was at my home alone, because I was studying. And later that day, I found photos of my diary cover in his phone. He said that he didn't read it and said he doesn't know himself why he did those photos. We had a huge conflict because of that, I was just angry and didn't understand what and why he did it. It just seems weird, that he just took those photos, because he had a chance to just read it, he was alone in my house for a long time, no one stopped him from that. So those photos just doesn't make sense to me. And neither to him, as he says.

~~
Before I started to date my boyfriend, my friend(she is friends with him too) told me to be aware that he has a lot of mental problems, like depression, and she mentioned that he was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. But that didn't change anything for me, so I just started to date him anyway. ( I trust my friend and I know she didn't lie and she just wanted to help me)
~~

I told this situation that happened yesterday about my diary to my friend. She thinks it may happened because his mental illness is affecting him again. Throughout all the time we dated he told me a lot of things about his mental health, but he never mentioned Schizophrenia. I tried to get to it, I was hoping he would say it to me, but he never did.

It's sounds like a mess, but I hope its understandable.

And I don't know what to do in this situation, because I just don't understand what is happening with my life right now.
No0ne
Junior Member
 
Posts: 46
Joined: Sun Jul 30, 2017 12:41 pm
Likes Received: 1


#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Sep 17, 2021 3:35 pm

No0ne wrote:And later that day, I found photos of my diary cover in his phone. He said that he didn't read it and said he doesn't know himself why he did those photos.


How did he find your diary?

How did he know it was your diary? It is labeled “NoOne’s Diary?”
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 11736
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 1228

#2

Postby No0ne » Fri Sep 17, 2021 9:21 pm

It wasnt hidden. He knows it was mine.
No0ne
Junior Member
 
Posts: 46
Joined: Sun Jul 30, 2017 12:41 pm
Likes Received: 1

#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Sep 17, 2021 9:40 pm

No0ne wrote:It wasnt hidden. He knows it was mine.


So he is not being truthful about why he took the pictures. He know’s why. I’ve got a pretty decent guess as to why, but that isn’t what is important. What is important is his deceit.

Again, he knows why he took the pictures, but he was caught off guard. He had no good explanation, so he lied to you. He didn’t want to tell you the truth.

It might seem like a small lie, but understandably it still erodes your trust.

And you are struggling to excuse his behavior. That is why you posted additional information about his mental conditions. These are ways to rationalize or justify his behavior as something other than deceit. But, you are in here posting, because even you know better. You know using his mental conditions to justify his dishonesty is a thin excuse.

How do you move forward?

Well, it’s not easy when someone has broken your trust. It takes time. First, you take steps to protect your privacy. This means not leaving your diary out and/or not leaving him alone at your place. And actually that is the option I would choose.

That would be my approach. I would be upfront and say, “It’s an issue of trust. I don’t believe that you don’t know why you took the pictures. I can’t trust you alone at my place.”

Move forward from there.
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 11736
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 1228

#4

Postby No0ne » Sat Sep 18, 2021 9:04 am

He was in my home alone many times, he could read it any time he wanted, It seems unlikely, that he would left those pictures, if he wanted to hide the fact that he read it. He never lied to me and he never did anything that would hurt me, so I believe he didn't read it. I just don't get the photos.

I don't think I can believe he read it.
No0ne
Junior Member
 
Posts: 46
Joined: Sun Jul 30, 2017 12:41 pm
Likes Received: 1

#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Sep 18, 2021 2:59 pm

No0ne wrote: He never lied to me…


Yes, he has.

Telling you that he has know idea why he took the pictures is a lie. You know it’s a lie. I know it’s a lie. He knows it’s a lie.
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 11736
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 1228

#6

Postby tokeless » Sat Sep 18, 2021 3:28 pm

No0ne wrote:He was in my home alone many times, he could read it any time he wanted, It seems unlikely, that he would left those pictures, if he wanted to hide the fact that he read it. He never lied to me and he never did anything that would hurt me, so I believe he didn't read it. I just don't get the photos.

I don't think I can believe he read it.


Some people can't admit what they have done and will deny, deny, deny. He never mentioned it to you before you found the pictures did he? He's lying to you and you are lying to yourself... both are protective because if he tells the truth he hurts you and maybe threatens the relationship. If you admit he's lied, you have to address it.
tokeless
Senior Member
 
Posts: 2619
Joined: Thu May 08, 2008 5:17 pm
Likes Received: 367

#7

Postby No0ne » Sat Sep 18, 2021 6:13 pm

He didn't say he didn't want to read it. He said he wanted, but never did. He is not stupid, he wouldn't left any proof, if he read it, he would have just deleted it.

Why have those photos of diary cover(not the inside), if you just read it. It doesn't make sense.
No0ne
Junior Member
 
Posts: 46
Joined: Sun Jul 30, 2017 12:41 pm
Likes Received: 1

#8

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Sep 18, 2021 6:53 pm

No0ne wrote:Why have those photos of diary cover(not the inside), if you just read it.


You are trying to turn his lies into a logic puzzle.

Why do people often get convicted of crimes? Because they didn’t do things exactly logical. They failed to commit the “logical” or “perfect crime”. It might seem stupid to leave evidence of a crime behind, but people do it all the time.

Why still have those photos?

Well, ask your boyfriend why. He knows why. But he doesn’t want to tell you. Luckily, he has a girlfriend willing to twist it all up into some “logical” explanation.

You think, “He left evidence on his phone. That’s illogical. Therefore, he did nothing wrong.”

You are not thinking logically. He had a reason to take pictures. He had a motive. He knows why, but like tokeless said, he doesn’t want to tell you the reason so he is dishonest as he says, “I don’t know.”

I’ll put out another theory. He did read at least some of your diary. He didn’t take a picture of what he read, because if caught with that picture it would be clear evidence that he had read your diary. But, he wanted a little reminder of what he read. He wanted a “keepsake” for the future, something that would jar his memory. Anytime he looks at that photo, it will remind him of what he read, what he learned. And years from now, he thinks, he might wish to pull out that information and tell you exactly where he got it from.

Am I right? Possibly. Am I wrong? Possibly. But I’m not naive enough to believe that your boyfriend acted logically. You caught him doing something he is not proud of and he was dishonest with you.
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 11736
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 1228

#9

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Sep 20, 2021 1:09 am

Here is an idea. He took a couple of pictures so he knew exactly how to return the diary to the same position. He read your diary and then used the pictures to make sure that the diary was in the same exact spot. That way, you would not suspect that anyone had touched your diary.

But, he didn’t count on you discovering the photos on his phone. It just didn’t occur to him.
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 11736
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 1228

#10

Postby Candid » Mon Sep 20, 2021 11:25 am

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:he didn’t count on you discovering the photos on his phone. It just didn’t occur to him.

Looks like they deserve each other.
Candid
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 9603
Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2010 10:00 am
Likes Received: 483

#11

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Sep 20, 2021 4:15 pm

Candid wrote:Looks like they deserve each other.


I don’t know. We don’t know how she discovered the photos. It doesn’t sound like she was snooping or going through his photos without permission. It sounds like he forgot the pictures were on his phone. He got caught.

My feeling, right or wrong, is that she is young and lacking life experience. She has a naive trust in human nature. Even though friends point out mental conditions, she dates him anyway. She is an optimist, so she explains away the negative. Everyone needs love, right?

She leaves her diary out in the open. Why? How is that logical? Again, a lack of life experience. It is a fundamental misunderstanding of human nature.
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 11736
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 1228

#12

Postby Livetowin » Wed Sep 22, 2021 3:40 pm

I would like to throw my two cents in here. First , you need to throw out that first statement regarding time on the shelf. If I had a dollar for every time my daughter foolishly described someone passing her 'sniff test' based on how long she's "known" them (either by attending the same schools or association with friends), I could have retired years ago. Knowing of someone is not knowing them personally, even through associations.

Second you need to quit dancing around the definition of what is bothering you. Clearly this guy took liberties he was not entitled to. Lets not get lost in the minutia of intentions. Having a photo of something like your personal journal is not a spur of the moment inclination that the average person would consider. It's a violation of your space and he has ZERO right to take those liberties. If there is some question about his mental capabilities to understand the basic rules of respecting a person's privacy, then you need to quickly reassess why you would let him roam your home, let alone date him.

And lastly, you already have an undercurrent of doubt because of what your friends told you about him. So there's an emotional/mental asterisk connected to him. The words of your friends are bouncing around in your head to find connective tissue to reason it all. So remember this. If you give him a pass for the same reason you created to date him, then these events will become more common until you eventually suffer enough indignations to wake up to the original instinct which was to move past this fella. The more you litigate the obvious, the more you build an irrational assessment to keep him.
Livetowin
Senior Member
 
Posts: 1016
Joined: Wed Feb 24, 2010 2:18 pm
Likes Received: 88



  • Similar Topics
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Return to Relationships