Is it mental illness or PAWS ?

Postby HankieNotOkie » Fri Nov 12, 2021 6:36 am

Hi everyone, so for context English is my second language so my writing might be inappropriate and I may rant a lot since my situation is a bit different from all other posts I have read.
For some basic info I'm 20 M, living in Vietnam, so I did have a history of anxiety disorder and started taking medications -antidepressants- stuffs like that at the start of age 18 and I decided to abruptly stop medications in July last year by switching to self-medicate with weed/marijuana in order to ease the antidepressants withdrawal, likewise my anxious mind. I first experience MJ in 17 by a 'magical' brownie my friend offered and then had a few more recreational times tried edible and smoking from bong and joints. When the cluster spiral of anxiety disorder hit when I'm 18 I kinda forgot about MJ, only taking medications, nervetheless still high-functioning and still manage to score wonderfully for university exam. So nearly at the end of age 18 and the whole age 19 I started doing THC catridges, with occasional flowers and periodic breaks. Things seem fine and I was able to feel balance, tranquility while still on medications, doing part time jobs and studied wholeheartedly. So in July last year I thought that huh maybe using MJ with microdoses might be the answer cause medications made my thinkings somewhat unclear. So yeah since then I used MJ but with relatively small doses like a thin joint and I smoked it for 4 or 5 days, setting up limits like only once a day or once every one or two weeks.
Things started to change at December last year when I got a new part-time job involving teaching English, the payment was good so I purchased a pipe and thinking that MJ is the solution for effective and quick thinking to almost any works that I was getting, including assignments from uni, theses, writing research papers, heck even teaching and grading my pupils in English seemed far more easier. I thought I had attain a miraculous enhancer for my brain, being more creative, godspeed in solving problems and talking way smoother like a very wise and humorous philosopher. My main field is Law, i dont know how it worked but after smoking MJ, I felt that I could read materials and still absorbed, maintained all the information in my head, reasoning and applying the law like an artist painting an art within a very short amount of time. I was feeling as if I'm on the top, having the reaction time and intellect of a genius or some sort. However I increased my smoking tremendously, with the pipe it felt more cost-saving and the punch it packed was stronger with a relatively small amount of weed. From smoking once a day I came to 3 or 4 times a day, 5g a week, even smoked it and came to classes, still manage to answer questions correctly.
Well but the high must come with the low. In August this year my country initiated a mandatory Covid lockdown for the whole region, no going outside unless you have special passport, rations for each household were given by the goverment and military. And yeah no more meeting with my dealer. So i thought that I should take a break from all work relax in August since no more weed and I felt that my workload before was kinda exhausting, uni would start in September so yeah I deserved some break. It all went down from there, I started having anxiety, irritation and a sense of worthlessness, now I think it might be depression, like I intended to learn music production, gaming and stuffs, but everyday passed and I felt unmotivated, unable to choose what to do and started to feel that my future seems doom like I should do something to earn money and felt restlessness everyday, anxious about everything.
It was worse from September when online studying started, I felt that I couldn't think like my cognition was severely impaired, can't even read books or hear lectures. Since then till now I felt as if my intellect is gone, thinking is way more slow, everyday felt like hell, I did get to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and depression mix, like feeling that I couldn't function at all. Its now 4 month after the last time I used weed and seeing all the magnificent things I was able to do is gone, first I didnt think its PAWS but might be cognitive impairments from depression, now I really dont know anymore. I used to be talkative, creative, now my speech is stutter and weird and I even forget words in both Vietnamese and English. Got panic attacks, anxious all the time and a sense of hopelessness for the future. Like I had many plans after the lockdown lifts but now I cant do anything at all, feeling like I have stagnated, can't comprehend words in books, terms that I used very frequently now seems unfamiliar, cant think of things or write like before, time seems moving so fast and everyday I just feel that I cant get out of bed. Been oversleeping from September and waking up in sleep like multiple times. I just decided to quit the antidepressants that I've been drinking for 3 weeks so it must contribute more to this chronic fatigue and confusion. Been having pressure in head and behind the eye holes, having headache everytime I try to read or study, hell solving my once easy legal problem seems impossible now. I desperately need some advice now and for all of this may be time is the largest healer right ? Is it because I push my brain beyond its limit and now is the karma I have to face ? :(
Thanks for reading through this messy story.
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Postby Thomas604 » Mon Dec 27, 2021 6:21 pm

That is one big text, and with your experience in "assignments from uni, theses, writing research papers, heck even teaching and grading my pupils in English" I find it very strange you don't create paragraphs to make this text more readable?

You quit weed, start having anxiety and depression and get antidepressants. Yet you quit this medication after 3 weeks, which makes u feel even more bad, WHY?
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Postby biohack9 » Tue Dec 28, 2021 1:59 am

It's withdrawal/PAWS. I'm at 4 months and going through the same crap.

Quit the pharma pills.

Quit the drinking.

You answered your own question - TIME. And LOTS of it. Live as healthy lifestyle as you can and keep moving forward. I know it sucks.
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