Have I become delusional?

Postby Wulf » Mon Jan 24, 2022 10:49 am

My wife and I married in February of 2009. At the end of 2009 I discovered her flirting with my married “friend”, who were also my best man at our wedding. Turns out that he and his wife were swingers and didn’t see anything wrong with it. She promised me that nothing had happened between them, but I always had the nagging feeling that was a huge fat lie. I decided to give my wife another chance- against my better judgement. She worked at his wife’s business and although I hoped that she would resign, she never did until months after. On occasion she would also inform me that she would go shopping with the wife during lunch, but where did they really go?

She got another job and in 2012 I caught her texting some of her old male friends, which she claims she was platonic with, suddenly showing interest in their lives. Afterwards I found pictures with messages such as “There is this boy that I really like” and “You want to know who I love? Read the first word again”. Then about two months later it was stuff like “Rejected” and love disappointment messages. Shortly afterwards she was constantly having migraines and consequently lost her job. It certainly wasn’t sent to me, and she later claimed that she downloaded friends’ Whatsapp statuses. Why? That doesn’t make sense other than that she intended to send it to someone?

Once, a couple who came over to visit, commented how the other woman would like to experience “a little lesbian action” when about to leave. I told them to go home while my wife stayed quiet, I suspect anticipating my answer. I was out of town shortly after and my wife informed me that she was going to watch a movie with the other lady at their house. She also told them stuff I told her about them, behind my back. This despite me explicitly asking her not to go.

One of my male colleagues once in 2014/15 remarked about an issue at “someone’s” house he’s been to and how easy it would be to fix. He and my wife chatted at a year end function at work a few months prior. We had that exact issue at our home and it is not that common. I brushed it off as a coincidence but always felt uneasy about it.

Our relationship has become more stable since as we settled down with our two kids. I am the breadwinner with her being a stay-at-home mom. I love our kids to death and can’t see them growing up in a broken home, I want to be there for them and see them daily.

I never really delved into my feelings as I numbed myself from any emotions and guess I lived in autopilot for the better part of the last decade. I would have the odd outburst, but never understood why. I have become not only withdrawn from her but from other people as well as I now understand, was a protection mechanism to protect myself. I have no friends, trust no-one anymore and I feel empty. I can’t talk to her anymore because what is the use of telling and confiding in someone, I can’t trust to keep my thoughts, feelings, and insecurities between us. She is now blaming me for being withdrawn, but guess who’s fault it is?

I recently had a trigger coming across the pictures mentioned above. When confronted she would get angry, denying everything and will be saying stuff like she doesn’t remember things like I do or that I am making stuff up. She also claims that it is all in my head and I see only what I want to see, and all blame gets passed back to me. She said I am destroying everything we had going in our relationship the past few years.

Not once did I even get a sincere apology for the affair with my friend. If she still can’t be honest with me, who did I marry, and what is the use? Why did I stay and how must I trust her ever again? Did she ever care about me or am I just convenient? I am a shell of the loving, devoted partner I once was. What do I need to do to change? I am willing to put in the work and try to change my attitude but can’t do it with a selfish partner who I doubt ever really cared about, or had any respect for me.
Am I being delusional?
Wulf
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Jan 24, 2022 3:01 pm

Wulf wrote:Not once did I even get a sincere apology for the affair with my friend.


Based on what you wrote, you have a recurring "feeling" that she has been unfaithful. Everything you wrote was speculation, right? Do you actually know she has been unfaithful?
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#2

Postby Wulf » Mon Jan 24, 2022 3:57 pm

I saw the messages between them. Them planning to meet up the following day, him sending her links to swinger websites. Him making fun of me behind my back and sending her messages laden with sexual content. I had my suspicions beforehand and confronted her but she kept on denying it until I showed her the cold hard evidence.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Jan 24, 2022 4:41 pm

So "cold hard evidence" is not delusion.

If I'm in your situation, I'm 100% in charge. While a marriage is about a partnership, that partnership ceased to exist the moment she made the decision to violate one of the most fundamental tenants. I file for divorce and for 100% custody. She can stay in a spare bedroom or leave the home. Her choice.

The question, why have you not filed for divorce? Don't use the kids as an excuse. You can file for divorce and at the same time can grant her the courtesy, the privilege of living under the same roof.

Now, the reason you have not taken the above action is because there is more to the story. From what you wrote, the marriage has never been an equal partnership. She has been in charge of the relationship since day one, since before the wedding day. And even though she has been unfaithful, she is still in charge of the relationship. And given she is in charge, this limits your options.
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