Help !! Help !! Help !!

Postby BSG75 » Tue Mar 27, 2007 1:58 pm

Hi All. I have been married 12 years - I got married REALLY young, and have never really been happy. My wife stabbed me in the chest with a Knife before we got married, and the truth is we shouldn't have gone through with it.

But we did.............muddled along......constant rows...........constant unhappiness......and have three REALLY GREAT kids, who I absolutely adore and worship to bits.

But about a year ago I met a really great girl from India, told my Wife up-front, moved out, and for the first couple of months this new girl and I got on great.

But then her Sister came over..............and I suddenly became aware of the vast cultural gulf that existed between us. Because I was only separated, I wasn't "allowed" to go to her Indian Social circle functions, and had to hide away...............while another man drove her off into the night. That kind of stuff.

Plus I wasn't confident she would be a good step-mother. After the first rocky meeting, she refused to talk to my middle son on the phone one time. All-told, in 5 months she met my kids for 3 hours.

So I have drifted back to my Wife. Not a conscious decision, it just sort of happened. There was just too much going on..............juggling seeing her, the kids, sorting a divorce. Plus she once had a drunkedn one-night stand wiyth a bloke I work with (and didn't like very much to start off with anyway.) It actually got me into a bit of trouble at work.

I know I should cut all ties with this girl.............carry on muddling along with my Wife as best I can...........but it is so hard.........

Help !!
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#1

Postby BSG75 » Wed Mar 28, 2007 11:25 am

Please help. I am so confused, I don't know what to do. I dislike my Wife intensely..............but I adore my kids. Absolutely adore them. I tried only seeing them every couple of weeks, and I couldn't do it. I need to see them every day, hold them, hug them, tell them stories, read with them, tell them about the world, explain stories on the news.

But had a blazing row for an hour with my Wife this morning. In front of the kids. Not good.

I am so unhappy. I live 70 miles from my work, and I have NO FRIENDS at all locally. My Sister hates my wife, so she gave up on me years ago.

I am lonely........helpless..........confused.

Please help.
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#2

Postby Jonny Boy » Wed Mar 28, 2007 11:44 am

What a tough place to be!
I'll give you some things to consider.
Why do you feel you need to be in a relationship at all? You don't need to go back to your wife because your previous relationship failed. It would seem foolhardy if you dislike her so intensely, as you say. Perhaps you just need your own space for a while to regain your strength? This may help you get some more control of your life and feel less confused. Is access to your children a problem if you do this?
Have you tried contacting your sister to ask for her support? Is this an option if you are not with your wife?
Think about the options you have before you. Understanding and choosing clearly with stop you feeling so helpless. If you feel you cannot do this own your own perhaps counselling would help you? This is really what it is about - gaining clarity and control. Empowering you to make some beneficial choices.
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#3

Postby dhjjessel » Wed Mar 28, 2007 11:49 am

i am not a guru on relationships, but i think it is pretty standard that when you get married very young, your other half becomes such a huge part of your life, your sense of security and your personality that even when things aren't going well, you're always bound to seek refuge with him/her. i think you need to take some time and be on your own, find out what its like to be "me", as it has been "me and her" for so long, if you know what i mean
you won't be ready to be with someone until you can be with yourself
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#4

Postby thefool » Wed Mar 28, 2007 3:01 pm

Great... :shock:

You don't need to leave the indian girl... you need to give her your wallet, beg her not to follow you and then steal the first fast car you can get your hands on and blast off into a direction you feel most confident she wont be able to follow you... (please don't actually do that :lol: )

You don't need to muddle along with your wife... You need to tell her you are leaving, you don't know where to yet, and to what life, but one thing is for sure... the place and life you are in can't suffice.

You don't need to see your kids every couple of weeks. You can see them every week and perhaps after school. This is called visitation rights and you have them just like any other father. While your chances of gaining custody as a male are small, you could still have a stab at it, but unless you can find some dirt on your wife i would say the chances are microscopic.

But you'll be happier, so will your kids and perhaps even your wife.

Trust me when i say this...

A divorce does not destroy a child in the middle of it. What DOES destroy the child is when the parents are unhappy and start getting into bad situations after the divorce.

My parents got divorced at an age where i was just becoming a teenager. They had a really crappy marriage and basically had the type of relationship where they loved each other, but hated each other at the same time.

When my parents got divorced i was actually HAPPY about that. I was happy because i thought that the drama in my home was finally over and my parents would finally go on with their lives and stop being unhappy and mean to each other. I knew i would have to choose whom i wanted to live with. I decided i'd live with my dad a couple months, and visit my mom regularly, and then live with my mom a couple months and visit my dad regularly. Seemed like the best option. My dad was a wreck, so i decided it would be best if i lived with my mother for a while at first.

Everything seemed to go swell. Mom seemed happier, and dad seemed 'ok' whenever i visited him. The important part, for me, was that there was no drama in my home.

But it didn't last long. Mom got into a bad situation (new boyfriend who sucked very badly), got depressed, dad was still depressed. I had nowhere to go so it was back to the drama.

Seeing as i had no real option to escape the drama, i figured i might aswell see which parent would need MY help the most, and live with him/her. It turned out to be my father at first, and then when he got better, i got a call from my mother asking to see me and my dad because she was at her wits and energies end and see needed to see the people she cared about.

We did go to see her, i just sat with my mother and held her hand, she just cried, and my dad sat back with a whole bag of mixed feelings about everything. It was then i decided my mother needed me more.. so i went to live with her. And i was right because it didn't take long before 'bad' turned into 'worse'.

From this point on my life... and my happiness was pretty much destroyed in an epic way.

Why? Not because my parents got divorced, or because the responsibility to choose who i was going to live with and who i was going to visit. I could deal with that, it was a simple matter of seeing my parents whenever i wanted to and accepting the fact i couldn't just go into the living room anymore to accomplish that. I'd have to get on the bus, or have someone taxi me over... big deal!!

My life was destroyed because i not only lost my family, i lost BOTH my parents for several years to come. They never actually left, they just couldn't be there for me anymore because they had personal issues... so i just raised myself from that point on and tried to help my parents in any way i could... but being a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on.. whatever was needed.

Divorces don't destroy children... the wrecked parents after a divorce destroy children, and it's 'ok' as long as there is one parent who can keep it together, but if both fly off the handle... it's a disaster.

So ask yourself...

What's best for your kids? And what's best for you? You aren't happy in your marriage, which leads me to believe you'd be happier outside of it.

Are your kids happy? Do you think they will continue to be happy in your crappy marriage? Do you need to see them every day because that's what you need or because that's what they need?
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#5

Postby BSG75 » Thu Mar 29, 2007 6:51 am

Thanks for all the advice.

That is a good way of summarising the rlationship with my Wife - "I Love her, but I hate her." She is a very attractive girl. And she has some very nice ways. But she had REALLY BAD post-natal depression, and I know it wasn't her fault........but she turned into a monster.

She spent a year travelling around with a complete set of baby kit in the boot of the car - travel cot, nappies, milk, bottles, the works. Every day for a year, if ever I tried to assert myself, she would say she would take the kids to Ireland and I would never see them again.

She once interrogated me for half an hour about a receipt she found for a bar of chocolate. WHy did I buy it ? who was it for ? WHy didn't I consult her ? why didn't she get any ?

You are right. I need to see the kids every day for ME. I know it is selfish. I cannot stand the thought of another man spending more time with the kids than me.

I am also threatened with redundancy every day........have been for about 5 years (outsourcing).......and I stand NO CHANCE of getting another job. My therapist thinks my situation is so bad that I have no choice but to stay with my Wife.

What if I am living 70 miles away and i can't even afford to run a car to go see the kids ?

What if I am living in a crummy little 1-room council bedsit, and social services won't let me have the kids stay over ? I will have to see them in a Soicial services contact centre.

No thank you, not for me.

I have to make this work. Grit my teeth and drive on. don't I ?
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#6

Postby thefool » Thu Mar 29, 2007 6:28 pm

Yeah great...

Stick to what you got even if it's total crap. That would definitely be my advice to anyone looking to better their life. Do i need to say more or should i just give you a rope and show you the first tree with a branch strong enough to hold your weight?

Seriously... GET ANOTHER THERAPIST...

Either your wife is paying him to feed you whatever crap she wants you to hear... or he's a guy who doesn't take his own advice, which is largely limited to "breath slow and everything will be 'ok'"

Every possible problem has a solution. And every solution has a price... there is no possible way to improve without sacrifice. Now you could take this as it meaning that you'll have to pay a price to steep to get something barely worth it... or you could take this as meaning that sometimes we have to give up a little to gain a lot.

If you really think you need to see your kids EVERY DAY.... then you're in for a rough time. Soon as they start spreading their wings, they are going to be visiting 'the old man' once a week AT MOST... more likely they will pop in once a month or once every three weeks to have a coffee and some pastery, and then they'll drive back home.

So loosen the leash a bit already...

Redundancy?

What a load of crap man! If there is soemthing of which there is ALWAYS more of in the world, it's WORK... and the possibility to be paid for doing it! Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. People who can't get a job, are people who aren't trying hard enough, or being to picky on the job description.

What if this, what if that?

What if you stay with your wife and she poisons your kids minds into believing you're satan and they end up hating you and you flee to the bottle as a last resort and your wife, who has all the money, ends up taunting you with a bottle of rum and has you dancing around like a muppet in return for a sip or two?!

So here you are...

Asking how to change your life, yet at the first sign that you'd actually have to make an effort or some sacrifices you say "no thank you"...

What did you expect?!

Yes you ARE going to have to get a job... And yes, maybe it wont be the perfect job, and maybe it wont pay you 6 figures... maybe it'll be a dead end job paying you only enough to keep a modest car running, pay your rent and some bills.

But maybe it'll only be temporary until you learn a new set of job skills...

And yes, you ARE going to have to challenge your wife, and make sure she doesn't bleed you dry in court... Yes you will have to fight to keep what's yours, especially since you don't have a steady job.

And yes, maybe you're going to have to do some traveling, and pick your kids up on saturday to spend the day with them... and yes, you'll need a car for that.

Well big fuking deal man... :lol:

Hey look, it's your life... you're the one who has to live it, and you're the one who doesn't like it and wants to change it.

So now you got a choice... change and live the life you want to lead... or don't and stay in this life, just grit your teeth and drive on.
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#7

Postby BSG75 » Tue Apr 10, 2007 11:54 am

OK, well I'm back with the wife............trying to make it work............mainly for the kids.

But I miss my ex-girlfriend SO MUCH. It hurts. God, it hurts.

I got really drunk about 10 days ago. Ended up on her doorstep. She was out. Got hold, lonely. Sitting on my bum, thinking "what the hell are you doing, when you have a home with three GREAT kids." Shame those kids come with a mother you can't stand, but nothing in life is perfect. Is it ?

The problem is, I had sent my ex girlfriends loads of texts and voice mails saying what I was going to do. She wasn't answering, after a fight earlier in the day.

The next day, and for the next two days, she bombarded me with texts and voicemails, asking me if I was OK, did she want me to come and get her, stuff like that. She said the battery on her phone had died.

But something had broken inside of me. I don't know why, but I texted her saying that I now knew my destiny lay with my wife.

She flipped, and rang my Wife on her mobile, telling her how I don't love my wife (true), I'm only there for the kids (true), ho my Wife abuses me (true), and how I am a prisoner there (not strictly true.)

I sent my ex-girlfriend a "hi" text later in the week, and she reponded with another tirade to my Wife.

I really miss my ex-girlfriend. She was my best friend, my confidante, my soul-mate. My Wife is just the woman who happens to be the mother of my kids, and would "own" them if it ever came to a court of law.


Should I write my ex-girlfriend a letter, saying how much I miss her ?
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#8

Postby alexandra » Tue Apr 10, 2007 12:43 pm

think maybe you and your ex gf need a heart to heart talk about how you both feel and want? in person.. not on text, phone or letter.. just talk to her.. being sober and with a level head.. see what happens?
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#9

Postby favourite girl » Tue Apr 10, 2007 12:58 pm

I guess I must be missing something here. Isn't the wife being used? Is it ok to stay with her while wanting to be with the girlfriend. Gosh I would be pretty hostile if my husband was just using me as a second best option until the girlfriend makes up her mind or a better girlfriend turns up.

I think you should leave your wife and live on your own. Its really not fair to stay with someone you dislike..........What about giving her the chance of a happier life with someone else? Ask yourself honestly......Do you love your wife? If someone better turns up would you be willing to stay 'for the sake of the kids'? If the answer is 'No' then really you should leave otherwise you are just using her.

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#10

Postby BSG75 » Wed Apr 11, 2007 8:10 am

But aren't there millions of unhappy people around the world who stay together for the children, because it is the (morally) right thing to do ?
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#11

Postby BSG75 » Wed Apr 11, 2007 8:19 am

Oh God, I think I am having a panic attack. I really think I have done the wrong think. I can't breathe. I will never see her in the baby-pink wedding dress she had planned on getting. help
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#12

Postby thefool » Wed Apr 11, 2007 8:50 pm

Quit using the "for the sake of the kids", and the 'morally right thing to do" excuse man. The only reason you are back with your wife and plan on STAYING is because of YOU and YOUR needs and wants, not those of your kids, or moral standards.

You really think your kids are going to be served with a mother and father who hate each other as rolemodels? Get a grip...

I'm not going to waste anymore words on this, you know what your options are... and imho you are just to cowardly to face them... no offence.
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