Jazzz, the final

Postby jazzz » Sat May 16, 2009 6:34 am

Hi all,

Here I am, back again. Last year I have been writing here and stayed sober for about 6 months. I relapsed around christmas because I couldn't stand the depressions any more.
I know now what I did wrong, I have been smoking every day for a life time. Some years more addicted then other years, but the last 6 years I have been a pro! I only smoke after work to chill, but have no problems with 2-3 grams in an hour.

What did I do wrong? I quit and started to wait untill everything got back to normal and it didn't. Well it did but I wasn't prepared on what was coming, I had only one goal and that staying of the weed. Besides that my only joy was eating and I gained around 15 kg's of fat and got more lazy every day..

In the beginning of this year I decided to stop hurting myself and promised myself to do only do thisngs which I would enjoy. I went on a great trip to the south of america and started working out seriously. And most importanded I changed my dieet. Besides that I changed my work and became an analyst instead of a manager.

A program which helped me a lot is the personal power training from Anthony Robbins. He has got an interesting theory about gaining pleasure and avoiding pain which really motivated me to change my believes around eating, exercising and work.

I have lost more than 15 kg's of fat and love my new body and life style. Although jurplesman is annoying, he's eating theory has got a point because my dieet change gave me the motivation to go for my final detox which is starting today. I have created a diet and fitness program for the next three months in which I will lose my adiction to tobacco and cannabis.

My fitness program is based on programs like www.bodyforlife.com, www.iwantsixpackabs.com etc... There are a lot more and I followed my own 12-week program in which I lost my 15 kg's and gained the beginning of my 'fight club body'. I love the goal setting and they have very motivational pictures and video's.

So wish me luck or join me on my journey to my ultimate goal; balance in body, mind and spirit!

Jazzz
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#1

Postby cynthia84 » Sat May 16, 2009 1:57 pm

hey good luck jazzz! i like the idea of wanting to achieve the balance of mind, body, and soul as the end-goal. i have also found that quitting weed alone has not made my life suddenly better - although my biggest stumbling block has been removed. the real work begins after when you have to build yourself up again after having every aspect of it broken down by this addiction.

i'm curious to know about anthony robbins theory on pain and pleasure? also, what kind of fitness and diet plan did you follow exactly to lose that extra weight so fast? i go to the gym regularly but still like to indulge in my mom's home cooking which is not doing any favors to my overall health i'm sure lol. anyway good luck on your journey! looking forward to hearing how it goes =)

all the best
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#2

Postby jazzz » Sun May 17, 2009 7:09 am

Goodmorning!

Well this wasn't so hard, I stayed at a friends house who doesn't smoke, makes it much more easy. Of course I am more clear waking up, no craving for red bull one of my partner/combination addictions :D I'll be going for a swim first and after that a busy day, no thinking about weed :evil: :evil:

Thanks a lot for your reply Cynthia! The pain/pleasure theory is based on the motivations of human behaviour; gaining pleasure and avoiding pain. I know I am smoking to avoid pain. The pain of boredom, pain from things which happened to me in the past, pain of not being able to accept reality, maybe the biggest one; pain of procrastinating my real ambitions etc. On the other side there is there is my fear of changing; will I get emotional, depressed, scared, bored, lonely etc.
Smoking weed also gave me pleasure; a lot of relaxing times, enjoying life from a bubble, looking around and smiling about all those stressed 'perfect' people. I have been clean for a few years during my 20 years of addiction and during those periods I had a lot of pleasure, I connected to myself and others and experienced beautiful real feelings and achieved ambitions without being aware of it because I was living on my feelings.
So, hard to explain in a few lines but my motivation to quit is the result of above. Which pain is worse; being tired, not in real contact with myseff and my beloved ones, not archiving what I really want, thinking every day that I should change or the pain of saying goodbye to a life style of escapism.

Then my diet, it is really simple:
- No sugar or others sweetness
- 6 small meals a day. Starting big in the morning and finish small in the evening.
- No eating after 8 in the evening
- 3 protein shakes a day
- 2 litres of water a day at least
- brow rice, lots of vegetables (no max to that), every day but not too much fruit (sugars), steak, salmon, tuna and of course a lot of chicken. The size of your meat should never be bigger than the palm of your hand.

And of course exercising:
- 6 times a week to the gym. 3 times cardio and 3 times strength. I train one hour a day.
- Pilates every other day in the morning.

I did this for three months a lost more then 15 kg's of fat and gained a lot of muscle which makes me feel, look and act much much much fit. 3 months ago I had one favorite clothing item; jogging pants. Now I fit all of my clothes again!

Of course I combined it with a few big joints to celebrate every day I managed to hold on and that is starting to feel like self destruction :oops:. Now I am starting my next 3 months with a focus on condition and flexability.

Hope everybody is doing fine, I am off for a swim, take care!

Jazzz
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#3

Postby jazzz » Tue May 19, 2009 5:10 am

Goodmorning all,

Day 3 allready, yesterday went very well. Busy day at work, got a lot done,, work out in the evening and after that I was so tired.... Yesterday I had a strange feeling, things that have been bothering me for years with ucontrolled anger; I want to give up. It is becoming so clear to me that being angry isn't giving me anything back but extra pain, I think I have to give up. Forgiving is a little step to far for me but I am so tired of fighting and not getting getting anything back.


A few weeks ago I was looking for tattoo artists and I found a poem which one of them published on his site, it touched me:

Anyway

People are unreasonable, illogical an self centered,
Love them anyway...

If you do good,
People will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives,
Do good anyway...

If you are successful...
You win false friends and true enemies
Succeed anyway...

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow,
Do good anyway...

Honesty an frankness make you vulnerable,
Be honest and frank anyway...

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight,
Build anyway...

People really need help, but may attack you if you help them
Help people anyway...

Give the world the best you have and you will get kicked in the teeth,
Give the world the best you have got...

ANYWAY
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#4

Postby pleaseforgiveme » Tue May 19, 2009 6:33 am

It's hard to get off the ride once on, But every ride has a destination and we will be free and have a new beginning.
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#5

Postby oldhabits » Tue May 19, 2009 8:23 am

"The size of your meat should never be bigger than the palm of your hand".
I am ashamed I laughed at that line, clearly I have been watching too much British comedy....!

Good going on three days! As you know, the first few days is often the hardest hump to get over. (another bad double entendre...sorry!)
I also found Jurplesmans posts annoying, but then I realised he wasnt selling anything and took the time to read his material and found it quite useful. His book is free to read online which is nice. Obviously it makes sense to look at diet and the role it plays in healthy brain activity. I am not totally into the reductionist viewpoint that he has in general ( he believes the subconscious mind is a myth, emotions are just chemical reactions etc). But like everything, you take what is useful.

Funny I also listened to some of Personal Power leading up to my quit and his talk on pain/pleasure motivation also hit home. I actually think that is exactly what allowed me to succeed this time. I really got to the point where the pain associated with smoking became worse than the pain associated with giving it up. I just got to a point in my life where I could not STAND the idea of continuing this habit. It was just simply costing me too much. I had huge bursts of anger in the first few days, but unlike every other time, this anger did not take me back to smoking. It just made me more determined to do it.

I wish you the best on this new phase of your life. Keep at it, its so worth it, in the last three weeks, I have experienced a feeling I havent had for along time...self respect. All the best for now.
Last edited by oldhabits on Tue May 19, 2009 8:27 am, edited 1 time in total.
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#6

Postby oldhabits » Tue May 19, 2009 8:26 am

By the way is the name of your thread a reference to the eighties pop legends, WHAM?? Oh dude....
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#7

Postby jazzz » Wed May 20, 2009 11:32 am

Thanks guys,

Nice to hear about your experience with the personal power cd's. And please laugh, most important thing in life!

Yesterday was a litter more though, I stayed in the sauna (is sauna an english word?) all evening feeling ultimate relaxed. I dont know what was happening but a lot of beautiful woman came up to me and started talking and I got little nervous about all the nakedness around me. Lucky for the cold ice bath which helped me control my physical reactions...

At midnight I was going home and was still wondering about all the attention I got and was dreaming about finishing the day with a BIG celebration joint, my old pattern...but I didn't and am so happy today. The sun is shining in Holland, walked on the beach this morning and life is beautiful!

Take care and be who you want to be!

Jazzz
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#8

Postby jb_2008 » Wed May 20, 2009 2:34 pm

Welcome back to the forum, jazz. And congrats on your life changes. Losing weight and getting sober can be pretty awesome.
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#9

Postby uk_missy » Thu May 21, 2009 6:17 pm

Hi remember me ?

I am back off the wagon unfortunately . Life is very hard for me at the moment . I did get your mails, but I ignored them as I didn't want to say I had quit quitting .

Hope you're doing better than me .

Love as always

Missy
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#10

Postby mountain warrior » Thu May 21, 2009 9:52 pm

Hi Jazz, been following your thread, maybe this time you´ll get it done. I tryly hope so.

Full support....eventhough, like missy, life is hard at the moment.

Today i went to the dealer an bought a bag of regular for my mother who´s also an addict, and she hides her addcition claiming weed is the only thing that cures her pains. Anyway we were there in the dealers place chatting and i was saying i miss the old days of the primo export mexican weed, best i ever smoked, and this dude out of nowhere starts telling me that i don´t know sh**, and that that weed i miss was not comparable to nowdays hydro, well, not to me, it really turned me on, freaking punk donkey kid, we were this close to fighting. I had to run because i was in the verge of exploding.

Like, it´s been said a million times but really i´m so tired of this sht, tired of dealers, sick of being a slave, sick of being dependant, procastrinanting my god given gifts, sick of being alone, sick of looking like a goat, sick of having a lowered sex drive, just tired of being tired. Like someine mentioned: I suffer more smoking than struggling to live clean.

And lately only hydro weed gets me satisfactory numb, which is hard 2 get, regular weed is just not satisfactory any more, i can really go without it, it´s only the hydro, and the homegrown that kill me, i am a living contradiction, but i have the desire to quit this once and for all, yes!!! i am just a chicken and don´t have the balls to pull it through (but things can change).
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#11

Postby WeedKillsDreams » Fri May 22, 2009 12:05 am

Yeah I feel yr pain just reading your post. Some dealers are good people but I do hate the effort of scoring and having to deal with assholes when I'm desperate. I'm happy to say I've been totally clean for about a week now so God willing the worst is over and someday soon I'll be free of this--coming here strengthens my resolve to get this crap out of my life for good. I don't pretend I'll never smoke again but I have every desire to never buy again, at least not from an illegal source.

I don't have good things to say about hydro either--sure the high is 10 times better than swag but in many ways it's worse than swag because of what it does to my life. Whenever I bought an 1/8 of dro, it always started off fairly innocently but by the time I was finished with the bag I was totally addicted--a worthless drone procrastinating on everything every damn time. Bottom line is the sh** is too damn good--my mind gets used to being stoned and this is a terrible habit to get into. Today's weed is stronger and more habit forming than baby boomer weed--popular culture hasn't quite caught up with this fact yet.

At this point of my life I hate the reefer. Everything I thought was 'good' about it seems like a stupid illusion in the light of sobriety.
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#12

Postby oldhabits » Fri May 22, 2009 3:07 am

I would like to just say I reallydo think hydro skunk is much more habit forming. I began smoking very heavily when I grew it with my sister ages 17-20. We had seed stock from Amsterdam Cannabis Cup, we had pot like no one else had. Then I moved away for seven years. During that whole time I mostly had access to outdoor pot, or generally much weaker pot, nothing like this Amsterdam stuff. Those seven years marked a significant reduction in how much I smoked and how much I felt I needed it. I still was a pothead, but it didnt have quite the impact on my mind/ life. Since moving BACK to my hometown two years ago and having access to pretty much the same pot I did all those years ago, I have started having the same problems I did then. Full on dependence, full on side effects, the whole bit. Much much bigger impact on my personality, my ability to do ANYTHING, my levels of depression etc.
I remember the first day I moved back two yrs ago and smoked some of this hardcore hydro again. My eyes puffed up and I feel asleep. I had not had that effect from pot in years. Its a problem. I wish people would realise this, the kids are all smoking this stuff now and having real issues.
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#13

Postby jazzz » Fri May 22, 2009 6:17 am

So good to hear from you, my dearest uncommon forum friends! Sorry to hear about your struggles, but hey; yesterday is gone and now is hear.

(just read your threadand changed my (happy)questions to you, beautiful Missy, i'll come back in a few days.. wishing you all strength with your loss)

How was your mountainbike trip MW?

After today I'll be clean for 1 week! Its very strange. My body is allright, spirit is ok but my mind is in such a mess. Scary emotions come and go and I'll just try to stay calm, no worries.....

On the other hand I am more clear, calm and stable then before. Keeping my focus on heath I am very happy and only at the beginning. Did a run last night I was impressed of myself; Keep that feeling!

I am in rush this morning and will not be back untill saturday evening, but like to hear more about how you guys are doing!

The summer is starting in Amsterdam, tomorrow I planned my first beach day of the year, without smoking! Off to work now, already late again....

Take care everyone, much love!
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#14

Postby jazzz » Sun May 24, 2009 10:15 am

I f***ed up, god damn... The summer is starting here in Amsterdam and I couldn't refuse the smoke on the beach... In the evening I'll be going to a concert of Toots and the Maytels so I do not think I'll survive the night sober :oops: :oops:

On the other hand, I haven't been happier in months. Feeling fit, did my swimming this morning and layed in the sun for two hours after my training. Tomorrow will be day one again, only a week delayed :oops: :oops:

Cheers and I hope the sun is shining with you too, life is great!

Good old Toots, just a few more hours, cannot wait:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSCRZvjtpIo&feature=related
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