I'm confused.....

Postby drappedup » Mon Jan 18, 2010 6:49 am

Okay, so I need a third and completely unbiased opinion because I'm unable to stop thinking. I'm going to be 100% honest with everything because I'm not sure how bad it'll look, and I'm interested to get the full list of it all out in visual words. Basically, I'm not sure what is going on. I'm uncomfortable all of the time. I take diet pills (I've tried many over the last 3 years, just various ones like hoodia, clen which is apparently "dangerous", etc.). I eat anywhere from 100 to 500 cals a day. I do exercise, but usually no more than 5 days. I'd like to point out, though, I am NOT underweight, not for my [short] height. I do use laxatives to monitor myself sometimes when I feel hefty, like tonight, which was the first night I've gone over 1000 cals in over 3 weeks. Sometimes I am dizzy and sometimes I feel weary and cannot sleep. I usually choose to eat alone in my room before/after my work day because I don't like being with food around others. I've lost 15 lbs within the last 2 weeks, and I reached my original goal I decided I was going to lose on my Jan 1st New Year Resolution, but it doesn't feel like I've reached it afterall. I'm just not happy with it. I am a regular user of a pro-thin website forum, and have been for some time now. Today to eat I had half a plate of pasta alfredo and arizona iced tea. I'm paranoid of backtracking, and again, will be taking laxatives shortly because of it, just to aid.

I can recognize when someone is doing things that are wrong or abnormal, but somehow when I look at this my first thought is, I do not see anything wrong or different about any of it, really, at all. Then I do rationally force myself to question if I am somehow just not viewing this all properly, especially when I see tv specials about eating problems and almost everything they're preaching against, I do. Still, I don't feel like it's any sort of issue. I have read a lot about people with food disorders and problems and their symptoms and everything, and I can relate to much of it, but I am not that person. I'm one of the most 'boring' people I know. I'm the most normal sibling of my brothers and my sister. It just doesn't make sense to me?

So basically I want to see what a third POV thinks. Please be 100% blunt and truthful? Am I just not making sense?
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#1

Postby Triarius » Mon Jan 18, 2010 1:38 pm

Here's what's wrong with your plan:

1) Many herbs have unintended side effects - including anxiety and insomnia

2) While calorie restricted diets are proven to help you live longer, less then 500 calories daily is what you would call "famine conditions". Your body starts to produce stress hormones which actually make you retain more food - and destroy your body because it will start to metabolize itself.

3) Chronic use of laxatives DESTROYS your GI tract.

~~~

I know that pointing these things out will probably not help you because you clearly have a very powerful belief that you NEED to be thinner. You should address your insecurities and erroneous beliefs and then you will no longer be concerned about starving yourself.
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#2

Postby drappedup » Tue Jan 19, 2010 4:41 am

I don't feel like there's anything to address, though, because I fully recognize stuff.. I have had a bad/conflicting relationship with eating since I was 11, only it's gone from one extreme to another and so forth. I am very well aware I'm completely miserable in my day-to-day life, and it will not go away until I make it go away, which is what I'm doing.
Last edited by drappedup on Tue Jan 19, 2010 4:58 am, edited 1 time in total.
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#3

Postby drappedup » Tue Jan 19, 2010 4:55 am

Honestly, though, I don't know why I registered/posted this thread other than to see someone tell me certain habits are "bad" for me, which I guess I already, rationally, know and did know. I just wanted confirmation that it's abnormal, I guess. I have had time to think and I know it's what makes sense for ME. I'm my own person who is more than completely capable of judging my actions. That simple, really, and I'm glad I've reaffirmed all of this. I was having a moment of panic yesterday because I messed up.
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#4

Postby Joobles » Fri Jan 22, 2010 10:57 am

Like you say, you are well aware that your eating habits are not normal. Therefore there is no point in me rambling on at you about how you shouldn't do this or that, because you already know. What I will do, however, is tell you about something that happened which had a huge impact on my life.

We adopted a little girl whose parents both died. The mothers eating habits were not normal, she didn't eat enough. She died of heart failure. You will probably have heard that when you are taking in insufficient calories your body uses the energy in muscle tissue faster than it does fat. What's the heart? It's the most important muscle in your body. Her body started to burn off her muscles, heart included. Game over. And she left behind a little girl, 3 years old, with eating issues of her own. Pretty horrific, isn't it.

I'm not trying to scaremonger. I'm trying to point out that you could be doing damage to yourself that you are completely unaware of. Clearing up the mess left after something like that happens is awful. I know, I've done it. I am still doing it. And it makes me furious to think that it didn't need to happen.
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#5

Postby drappedup » Tue Jan 26, 2010 7:34 am

i'm very sorry for your loss, joobles. that's awful, and i know how emptying it is to lose someone. i honestly am sorry. :(

but, frankly, i don't really see how i'm doing permananet damage. i think that's overreacting. i am able to go to work, go to the gym, and function for the rest of my day off of no more than 500 calories. i don't even think my stomach could handle more food if i wanted to. i'm satisfied with what i allow now. i feel fine. i actually think i feel better NOW than when i was using food as a crutch for stuff. i just never want to be that way again.
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#6

Postby Joobles » Tue Jan 26, 2010 7:10 pm

She went to work and functioned normally too. Until the day she collapsed, was kept on intensive care for a week (whilst they did tests that revealed the state of her heart and other organs) before turning the machine off.

But if you don't see how you could possibly be doing yourself damage eating no more than 500 calories a day, then clearly I'm not going to change your opinion. And I'm not going to waste my time trying.

It's your life.
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#7

Postby Triarius » Tue Jan 26, 2010 9:25 pm

@drapped - do you really feel "fine" or do you believe that you feel fine? It's true that some people are more resistant to famine conditions, such as 500 calories per day. However, medically speaking, anything less than about 800 calories per day is considered dangerous in the long run.

What you believe to be true about yourself and the world is obviously skewing your actual perceptions.

Why are you so obsessed with food intake anyways?
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#8

Postby drappedup » Wed Jan 27, 2010 6:44 am

Joobles wrote:She went to work and functioned normally too. Until the day she collapsed, was kept on intensive care for a week (whilst they did tests that revealed the state of her heart and other organs) before turning the machine off.

But if you don't see how you could possibly be doing yourself damage eating no more than 500 calories a day, then clearly I'm not going to change your opinion. And I'm not going to waste my time trying.

It's your life.


i'm doing damage no matter what. i feel worse when i eat, so it really just seems like a lesser of two evils.
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#9

Postby drappedup » Wed Jan 27, 2010 6:57 am

Triarius wrote:@drapped - do you really feel "fine" or do you believe that you feel fine? It's true that some people are more resistant to famine conditions, such as 500 calories per day. However, medically speaking, anything less than about 800 calories per day is considered dangerous in the long run.

What you believe to be true about yourself and the world is obviously skewing your actual perceptions.

Why are you so obsessed with food intake anyways?


well, if i am telling myself i just wouldn't know. i know that what i feel like feels fine. but i'm so used to it by now. i do get headaches and lightheaded or my feet tingle or i just don't have energy, but it's nothing worse than how i used to feel.

i'm an emotional eater. i have been since i was 11 and then got worse when i was 16. the more awkward and miserable i feel, the more i eat or crave to eat. but i don't want to be that spineless person who can't even have the willpower to say no. i feel like if i'm going to be miserable no matter what, i want to be as small as i can be. something to take pride in.
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#10

Postby Triarius » Wed Jan 27, 2010 1:56 pm

The symptoms you listed probably mean that you have become anemic to some degree. By starving your body for so long, it has run out of basic resources to keep your blood healthy. The tingling feet comes from low oxygen, and the headaches probably come from low blood sugar.

You have convinced yourself that this is "fine" and you rationalize that belief with "Well it's better than I was before".

You have learned a perverse sort of self control, so what would be the problem with 1200 calories per day? Why do you believe that 500 is ideal?

The people of Okinawa, Japan have the longest lives and the lowest obesity rate and they eat 1200 calories per day.

Also, by ascribing yourself "an emotional eater" you say it like it's an unchangeable fact. It's just a habit. Break the habit and eat normally.

~~~

Lastly, you mention wanting the willpower to say "no" but you aren't working towards that. You are working on obsessive control. What you need to do is relax and let yourself eat whatever you want and LEARN impulse control as you go. Learn to express your emotions through other means than eating.
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#11

Postby briary » Wed Jan 27, 2010 2:10 pm

I have been reading your posts but so far haven't replied until now, but I feel I need to say something because I have been where you are now on more than one occasion. I suffer from an eating disorder and have been at both ends of the spectrum, from severely anorexic where I have been admitted to eating disorder units on two separate occasions, to bingeing and purging and being overweight at the other end, and despising and hating myself and feeling suicidal because I can't stand myself for being so pathetic and weakwilled, so I do understand what you are going through.

You asked at the beginning of this thread if what you are experiencing is normal and said you were confused. Based on my experiences I would be really concerned from what I have read that you do have an eating disorder, You may 'feel fine' eating only 500 calories. I have felt that way many times myself. I 'felt fine' eating only 100 calories or even nothing at some points, but it is the distress I felt when faced with eating more than that which gave away the fact that I did and still do have an eating disorder. I was and still am terrified of food.

drappedup wrote:i'm an emotional eater. i have been since i was 11 and then got worse when i was 16. the more awkward and miserable i feel, the more i eat or crave to eat. but i don't want to be that spineless person who can't even have the willpower to say no. i feel like if i'm going to be miserable no matter what, i want to be as small as i can be. something to take pride in.

I too feel this way. I feel 'good' when eating very little and losing weight, and very bad when eating more and when my weight is higher. My relationship with food and my body image is completely skewed. Somewhere in my rational mind I can recognise this, but still I am unable to actually do anything about it and the eating disorder rules my life still.

I disagree with anyone who says it is just a matter of changing habits because having an eating disorder is very serious and very difficult to treat and change. Wanting help and wanting to change is the first step and only you know if you are ready to take that step or not. If so then it is a long road to recovery. Of course it is possible with help and support, but I won't say it is easy because it's not.

You are not alone though and from someone who is going through it please recognise that what you are experiencing is an obsession with food and body weight which does amount to having an eating disorder and that is very serious indeed.

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