I don't know whats going on?? why do i feel this way?

Postby lastflower161 » Sun Sep 25, 2011 6:36 pm

I have lot on my mind, its very full, im trying to sort my life out, pick the right path, career choices and all. I get quite sad and stressed, having been stagnent for 1 year now, i needed the time to sort myself out, i was in a bad way, from uni, i needed a time out.

I had depression, i wanted to die, i self harmed and i cryed.. i was in so much pain inside, a dark hole, the walls were stained red, it was cold, it felt like i was being suffacated.. it was hell.

I think my life now is like a double wedged sword, i go left and get hurt and i go right and get hurt.. where the hell am i ment to go??, i want to belong, a just want to find my purpose.. i have a destiny too, i want to go, i need to find myself again, and i will die trying, with every ouns of my being. But i want to make the right dicision, this choice could change my life forever, its importamt. but that aside.

today, normal day, yet i was very stressed, a randomly went into a draw and found a sharp razor edged knife, i picked it put and held it, a rubbed and stroked the blade with my fingers.. and when i picked it put, everything was okay, i wasen't worried anymore, stressed or anything, it was silent, i felt conforted, safe and happy, i was looking at it with peace inside, as soon as i put it down, all my worries my stress came back with revgance and my head was full once again, so i picked it up again and it went.. why does a knife make my feel so good... so at peace.. its a beautiful feeling.. i don't understand myself. i am past that, i feel better now.. then why? even now i want to hold that knife again.. longing. whats going on??
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#1

Postby Severijn » Sun Sep 25, 2011 8:33 pm

Hello lastflower. I feel bad hearing how you are going through hell at the moment; I have been through a lot, too, in life, so I know where you are coming from. I'm in my first year of psychology school, but I have a hard time identifying your exact problem. I can't quite put my finger on it. I hope you'll allow me to ask you some questions, so I and maybe other posters can help you better.

First of all, it seems you are at an important crossroad in life. You have to make big choices, have to choose between carriers. There's a lot of stuff going on in your life. So first of all, I think you feel overwhelmed emotionally. This by itself can feel like a depression, but does not necessarily have to be (clinical) depression. How about you take a break for a couple of weeks doing and arranging things? Let go of the stress and tension. Rent a couple of good movies, take rest, eat nice food, and let the stress go.

You said you were in a dark hole, with red strained walls, and it was cold, like you were being suffocated. To me, this sounds like a psychosis, but I could be wrong. Again, you should really get some rest, and I highly recommend seeing a therapist or psychiatrist. Medicines here can help.

Thirdly, you talk about self-mutilation with a knife. My sister self harms herself too. I think my sister does this because she just hates herself, she loathes her own life, and wants to punish herself. But for you it's different I think. Is this obsession with a razor maybe a way that you think you can release the stress and inner tension? That by harming yourself the bad feelings will go away? Why do you think you must cut yourself?

So think about these THREE possible problems: 1. Feeling overwhelmed, mood swings or possible depression 2. A possible psychosis involving hallucinations, and possibly delusions?. And 3: your self-harming yourself and the reasons why you are doing this?

I hope this helps you sort out your problems. Please don't hesitate to ask questions or add your comments. I check this forum pretty regularly.

Take care and do the wise thing by seeking help. Going to this forum is a first step.
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#2

Postby lastflower161 » Mon Sep 26, 2011 3:44 pm

thanks for your comment "Severijn".

having a break would be nice, or trying to have one, but i can't aford to waste anymore time, i have spent a year getting myself to a resonable level to get back on track, there is no time, i must make this choice and i must make it soon, im starting to become lost, my thoughts seem to wave in and out, creating more stressful confusion, if i can't male this dicision i will be in limbo.

I did see someone from the NHS i was in a que to see a theripist but they messed me about, and made things worse, i put my trust in them and they betrayed me, they hurt me more.. and i don't think i wil lever beable to forgive them, in the end i never got to see a theripist and i went at it alone, and i have made myself better than i was alone. i would never take any medication, and still will never take any, my will, is my only control, anything that may bend my will, or make me feel different its un-natural.. i have never been one to take tables.. makes me feel uneasy, the hold subject.

i used to cut when i was hurting inside, things changed, right and wrong no longer had meaning, i felt dead inside, hallow, an emptyness. i had nothing left to give, so i self harmed to feel alive, i watched the blood drip and it soothed my broken heart, i also did it as punishment, 12 lashes, as a punishment, no mercy to myself for being stupid or making a mistake. i don't self harm anymore, but there have been times when i broke that rule, only beacuse i was angry and stressed, i like to keep the past in the past.

thats why i don't understand i should be better now, i should be stronger than i am, but i still don't have that much confidence and i felt yesterday with that knife something special.. but that shoulden't happen.. i know it isen't normal, but it made me feel so good.

i would like to talk to someone, beacuse sometimes i get sad, but i can talk to no one, beacuse what ever i say, will be taken by note, the career i want to do or am trying to dicide on which is best is strick with its medical and for me to get in, saying such things will not work in my favour, people talk.
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#3

Postby Severijn » Mon Sep 26, 2011 4:48 pm

Hi there again.

What did the therapist/therapists do to scare you/offend you like that?

Maybe it was just a one of a kind bad experience?
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#4

Postby lastflower161 » Mon Sep 26, 2011 9:57 pm

Hi,

I have had a few bad experinces with those that say they want to help, mostly calling me names, when im already feeling down first bad experince at uni, second of those that really don't give a crap, and constantly look at there watch to see when session is ended makes me real important!

But most of all, the NHS people crossed the line, i don't really want to talk about that, it wasen't a good experince for me and they were in the wrong and they know it. its a bit of a long story.
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#5

Postby jurplesman » Tue Sep 27, 2011 5:09 am

Try to treat yourself with psychonutritonal therapy. Study:

Depression is a Nutritional Disorder
Depression is a Disease of Energy Production
Silent Diseases and Mood Disorders
Conquering Anxiety, Depression and Fatigue Without Drugs - the Role of Hypoglycemia, by Prof. Joel H. Levitt
Drug Addiction is a Nutritional Disorder

The most common silent disease resulting in depression is hypoglycemia. Most people feel better if they adopt the Hypoglycemic Diet. However if problems persist I suggest you study: Silent Diseases and Mood Disorders and ask your doctor to be referred to a Nutritional Doctor, Clinical Nutritionist or a Nutritional Psychotherapist, for further tests and diagnosis and treatment.
Following nutritional treatment, a self-help psychotherapy course may often prove useful in overcoming any remaining "psychological" issues.

Please search our web site or INDEX more more information.
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#6

Postby Self Exploration » Tue Sep 27, 2011 5:38 am

There must be be hurt behind it.
And behind it love that has been trampled.
And intertwined there must be some sadness.
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#7

Postby lastflower161 » Tue Sep 27, 2011 9:50 pm

I do have Hypoglycemia, i sometimes get low blood suger, but i tend to deal with that quite well, but if i go for too long without i get snapply and alittle angry for some reason and also feel weak, i have fainted few times in past and have been close many times, but sometimes i just forget to eat, with too much on my mind.


I call what happened at uni, the black weekend, i have never been hurt so badly, i have never suffered like that before, its only beacuse im a stubborn bitch that im still here, the other me woulden't let me go, i gave up and was ready to go, but she woulden't let me, almost destroyed myself, such corruption.

On that night, i died inside, something inside was ripped and burned.
I will never forget, not ever, beacuse i remember everything, i can see it all in my mind. Deep down, it still hurts still. I think fom time to time that maybe i had my chance, that i was ment to die and thats wny my life is so mixed up, and stressful..


I know i can do more, i can be stronger, thats why my goals are so high, beacuse if i can't meet them, then i will never belong, its pathetic, im pathetic, i can do more and i will, or why am i even here. (it means everything.) one day i will stand strong once again and be complete.

But i will die long before i ever give up. I still have my soul, i lost my spirit and pieces of my heart, but my soul my will is still mine.
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#8

Postby jurplesman » Thu Sep 29, 2011 7:44 am

If you have hypoglycemia, you know what to do. Go on the. hypoglycemic diet
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#9

Postby paulo111 » Thu Sep 29, 2011 1:00 pm

lastflower161 wrote:I do have Hypoglycemia, i sometimes get low blood suger, but i tend to deal with that quite well, but if i go for too long without i get snapply and alittle angry for some reason and also feel weak, i have fainted few times in past and have been close many times, but sometimes i just forget to eat, with too much on my mind.


I call what happened at uni, the black weekend, i have never been hurt so badly, i have never suffered like that before, its only beacuse im a stubborn bitch that im still here, the other me woulden't let me go, i gave up and was ready to go, but she woulden't let me, almost destroyed myself, such corruption.

On that night, i died inside, something inside was ripped and burned.
I will never forget, not ever, beacuse i remember everything, i can see it all in my mind. Deep down, it still hurts still. I think fom time to time that maybe i had my chance, that i was ment to die and thats wny my life is so mixed up, and stressful..


I know i can do more, i can be stronger, thats why my goals are so high, beacuse if i can't meet them, then i will never belong, its pathetic, im pathetic, i can do more and i will, or why am i even here. (it means everything.) one day i will stand strong once again and be complete.

But i will die long before i ever give up. I still have my soul, i lost my spirit and pieces of my heart, but my soul my will is still mine.


The theory goes with hypoglycemia you struggle to create enought ATP that is required to convert amino acids into neurotransmitters. So at one point you may get jitters/anxiety after sugar or fasting, you may also have day to day anxiety/depression as you havent enough seretonin. Are you insulin resistant? Or could it be the stress impacting on your adrenals that is causing hypoglycemia? Or mineral deficienices? etc. If you are stressed supporting your adrenals is vital or you can become very sick. I get annoyed when people just tell us to think postively and our thought patterns will automatically change and the depression/anxiety is gone just like magic. Neurotransmitters go a long way to dictate your personality and thought patters - when they go out of sync due to hypoglycemia, hypothyroidism etc, your thought patterns suffer to. The key is to get the body producing the feel good neurotransmitters naturally again, not hoping to talk your way out of it. If we could just adopt a positive attitude and think our way out of it we'd all be cured in no time. The fact some people have had depression for 30 years + tells you perhaps its a bit more technical than some of this forum want us to beleive.
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#10

Postby jurplesman » Fri Sep 30, 2011 5:01 am

I fully agree with pauio111.
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#11

Postby paulo111 » Fri Sep 30, 2011 9:01 am

jurplesman wrote:I fully agree with pauio111.


Hi Juriaan,

I always wondered if while addressing the hypoglycemia taking l-carnitine, co-enzyme Q10 or the various ATP supps that bodybuilders use would help raise ATP?

Any ideas?
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#12

Postby Severijn » Fri Sep 30, 2011 9:37 am

If we could just adopt a positive attitude and think our way out of it we'd all be cured in no time. The fact some people have had depression for 30 years + tells you perhaps its a bit more technical than some of this forum want us to beleive.


About 8.3 % of people in the US have diabetes I or II; I don't know if hypoglycemia is included in that number. About 10 to 15 % of people get depression over their lifetime.

Even if diabetes/hypoglycemia is always and directly the cause of depression, there's still about 2 to 7 % of people that have depression that do not have any kind of problems with their blood sugar. But I doubt that people with hypoglycemia always have depression, necessarily. Correlation does not necessarily imply causation.

Anyway, I wish I could get solid statistics for this, but I think that at least 3/4 of people having depression don't suffer from hypoglycemia, or, if they do suffer from it, it's not causing major depressive symptoms. This leaves a lot of room for other treatments. The hypoglycemia diet is not the wonder cure of the century. Wonder cures, that fit all, don't exist. I wish life is that simple.

Many people with depression report that they have or are in: social isolation, purposeless and meaninglessness, have Social Phobia, or have a history of childhood abuse, which seem like major causes of depression to me.

Even if a socially isolated and lonely, abused, Socially Phobic, purposeless person does the hypoglycemia diet, they will still be this person with all this mental and emotional baggage afterwards. Friends are important in life. This is common knowledge, or it should be. A diet will not just give someone a group of friends. Some people on this forum seems to belief that a diet will fix all problems in life. This is short-sighted and misleading for other posters here that seek true solutions for their problems.
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#13

Postby lastflower161 » Fri Sep 30, 2011 9:50 pm

Severijn wrote:
If we could just adopt a positive attitude and think our way out of it we'd all be cured in no time. The fact some people have had depression for 30 years + tells you perhaps its a bit more technical than some of this forum want us to beleive.


About 8.3 % of people in the US have diabetes I or II; I don't know if hypoglycemia is included in that number. About 10 to 15 % of people get depression over their lifetime.

Even if diabetes/hypoglycemia is always and directly the cause of depression, there's still about 2 to 7 % of people that have depression that do not have any kind of problems with their blood sugar. But I doubt that people with hypoglycemia always have depression, necessarily. Correlation does not necessarily imply causation.

Anyway, I wish I could get solid statistics for this, but I think that at least 3/4 of people having depression don't suffer from hypoglycemia, or, if they do suffer from it, it's not causing major depressive symptoms. This leaves a lot of room for other treatments. The hypoglycemia diet is not the wonder cure of the century. Wonder cures, that fit all, don't exist. I wish life is that simple.

Many people with depression report that they have or are in: social isolation, purposeless and meaninglessness, have Social Phobia, or have a history of childhood abuse, which seem like major causes of depression to me.

Even if a socially isolated and lonely, abused, Socially Phobic, purposeless person does the hypoglycemia diet, they will still be this person with all this mental and emotional baggage afterwards. Friends are important in life. This is common knowledge, or it should be. A diet will not just give someone a group of friends. Some people on this forum seems to belief that a diet will fix all problems in life. This is short-sighted and misleading for other posters here that seek true solutions for their problems.



i was never very good at nutrition, but i understand where your coming from never knew hypoglycemia could be a cause for depression, i just think that im un-believeably unluckly T-T

i do not take anything for it, i don't need insulin or supplements i only boarder line have it, never heard of the diet?? i don't do diets, i do tend to go throw eating changes tho, i will eat not alot for about 3 weeks then on the 4th week stuff myself silly, then reply same stragitly.

i only got depression, beacuse of paper work over flow and others that enjoy hurting people, all i did was care and others used and abused that.. i didn't do anything wrong, yet i was the only on to suffer and without justic.

but what goes around comes around in this world one day they will pay for what they did.
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#14

Postby jurplesman » Sat Oct 01, 2011 8:19 am

paulo111 wrote:Hi Juriaan,

I always wondered if while addressing the hypoglycemia taking l-carnitine, co-enzyme Q10 or the various ATP supps that bodybuilders use would help raise ATP?

Any ideas?


I am always somewhat sceptical using individual supplements, especially if they are non-essentail - that means synthesised from other nutrients. Thus always ascertain whether a nutrients is essential or non-essential.
Now this may not be the case with ATP, because this is produced from glucose, and therefore if you have glucose intolerance, than yo may have problem producing sufficient ATP. In nutritional psychotherapy you always go from the most frequent to the least frequent problem. For instance, when looking at depression the most frequent factor is hypoglycemia, and the lesser factor may be Crohn's Disease. First look at the obvious before looking at the less obvious in diagnosis, or looking at the most common to the less common in diagnosis.

Also read:
Hit or Miss Supplements for Depression

If you have any more questions always look up first at:
INDEX
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