Bothered too long when smthing (bad) happens btween me &

Postby CrystalMinds » Mon Jan 02, 2012 6:57 pm

Ok, title was too long even after cutting out some letters.

When something happens with my friends, when we get into an argument or I did something wrong, it always keeps bothering me so long.
Like a couple of days ago, I told my friend D. what was bothering me. But if my friend R. hadn't told me a certain thing, I couldn't have said something about it to my friend D. So D. knew R. told me something about it. I told R. that I told D. because it really bothered me. So R. got a bit annoyed that I couldn't keep it to myself. But I only said it so there wouldn't be any problems anymore. Now R. told me something that someone told her about me, and I mailed that person, I didn't say R. told me something but I told her to say that I thought he thought so, so I mailed him about it.
Now she's like: you told him I told you? (which I didn't) and she got a bit mad at me and was like: "i won't tell you anything anymore :p". But I never told him that R. told me. I said to R. to tell him I thought the same thing and that's why I mailed him.
I said sorry, that I didn't know he would connect the dots between me telling him and him telling her. She said it was okay and we talked about other stuff.
But it still bothers me. It wasn't my intention to make him think that she told me. I didn't tell him she told me. Now I'm kinda scared she won't trust me again or tell my friends things I told her about them.

To generalize it, I'm upset with the most little things that happen between me and my friends. Like this is gonna bother me for days, even though she said it was okay.
I don't wanna be upset about every little "bad" thing that happens between me and my friends, but I do it.
Anybody have any ideas how I can let things go easier?

Sorry if it's a bit confusing...
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Postby alexandra » Mon Jan 02, 2012 11:29 pm

Hey CrystalMinds,

The difficulty in relationships sometimes is feeling comfortable to address issues that sometimes raise their heads to the person that the issues stem from. The best thing to do in a situation where one friend tells you something that another friend has told them is to encourage the friend telling you to ask the other friend to talk to you about what is bothering you.

See there is this thing called the drama triangle (if you draw a triangle and put these lables at each corner it may make it easier to understand). One label is bully, second is victim and third is rescuer. In any relationship it is always a good and the best way to avoid this triangle because once you get in the triangle not only is it hard to get out of the triangle but it also leaves everyone involved feeling pretty bad.

In this situation, you have essentially played out both the bully and now the victim and likewise for all the others involved in the situation with the friend who told you playing out the rescuer and then bully/victim. Your friend (the one with the issue with you) was initially the victim, she went to the other friend (rescuer) and told her what is bothering her and in your friends attempt to sort the situation out, told you (at this point your the bully). With you then emailing her and talking to her about it you essentially come across as the bully, putting her in the victim position and your other friend out on a limb.

Trust is going to be affected on all sides because if you are told something about another friend and it is passed on it creates the above scenario. As a resolution, it may be an idea to speak to the friend who had the issue with you and ask them to tell you if something has happened between your friendship that is bothering her, as you value their thoughts and feelings and if soemthing wrong happened then you would like to work on it because your friendship with them is important. In this way, they will feel that they can approach you and will feel more comfortable in doing so. Also, these feelings you are left with will no longer be there as you both can then work on resolutions.

I hope this makes sense and helps. don't beat yourself up about it, remember this is all a learning curve kiddo x
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Postby CrystalMinds » Tue Jan 03, 2012 6:49 am

Thank you for your advice! In the future I'll just won't use the information someone gives me when someone told them something about me. I just hope she doesn't think I can't be trusted.

It's also annoying that I keep worrying about it. I know I didn't do it on purpose the second time, and that I told her about it the first time and she understood. Now I'm still analysing and thinking "but I didn't do anything wrong", ... pff :/
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