I Finally Notice The Fight

Postby seeker04 » Thu Jan 05, 2012 5:13 pm

I’ve been a bulimic for these past 3 years (as far as I can remember the intensive “episodes”). I never admitted the name ‘bulimic’ for myself, but since 2011, I’ve been admitting that yes, I am a bulimic. But still, I never admit that I need help, always think that I’m in control for this.
Now, I wanna share! I’d be VERY glad if you would read my ramble here ;)

So since i'm having a semester holiday for a month, i've been living in my parents house since dec 20. I thought since I'll have my family around, I wont get the urge to binge and purge like I always do every other day when I live alone away from my hometown.
BUT, here I am finding myself ALWAYS stay awake until 3 in the morning, sneaking out after all of my family members fell asleep to eat all the foods I could find in my house (and my mom always provides LOADS ammount of food, so I ate waaaaaaay much more than I always did when I’m alone) and then try to purge them all out of my body afterwards. Then I always feeling guilty for having those 'episodes' again and also for not be able to throw them ALL out of my body. Feeling very guilty for decided to start the binge and purge episode again that nite. And so Ialways promise to myself that I wont do that again the next day. But somehow i'm never strong enough to keep the promise to myself. DAMNIT! So I failed it again. Over and over and over again, it happened again.

I've been having some weird symtomps in my body, the major one is that my body tend to bloat sometimes. Been to the doctor, my kidneys are fineand the doctor still couldnt figured out what disease is this. But deep down, since knowing that bulimia will cause some imbalance in your system, I’m kinda scared that my bulimia is the real cause for this. I hope it's not though.

So now, yes, I start to realise that I need help. Cause I dont want to get fat again nor gain more weight, I dont want to have bloated body nor cheeks (yes, my cheeks are obviously swollen since these past ''intensive week''), I want to feel good with my body, I want to have a normal life, and I want to live a healthy life. Maybe most of them are not the right reasons, but I dont care.
And now, I dont know what to do. All I know is that I want to get some help. I figured that if people who’re close to me know about this, the moral support would be awesome! I mean, you know like, I could put on my twitter or text anybody when I feel like about to break down into episodes again, hmm I’m could imagine all the response and replies already :). It must feel REALLY good and couraging.. It’d be nice to have people that are there with you (morally and physically) to help you go through every other day, every other fight.
But the thing is, I don’t want to change people view about me into some kind of pity or disgust, especially my parents, family, and best friends. People I love.
So I don’t know what to do now. I’m stuck between the desperation for some help from people that I love and the thought of never want to disappoint them. Well, I know that coming out of the closet is the first step for recovery, but like I said, I dont want them to know!

So now, I really dont know what to do.

That’s all I have to say for now. Thanks for still coping with me :).
Oh, if you want to share about ANYTHING with me, whether you are bulimic or not, I have this account on mdjuntion. so you can reach me there. My user name in seeker04. Or if you’re interested in reading my other thoughts you can find it there too. So you know where to find me!
Hugs, xx

Oh! Just one more thing for those of you who also have eating disorder, I just wanna say that isn’t it funny how we always know what to say or should do, but when it’s down to ourselves, we never know what to really do..
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Postby jurplesman » Sat Jan 07, 2012 7:37 am

Please read for an explanation:
Eating Disorders Anorexia and Bullimia
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