i am hollow

[lastflower161]

theres too much pain inside, it isen't enough cutting, i need more, more blood, more pain, its not enough, i balence out my pain inside on the outside, i get so peace.. but its not enough, i need more, i punched the bathroom concreate tiles today, it hurt, my knuckles were sore, but i kept punching it, then they started to bleed and i kepy punching it, blood on the wall. suficed for now..

i want to burn, set myself alite, what will be enough.. i don't know, i was gonna do it.. and end this, but if i go, others will go, and i can't be cause of that, i am worthless, a roating piece of flesh.. i don't have a life.. beacus ethis isen't living.

i see a medical director/phyerist every 6 weeks, and a theripist every week and i talk to a concerlor too.. i have been waiting like this for 1 year 5 moths and now only just something might be happening.. but its too late.. they haven't done anything yet.. nothing has happened..

you think you hit rock bottom.. but theres alot more, alot further you can fall, dark places, that people are blind to, that they don't want to see. there's blood in the dark.

[VelvetBlade]

theres too much pain inside..............there's blood in the dark.

This might sound silly to you, but have you tried something like photography or writing when you're feeling so low? I mean doing anything you really enjoy doing?

What has helped me through my worst days and helped me ease up on myself with regards to the self-harm is writing poetry. Sounds silly but it's a way for me to really express myself. Get my emotions out there without having to "deal with it" on the inside or get rid of it through cutting, burning or hurting myself in any other way. And on days I can't concentrate enough to write, I grab my camera and walk around outside. Not only does the sunlight and fresh air do me good, but taking pictures of random things help to take my mind off the negative. It doesn't work all the time, because I become frustrated when I can't find "the perfect object to photograph" or can't finish the poem... But it sure helps.

Do you own pets? It helps to spend some time with them too. Especially cats and dogs. They just have this calming effect and seem to want to help. I find that whenever I'm very depressed, or whenever a depressive or manic episode is approaching, the animals refuse to leave my side. It's annoying sometimes but it's an early warning and I know then to find a quiet place and try to relax, usually take a nap or do something that will get me through it. The fact that you're on here talking about your feelings is a cry for help. Does your therapist have an emergency number? Why don't you make that call? We here can try to offer support and try to lift your spirit but you know that you really need to be seeking professional help right now.

I wish you all the best and truly hope that you can pick up the pieces and stay strong [hugs]

[lastflower161]

oddly. i do write alot of poety, how i feel, i used to do it constantly, things would pop into my maind and i would write them out, and they were beautiful, people liked them, said i should make a book, but when and all this.. i stopped writting so sad. I made a few poems they are horrible, but so good, its really sad. i haven't written any for a long time now, with the 200 i have i might make a book with one day, then others can see, thought my eyes.

I don't go outside, only for my driving lesson, and when i have to go to see my theripist, im scared, i don't want to go out. I have a puppy she turned one the other day, she is lovely, sh hardly ever leaves my side, she even comes to the bathroom with me.. she wants to be close constantly.. i don't know if thats beacuse she knows or not, i also have a bunny, he is a very good looking rabbit, but i feel alittle shamed i should be taking care of them.. my parents do it for me.. beacuse of all this messed up stuff, there my kids.

i asked for someone to talk to, or a number to ring, often i go to places, that are horrible, the darkness, is suffercating, i get overwhelmed and crushed beneath it, my pain. But there woulden't give me one, that made me very sad. they said they don't want me to email or call incase they can't help or be there.. it very harsh it seems.. be i guess i kinda understand but it doesen't help me.

[VelvetBlade]

i asked for someone to talk to, or a number to ring, often i go to places, that are horrible, the darkness, is suffercating, i get overwhelmed and crushed beneath it, my pain. But there woulden't give me one, that made me very sad. they said they don't want me to email or call incase they can't help or be there.. it very harsh it seems.. be i guess i kinda understand but it doesen't help me.

Tried to PM you, but it says I don't have enough posts

Don't know what that's got to do with anything but anyway... I know you've probably heard this a million times before, but I truly understand how you feel. I'm on another forum too, and I think this might also be of benefit to you. Not a depression forum, but a social anxiety forum. Feel free to pop in. My username is the same

Can't post the link - also not enough posts / haven't been a member long enough - But if you Google "Social Anxiety Forum" just go to the result with the heading, "Social Anxiety Forum and Social Phobia Forums"

I really hope you feel better soon [big hug]

[lastflower161]

i might check that out, the forums, i genrally am pritty untrusting, at the moment at least i think it i join too many fourms i confuse myself.. or feel vunrable, but thank i might have an investagation.

I don't deserve it.. i hate myself and i hate my life. i did something wrong. i said i would never hurt the ones i love, friday night, last night, i crossed that line, i had no control, i not quite sure what happned. i was laid on my bed and this pain, i was really sad, and my chest felt heavy, pressure, then it hit me, it shot throught my head, pain. i cryed, it hurt so much, so badly, i clenched and held my head, i didn't do anything to deserve that, i have been trying, i can bleed, give it my soul, and cry, but nothing happens, i think last night was a punshment, beacuse there isen't any hope and im worthless.

My mum came to help me, she coulden't stop it, my dad came to help, i was suffering, then i got angry, inraged, so much pain, i throw a chair at my dad, and punched him, i pushed my mum and she cryed, it was out of control, it was in my head, all over. i eventually fell asleep, but the next morning today wasted so good. i said sorry to my parents my mum had sad eyes, my dad sad she might leave beacuse she can't take it anymore, knowing she can do nothing, my dad said i can hit him as hard as i want and as many times as i need if it makes me feel better, thats not the point, thats not right, i didn't want to hit him, i don't want any of that.. i don't know know what to do with myself.. im lost, you think you hit the bottom, you never think in your nightmares or imagination that there could be a bottom to the bottom. what the hell do i do..