My soul feels tired?

Postby Lost21 » Wed Apr 04, 2012 5:29 am

I don't really know if anyone uses this site anymore, I am just more or less needing to get everything I'm going through off my chest and maybe get some advice if anyone out there is listening haha.

Ps.. Sorry about the grammar. I swear I am an intelligent kid.

( it's hard to type when you are crying haha )

Four years ago my mother died of Lupus. Before that I had watcher her for 16 years struggle to give me and my little brother and sister the best life that she could on a government disability pension.

I had been raised to believe in God, to believe that he has a plan for us and that he loves us all that jazz.

So many times people would say God is going to heal my mom, I had so much hope that it would happen..

My dad was never in the picture.. So when my mom was laying in the hospital on life support the doctors came to me because I was the oldest and I had to make a decision weather to keep her on life support or pull the plug. I was 18 at the time. I didn't want to be there at all. One of the people that took me and my brother and sister in while my mom was in the hospital told me I would regret it if I wasn't there at the end.

But I regret being there.

I regret telling the doctors to pull the plug.. I just stood there.. Helpless... watching her try and gasp for breath unconsciously. I don't know why I told them to.. I know there was nothing more that they could have done for her.. I kind of feel selfish in a way, for telling the doctors to pull it.

I had been watching my mom suffer for 16 years.. She was tired. I was tired.

After I saw my mom die in front of me, It changed me.
I had to be strong for my brother and sister. I couldn't grieve because the foster home we got sent too would label me as depressed if I cried. They tried to make me take all kinds of medicine and all I was needing was just to be left alone.. To heal.. But they made it impossible. PLUS they were pastors of a church so I had to basically pretend I didn't blame God for taking my mother away. Otherwise I would be labeled as not only depressed but as a rebellious child who is "falling off the path" or what ever sh** that is.

For the past couple years since my moms death I have been trying to get back on my feet.
Religion has ruined me, My moms death has ruined me, I feel so damn weak because of all the things I have been through, I feel as though my soul is weary of it all. Constantly I feel heavy hearted. Literally.

I can't hold a steady job because I am crushed.

I have been strong for my brother and sister for so long and that my brother and sister are 17 and 19, I am spent.

I am 21 years old and I feel as if my soul is 100.

I know none of this makes sense. I just needed to rant.
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Postby Herbie306 » Wed Apr 04, 2012 5:49 am

Hi, and welcome :)

From my point of view, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about for okaying the doctors to switch off your Mum's machine. It's a horrible decision to have to make and you did well to get through it.
Fair enough, you could've left her on life support, but she wouldn't have got any better, would she? You spent all that time watching her suffer and then, when the doctors suggested it was time, you wanted her to be at peace and without pain at last. I don't think that's wrong at all.

It sounds like you could do with some support; maybe some counselling, even it is purely the bereavement type. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being angry and upset that your Mum has passed away. Please go easy on yourself and take care.
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Postby Momoko » Thu Apr 05, 2012 6:47 am

good answer Herbie306!

Dear Lost21,

You did go through a lot and it's totally understandable that you feel the way you feel.
I really recommend you get support, talk with someone who can understand and help you ( the forum is good but if possible look also for some trusty understanding physical person you can actually talk with! ).

Be sure you will be able to smile and be happy again but you have to take care of yourself. Give vent to your feelings, all of them, whatever they are. Take your time to process all you have been through.

Take care and remember that we are here for you!
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