My partner ha BED amongst other things I NEED HELP

Postby pinkylueze » Sat May 26, 2012 11:16 am

This is quite a difficult thing to start and write... Ive been with my partner for 6.5years....a couple of fridays ago he walked through the door and exclaimed 'there was no savings' as we were saving for a mortgage deposit together, after a massive arguement he left me, only saying he was in debt n he'd eating away all the money. I have no idea what he was on about, i know we'd had our problems and had gone to relate in the past as he was found out the be a liar towards me but i have no idea of he scale of the sh*t that had just hit the fan. after a week at his mums, where he got no support he agreed to come home, to sleep in the spare room and get help. So now he wants to be single but live under the same roof as me, i love him with all my heart and for some reason i dont seem to care that all the money has gone, i just know i want to help him and love him and for him to love me.....but he doesnt...or wont.... he has hurt me more than he will ever know by lying to me everyday for the past 6.5 years, there dont appear to be any answers he wants to give me to why he ha hurt the one person he loves. he just keeps pushing me away more, i have taken him back given up drinking and had to trust him again straight away, not throw whats happened in his face, become a calm person, pay off 1000 worth of debt to help him out and still it isnt enough, i dont know what to do to help him anymore, i go to a self help group with him and also pay for his councelling as he as no money, but still after all that he cannot bring himself to share the same bed as me. I feel i cannot support him more but he isnt supporting me at all, which seems unfair, yes he has an eating disorder, a small gambling problem, a porn addiction, and a spending addiction as well as depression but i feel like his janitor, sweeping up n dealin with the mess and for what? Diddly squat, no reciprication what so ever, I feel so low and fat ugly uncared for and certainly unloved. one day he tells someones im his girlfriend the next moment he's telling me were not together, its killing me emotionaly. im a wreck. im not asking for a sexual relationship and lets pretend everythings fine, but to be held at night to know he does want me would mean so much. I feel he cannot deal with the guilt of what he has done to the relationship, he gets mad when i cry, but i cant turn my feelings off like a tap. My life and all that i held dear came crashing around my ankles a few weeks ago and im expected to carry on like everything is fine when its not. i feel shattered inside and only he can put the pieces back together but he chooses not to, he'd rather see me suffer longer. he keeps saying he needs 'time' but thas such an opened ended statement, half an hour? a day? a week? a month? 5 years? when do i realise i watched my life waste away because he's pushed me away for so long. I wish i was supported, like im supporting him. I wish he was greatful, but he's not, i feel used n that i dont have the right to feel emotions because he's the one with the problems. but im the one thats been lied to and hurt and frankly devastated. his lack of feeling is hard to cope with, he just doesnt care about anyone or anything, what do I do? does he really care? am i blind n stupid? i feel in limbo floating around with nothing to grab onto, so lost n alone when all i want is to be loved back :( am i asking too much? :cry:
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#1

Postby Candid » Sat May 26, 2012 10:31 pm

Yes, because you're asking for it from the wrong person. I'm sure this one's got one or two redeeming features or you wouldn't have fallen for him, but most of what you've written shows him to be a waste of space.

Now what about you? What makes you so desperate for love that you're willing to say "It doesn't matter, darling" over and over again, and wear yourself out paying off his debts? Do you really think you can guilt-trip him so much that he'll decide he loves you, throw off the frog suit and turn into a decent man who can at least pay his own way in the world?

There's a relationship and dating site designed just for you: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk No, it doesn't attempt to pair you off with anybody; it gives you a handle on why you feel so bad about yourself and shows you the million ways in which the guys you choose can make you feel a thousand times worse.

Get this clown out of your place and look after yourself for a while. If you do it long enough and well enough, you'll start attracting adult males with much better prospects.
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#2

Postby pinkylueze » Sun May 27, 2012 12:48 pm

Not really the advice/reply i was expecting tbh....i thought someone would say he's got issues thats for sure but its happened to me or that was me, :/ I'm not going 'to get this clown outta my life' as i love him and he has said he cares but needs to sort himself out 1st b4 he can think of a 'us' has anyone had the same issues and dealt with it? some more advice from someone who's been thru it perhaps?
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#3

Postby Candid » Sun May 27, 2012 9:55 pm

I'm not going 'to get this clown outta my life' as i love him
Ah. Well, if you love him you have to accept
- he was found out the be a liar towards me
- now he wants to be single but live under the same roof as me
- he has hurt me more than he will ever know by lying to me everyday for the past 6.5 years
- he just keeps pushing me away
- he has an eating disorder, a small gambling problem, a porn addiction, and a spending addiction as well as depression
- i feel like his janitor, sweeping up n dealin with the mess and for what? Diddly squat, no reciprication what so ever,
- his lack of feeling is hard to cope with, he just doesnt care about anyone or anything

It may not be easy, but I'm sure he's worth it. For further support, join this discussion: http://www.uncommonforum.com/viewtopic.php?t=1352
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#4

Postby DustDevil » Wed Jul 25, 2012 5:49 pm

pinkylueze wrote:Not really the advice/reply i was expecting tbh....i thought someone would say he's got issues thats for sure but its happened to me or that was me, :/ I'm not going 'to get this clown outta my life' as i love him and he has said he cares but needs to sort himself out 1st b4 he can think of a 'us' has anyone had the same issues and dealt with it? some more advice from someone who's been thru it perhaps?


If you are "Expecting" some particular type of advice, why are you even asking? Just do what you are "Expecting" to hear.

If you are looking for reassurance on a choice you are going to make anyways, this may not be the best place to seek that out.

People post on here to get different opinions and angles on situations, not to dispute suggestions.

I agree that you do need to "get this clown out of your life" but obviously you are not going to.
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