My depression, some of my story and the present day..

Postby lastflower161 » Thu May 30, 2013 4:47 am

hi there,

alot has happened to me, i havent talked on this foum for a while now. My life has been so taken over, and i have been hurt so badly emotionally more so my other scar's will fade, but an emotion cut doesent stop bleeding and will always remain, i came out of the tunnel at the other side, not everyone is strong enough to come out the otherside, i dont lie i was bad, when you are dead inside you are truely dead, you have no name, no identity, i was trapped in a hell. It was different for me, with my depression and post-dramatic stress disorder, oddly enough even know it brought me great pain and there were times i was hurting and bleeding and i was scared of my other self, she frightened me, we fort each other and hurt each other in the end though she protected me, my borderline personality disorder partly saved me, i wasent alone i someone talking to me, holding me when i cryed, when i was screaming inside she was there standing with me by myside.

i got myself out, i had nothing left to give, everything that made me, me was taken away, i was stripped off all that made me who i was, i was dying and i wanted to die and i wasent afriad anymore, i was torchures everyday by this darkness, no hurt i conflicted on myself could make a scatch i couldent balance it out the pain and suffering inside was like a sickness it was twisted and corrupt so many things in my wildess thoughts, the horror i could never think up something like that, the worse that can happen to someone the things you are afraid of, nothing compared so horrific i was dead inside, i had no spirit and my soul there wasent alot left to call it that.

my days were blended together, i didnt know the day, the time, it was over, i had nothing else to give but my life, a heart beating blood around my body its only purpose i was like a lifeless shell. A day like any other and it happened i went to sit down on my desk, i sat and put my hands on the table, and something hit e with force, the table moved and went out of focus then i was so warm like i had been bathed in light, i was filled with dominance a will that dominated me, i wanted to live, i never did anything wrong, the only thing i was guitly of was loving and caring about others. i stuf up and the will power i lost along the way some how found me, and with the support of my other self iwanted to find a way.

even with my will, and that strength that came with it, i was struck by lighting it seems, a few times, and hurt, my suffering continued, but i still tryed to grasp they long lost strings, got to a point were i started to loose it, i could people from far away talking, crying, poeple that were alone and wanted someone. at first i was think o theres someone outside but no one was there, then maybe my parents were calling me and with all this music on i cant hear right, but no there werent calling me, with my music and head phones on full blast in my ears there was another voice separate from the music talking, i was scared, i didnt know what they wanted from me, i called to them and they couldent hear me or see me and i couldent see them but could hear them. some that stuck out, a little girl talking to her daddy, to children from another congry talking chattering away but i couldent understand them, but what upset me is the old women, she was crying i could hear her, she sounded so sad and she was so alone, i wanted to help her, be there for her, she was hurtingthis made me cry, i didnt want to hear it, her sorrow, i thin kshe lost someone she loved. after that i was floated by voices so many voices, it was crazy but im not sure how i did it, but over many days like a blank i dont remmber how the detail of it but the voices were gone and it was silent, my otherself was gone too and i was alone in mind and body, i looked in the mirror and i saw myself, for the first time in 2 and half years i sure somethiging formillular that was me i nthe mirror, i was alive, i was still alive and it was okay.

theres been alot since then and im still trying to find my feet, its hard and my life is more complecated than i would like it to be, and i am different now im not the same person i was, i am stronger and wiser now but not just that im not sure what it is. i still feel lost quiet alot of the time, some times i have an identity thing about my feelings and how i was before and trying to figure out how to get back to that point, i dont think i cant go back. which makes things more hard for me, things are so complicated, they should never have been like this.

if any of you mange to read all of this and let go of them spelling mistakes lol, know that im still going, some how, and im happy for the most part but i know something is still wrong with me, my feelings are a bit scrambled at the moment, i still have my depression and postrumatic stress disorder but i no longer have a boredline personality disoder, you know i didnt get to say thank you to her to looking out for me, i know it sounds silly maybe i should whisper it to myself and maybe somewhere in this world or inside the sleeping friend that came to help me will hear it. i think deep down she is me, my will and my soul. and my heart is my lost spirit that im rebuilding with time.

I have been helping others, my experinces vast, and my knoweldge of it. I talk to them, no one should ahve to be alone, even if they cant help, we all need someone that will listen, they dont have to reply or eveb look at you, but to know that there there and will be there if you ask them to or not. i know i should really thin of myself first i cant i care too much about others to put me first but im somewhere on the list no worries and been doing alot better at the moment.

if only i could just put all my stuff on my mind i na box and have lots of time to think about it and make important dicisions for furture, sadly on that point my time is running out, but i will contuinue to ignore it to the best of my ability and push it away but at some point i will have to make my mind up and face it all, sooner than i want it to be so thats whats going down at the moment.
lastflower161
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Postby JuliusFawcett » Thu May 30, 2013 7:12 am

Hi lastflower161,

Thank you so much for your beautiful story,

I can't tell you that I know exactly how you feel, we all have a unique experience of the world and we are all different. I can tell you that I have been depressed before and the I tried to drown myself on two occasions, but that I have now found peace within myself and consistent happiness.

Sometimes when we think we have lost everything, we find the very thing that is infinite, powerful, beautiful, timeless within ourselves. It is our soul, but naming it is only pointing at it, it is beyond words, beyond thought.

What we can do is align our thoughts to best allow our soul connection. We can let go of fear, anger, jealousy, blame, sorrow, guilt, tension, resentment and allow our souls to shine.

Further supporting the soul is love, forgiveness, compassion, joy, peace, beauty and happiness. To use our soul to guide us we can ask "What can I do right now to keep me happy? and keep asking moment by moment whenever we want a soulful decision.

Your soul knows how to keep you healthy, keep looking after yourself, you are powerful, capable, strong, kind, gentle, amazing. You have something unique and wonderful to offer the world, celebrate it, you have wonderful mental health, you have wonderful physical health, support yourself and others with loving thoughts. I believe in you, dream your beautiful dream. You can do it, I know that you can.

Peace, love and harmony within you and around you.
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JuliusFawcett
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