1st day of my new life

Postby Vape Addict » Tue Dec 31, 2013 4:39 pm

I've been a pothead for 26 years, quit tobacco 15 years ago, smoked neat for 12 years and been vaping for 3 years. This is the first time I really feel ready to do this. I don't want to use it as a crutch or prop when things are tough anymore. My husband has an incurable cancer - 12 years now - and he is on the 19th chemotherapy cycle of his 3rd relapse. I use dope to take the edge of it all, to blunt my emotions, to calm my moods when I am in an adrenaline burst (usually 3 months buzzing, one week crash). I don't want to waste any more time sitting in my bedroom vaping while my husband and kids are downstairs, I don't want my teenage daughters to know that I am a stoner, I don't want to waste any more of my precious time - or money! The biggest push to give up was when I added up how much I spent this year - broke at Christmas despite working really hard and having my best year since I became self-employed and now I am overdrawn with credit card debts because I lied to myself about having my habit under control. Having a (new) regular dealer come and deliver every few weeks since January has meant that I spent the whole of this last year wasted! And he has cheated me with underweight, really expensive, only ok gear - I don't want to be in this trap, freaking when I run low, wasting yet more time waiting for a delivery - enough is enough. My husband is pleased that I am stopping but he can't support me as much as I need because I need to be there to support him through the chemo, fortnightly hospital visits etc. I am 46 and only one of my friends smokes - I always vape alone. Sounds really sad to say that, glad I am writing this and so grateful for all the forum stories - knowing I am not alone going through this. Not sure how I will cope with double whammy insomnia, night sweats and mood swings though - been going through early menopause for 4 years so already got those symptoms. I WILL QUIT WEED FOR GOOD THIS TIME!!! No more hiding away from life :)
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#1

Postby Furtive » Wed Jan 01, 2014 6:25 pm

Vape Addict wrote: The biggest push to give up was when I added up how much I spent this year

Hmm. Is that really more important than the other reasons you listed, like wasting time away from your husband and kids?

I'm not trying to be an backside , just saying money isn't nearly as important ....
and it's important to get your #1 reason clear in your mind if you're going to make that change.

Strength to you anyway
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#2

Postby Vape Addict » Wed Jan 01, 2014 11:44 pm

Furtive wrote:
Vape Addict wrote: The biggest push to give up was when I added up how much I spent this year

Hmm. Is that really more important than the other reasons you listed, like wasting time away from your husband and kids?

I'm not trying to be an backside , just saying money isn't nearly as important ....
and it's important to get your #1 reason clear in your mind if you're going to make that change.

Strength to you anyway


I think I typed too quick and it came across wrong. It's more about the money I could have spent on my family at Christmas if I hadn't vaped it all - it was the final push I needed because it was a massive wake up call when I added it up. I'd been wanting to break free of my addiction for some years but always failed cos my head wasn't in the right place. Reading everyone's stories inspires me into believing that I can finally get free of it.

You are totally right though - time is more precious than anything because once it's gone you can't get it back. This is only day 2 but I've had the time to watch 2 films today - one as a family and one with my husband, I've played with our puppy more and already I feel more like I am actually taking part in our lives rather than observing everything through a total stoned haze.
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#3

Postby itsanewdaywohoo » Thu Jan 02, 2014 9:29 am

welcome on board vape, you have found a nice place, good people here and good support.

Sounds like you are making the right choice for the right reason, its not as hard as you might think, am at day 76 after over 20 years of daily toking. Best decision I have made in many many years.

Have a read of my blog, its a pretty usual story, some struggles but well worth it.

Be strong and be kind to yourself !
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#4

Postby Vape Addict » Thu Jan 02, 2014 12:20 pm

This is such an amazing forum - it gives me hope when I read stories like yours. Day 3 now and struggling a bit with lack of sleep, dizziness from an ear infection at the weekend and generally feeling "fuzzy". Knowing that you are on day 76 even after a 20 year habit is helping motivate me!
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#5

Postby Wave » Thu Jan 02, 2014 11:40 pm

Good work, I use to love vaping too (though usually smoked my glass bong).

For me the money was a big factor too. Realised that I could be living a much better life if I wasn't spending such a lot of my disposable cash on smoke.

Well done for making the choice to quit, it has been a good decision for me!
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#6

Postby Wave » Fri Jan 03, 2014 12:26 am

POST BY VAPE ADDICT: Day 3

Day 3 is a bit hard - I'm really tired from a bad night, early start and I have a very physical job so noticing that my energy levels are low.

However, I am so glad to have made the decision to cut weed out of my life - i hadn't fully realised how much I was anaesthetising myself from life. Yes, life is hard and stressful but everyone has problems and so many people cope without drugs - I will get through this!

Already my eyes are clearer and I can actually see what colour they are without the usual bloodshot stoned stare - the whites of my eyes are properly white for the first time in years and I feel stronger in myself.

This is the first time in 26 years that I have really wanted to stop. Cutting down helped me control my habit a little but I kept going back to my heavier use and I started to feel guilty every time I had my 5.30am vape, using it as an excuse to keep vaping all day.

I gave up smoking cigarettes 15 years ago after being a heavy smoker for about 16 years - again, I kept trying to give up and failing each time mainly because my head wasn't in the right place and the decisions to quit were from peer pressure instead of coming from me.

Giving up my lovely weed is difficult but my head is in the right place now so I know that finally I can break free and start living my life instead of just existing in a permanently stoned haze Very Happy
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#7

Postby Vape Addict » Fri Jan 03, 2014 5:11 pm

Thank you Wave - I have never gone on any online forums before and it was only yesterday that I realised that I should just be doing the one thread lol cos I am bit of technophobe!

Day 4 and feeling tons better - still bit fuzzy and headaches not great but slept more last night (and remembered my dream when I woke up) - so happy that I have found this forum and taken back control of my life.

I know that I have a long way to go but I just try and take it one step at a time. Once I got though the first day I knew I could do another, after day 2 I knew I could do 2 more days and I have - now I know I can do 8 days etc etc. Applied pretty much same principles when I started running again after my last back operation (had my bottom L5/S1 disc taken out 4 years ago and replaced with a carbon cage filled with crushed bone and artificial bone marrow with a titanium rod and 4 screws for fusion) - psychologically works for me.

Everyone has different journeys but we are all going the same way - to a new life freed from weed 8) and gaining back the control to deal with life's many challenges through our own strengths which we are all capable of finding within ourselves.

I was stuck in traffic this morning and didn't resort to my usual road rage 'f'ing and blinding - much easier to deal with and way less stressful. Hopefully I won't scrape any more paint of my car or other vehicles this year lol!!! :)

BTW I had some wine at lunch so apologies if rambling . . .
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#8

Postby Vape Addict » Fri Jan 03, 2014 5:41 pm

Trying to get the courage to throw my vaporisers away - keep thinking no I can't, what if I fail, what if I can't deal with my husband's cancer, what if I oh god there are always excuses as to why I can't which makes me angry with myself - I know that I should just bin them but not quite ready to and it makes me sad to type that :(
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#9

Postby Furtive » Fri Jan 03, 2014 8:28 pm

I wouldn't worry about getting rid of the paraphernalia.
I haven't thrown mine away either.

Just packing it away was enough.
If I relent and use again, I'll be aware that I'm going backwards as I unpack it again,
Rather than getting another one.

It helps some people to make that gesture of throwing it away
But somehow for me it's easier to keep it.
Similarly I kept the pack of tobacco for months during that quit, as well.

It's presence isn't the important thing.
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#10

Postby Vape Addict » Sat Jan 04, 2014 6:38 am

Day 5 - not a great start cos had an even worse night than usual, despite taking half a zopliclone. This is so hard but I want to quit so badly that I know I just have to keep going. Just need to get through the first month to fully from the habit of NOT being a pothead but I really, really want a vape right now. Going for an early run instead and got a busy weekend - not had a weekend without gear for so long!

I'm feeling fuzzy all the time but people keep saying I look really well (even though I feel lousy with my ear infection, nausea, dizziness, lack of sleep etc) and my thoughts keep racing round my head before I can catch them (hope that makes sense).

Been reading some of the new posts from last night - gives me hope to keep going with it. I've got through worse I know I can do this but soooo missing it right now :(
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#11

Postby Vape Addict » Sat Jan 04, 2014 2:28 pm

Been working and rushing around all morning and then got stroppy with my family at lunch cos my moods swinging madly (past 5 years also been going through peri-menopause which can last up to 10 years - aaaargh! - and you get mood swings, night sweats, hot flashes, anger, sleep disruptions etc - pretty much double whammy symptoms for me right now).

Feels so much harder to resist today - not helped when my husband told me to just get some gear to chill and try quitting another time.

I will not give in to my addiction
I will not give in to my addiction
I WILL NOT GIVE IN TO MY ADDICTION!!!

I know this will pass but I can't stop thinking how nice a vape would be right now. Reading some earlier threads to keep motivated ...

Bad day today :( tomorrow should be better :)
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#12

Postby Barryjane » Sat Jan 04, 2014 5:45 pm

Best wishes on your endeavor mate. I'm a long time smoker just getting off the herb myself.
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#13

Postby itsanewdaywohoo » Sat Jan 04, 2014 8:59 pm

hang in there vape - you are travelling a bumpy road but many have been there before you and made it to the end, you are also not travelling alone !

There's lots of us here walking with you :)


it gets easier
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#14

Postby Vape Addict » Sat Jan 04, 2014 9:55 pm

I am so grateful for everyone's support - people find it hard to comprehend just how debilitating weed addiction is - it can be a very lonely road but travelling with others makes for a lighter journey.

Day 5 has been so hard but just watched an amazingly uplifting and beautifully drawn Japanese anime film (From up on Poppy Hill) with my family and feel miles better. On a vape I would have been all 'whoa look at the colours man ..." instead of being pulled into the actual story. My falling asleep in most films has been a long running family joke - I've missed soooo many film endings (and series!) over the years and it's fantastic to rediscover my love of film again.

It's taken over half my life but I am finally seeing a future freed from weed and didn't think it possible after 26 years of being a pothead to start seeing life through fresh eyes. I was 20 when I started but the addiction really took a massive hold in my 30s and I kept denying it was happening.

We are out tomorrow as my eldest is turning 14 and I know that this year I WON'T spending the time wanting to get home to get wasted - even though the low points of quitting are pretty bad the natural highs are well worth it :D
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