12 year habit... Feeling REALLY lost...

Postby Memory Shell » Thu Feb 13, 2014 6:46 am

I don't know what to do. I'm always in this mental fog. Smoking since 14, 26 now. Been coming to this site for almost 9 years now (!!!)... Had some succesful 2-week / 1 month breaks here and there (3 or 4 times) but I always go back to smoking... The rationalization that "this time" I can smoke it with moderation always gets to me. That I'll only do it on this or that occasion, for this or that purpose. What's pathetic is I know I'm lying to myself, with the same ease that you'd lie to someone you don't care about. There's disdain for myself in everything I do. Lack of respect. Once I smoke that first joint, once I am under the influence, I'm hooked again. BUT I ALWAYS END UP HERE ON THIS FORUM! Sometimes it takes two months, sometimes it takes a week. I'm always thinking of quitting. Always. But it's like my thoughts are not my own anymore. Not when I'm high at least, which is always. It's like everything I think is fleeting, temporary. I'm always alone. Always. It's so sad, my life.

Yesterday I decided, for the 2435355th time to quit for good. This time I meant business, I told myself. So I smoked all I had in one sitting (which wasn't that much, tbh). Then today I woke up, went to work, all the while thinking "It's ok, I don't need to smoke. No need to worry about it.". So I didn't. Because it's like in the back of my head there was a demon lurking saying "You know you'll just get more hash once you get out of work". And I did.

What the f*ck am I doing? Why am I sending him a message? I can not send this. WHY DID I SEND IT?!?

You know the rest... Come home, smoke a couple of joints, browse the internet for stupid nonsense, watch some porn, relief... BAM! It's 6 am and I'm all alone. High. Again. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

I'll throw away my stuff when I wake tomorrow. If I don't update this tomorrow, ignore everything I wrote because it means nothing. Just another THC-induced rambling. Let's see how this one goes... :roll:
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#1

Postby Fabulous Furnace » Thu Feb 13, 2014 6:57 am

Listen, there is nothing wrong with you. I have done the same thing for 25 years! I've beat myself up enough...
We humans like to escape and habits die hard. When you are ready, you will be ready.
I am 50!
Keep writing here and pour your feelings out here.
you can do it!

FF
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#2

Postby HDog455 » Thu Feb 13, 2014 12:11 pm

Hey Memory Shell, Fabulous Furnace is right - when you are ready to quit you will do it. Your experience is basically a carbon copy of the vast majority of weed addicts so don't beat yourself up too much.

Sometimes it takes a trigger like a significant life changing event to make you realise that you need to take some real positive action in an effort to quit for good. With me it was my father passing away as well as the doctor telling me that I had high blood pressure. He warned me that continuing to smoke pot would exascabate my medical condition.

You admitted that you have tried to quit many times but without success. Think about the possible reasons why this always happens to you. Can you honestly say that you are making a strong effort to quit or is it usually more of a half-hearted thing? Have you read anything on this forum or elsewhere that you feel could be of value in terms of helping you to achieve your goal?
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#3

Postby Newyearnewyou » Thu Feb 13, 2014 12:46 pm

Totally agree hdogg and ff, it's like anything that you want to do... There is generally a deep gut feeling that you want to change. I had tried only a couple of times before but knew deep down I wasn't ready. This time I went looking for help and support, knowing that this would give me the information I would need. When I read through all the threads on here, it was the final factor I needed to make that commitment to myself.

Some have done for and against lists and when feeling ready to give into the urge, they went through their lists to help them maintain their commitment.

I have nearly wavered a few times over the last 6 weeks but I had made a commitment to myself and my future plus a pact with vape addict on here. That has stopped me getting any weed. The longer it goes on for, the less I want to let myself down and others.

Your desire to quit has to be stronger than the urge to smoke! I looked ahead 5 years and it devastated me to see me still at the grasp of weed. I had to move out of my bubble and comfort zone. No matter what it took, I just didn't want to waste my life smoking it away....

A very good book I often reread is who moved my cheese by dr spencer Johnson. It's a short read but makes you think about so many things.
I'm sure you'll get to that point of no return, keep working through the process of quitting and believe you are worth it!
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#4

Postby Memory Shell » Fri Feb 14, 2014 12:54 am

I'm so sick of this sh*t. This perpetual in-the-fence attitude, you know? Why can't I just quit? Why do I have to keep living these eternal cycles of now I smoke / now I don't? Because I don't even try to rationalize it anymore as a healthy thing, like I used to do. There's no more "This cures cancer" or "This calms me down" excuses. I know I'm not calm in the first place because I'm not high. THC is pretty much like nicotine, except nicotine doesn't turn me into a worthless wimp. This constant need to numb my emotions is getting to me. Because once I have that first toke, once I'm high, all those "Ohhh... I regret this so much, I need to quit" thoughts are just that... thoughts. I am what I do, not what I intend to do or how I feel. I am what I do. Period.

So many of my "friends" stopped smoking. Every single one of them got a girl soon after and is now in a steady relationship. A couple of them now have children. But I am a jackass. I hate myself. I don't respect myself. I don't forgive myself for not knowing without having to learn, I don't forgive my past, I can't shake off the regret due to wasted opportunities DUE TO THIS FU*KING SOUL-DESTROYING DRUG! So many relationships, so many dreams that went down the drain...

I'm the one who refuses to grow up. The one pathetic loser who still sees his self-destruction as an act of rebellion. What is this? The 1990's? Kurt Cobain is dead, man. No one cares if you decide to smoke joints or shoot heroin. It doesn't make you look cool or dangerous or mysterious or a misunderstood genius. It just makes you look like a child, an immature neckbeard who still lives with his parents and works a part-time job as a cashier. Smoking weed is not cool. It's just boring. No one likes stoners. No one. I need to internalize this. I become so much of a coward when I smoke. Always have. That's why I hide in my little corner. So I don't have to face reality.

I'm so sick of pro-marijuana discourse everywhere I turn. I find myself agreeing more and more with the "squares", the right-wing "lunatics" who have been warning us for the past 50 or 60 years about the dangers of moral relativism. I'm sick of being "feminine" in the way I think. Nothing is concrete, everything is fleeting and ethereal. I'm sick of not being able to ever think in black and white, of always finding some intellectual bullsh*t to counter my previously established conclusions. It's not enough for me to feel in my skin that weed is bad. I need scientific literature to back it up. I can't believe how much of a moron I am, sometimes. Does my personal experience count for nothing?

I'm just so sick of it, you guys. So yeah... Today I got home, with my hash in my pocket and I went to my basement like I always do... Then I started rolling a joint and then my whole body started tensing, like it is trying to tell me something. So I had to scream. Loud. I threw the tobacco in my hand to the floor. Not even crying this time, just rage and hatred. I still have my stuff. I want to prove myself I can do this. Otherwise, what's the point? If the only reason I don't smoke is because I don't have any then it will be just a matter of time till I buy some more.

I just feel like punching hippies and pro-marijuana college kids who've been toking it for two, three years tops and want to teach me about the benefits of marijuana and I how I was brainwashed into believing that I have a problem with hash. :evil:

If I listen to anyone else using the words "Corporations" or "Big Pharma" I swear I'm gonna go Columbine on their asses. DO YOU GUYS HAVE ANY IDEA OF LUCRATIVE THE CANNABIS BUSINESS IS? DO YOU KNOW HOW SICK I AM OF LISTENING TO PRO-MARIJUANA LOBBYISTS TALKING ABOUT ALCOHOL AND TOBACCO COMPANIES WHEN MARIJUANA IS (NOT WILL BE, IS!!!) A BIG BUSINESS ITSELF?

Where do you guys think all this pro-marijuana propaganda you see everywhere all of a sudden comes from? Isn't it a little bit too suspicious that marijuana is now being legalized when so much bad stuff is being done by the Obama administration (basically Bush 2.0). There are people out there being paid to spread misinformation, to divert your eyes away from the real issues. There are interest groups out there who want you to smoke marijuana all day erry day and it's not because they want world peace, it's because they want your money.

So yeah... I didn't smoke today. But this doesn't feel like a victory. I'm sick of this "celebrate every little step" mentality. Because it never worked for me. As a matter of fact, the more people congratulate me the more I want to throw it all to waste. I'm addicted to failure, I'm addicted to letting others down. I'm addicted to the rush you get when you decide to turn your life around. It's all an act, with me.

Today I won't smoke but I feel that as long as I don't HATE the drug I won't be able to get rid of it. I already hate the people who make a lifestyle out of it but the substance in itself... I still can't hate it. I want to, though.

Thank you Fabulous, HDog and New Year for your replies. If it weren't for you guys replying I'd probably just have smoked. I mean it.
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#5

Postby Fackeffaced » Sat Feb 15, 2014 3:58 am

You need a full recovery. Good luck to you.
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#6

Postby Fabulous Furnace » Sat Feb 15, 2014 6:55 am

You're right about the fact that the longer we smoke MJ, the more we lose of ourselves.

I realize that MJ comes from a plant. The plant doesn't tell me to smoke, it doesn't make me feel nervous when my stash is getting low, it doesn't make me fore-go friends and family... THC has been around longer than humans have been around.

It's me that wants to smoke more and more. It's me that spends a lot of cash getting high. It's me that wants to escape from reality. It's me that is the problem.
I medicated my anger and discontent instead of dealing with it.
we are complex beings so I try to distill my life down to its essence. If I remain sober today, that's good enough for right now.
I like your posts because they are real and raw.

FF
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#7

Postby Fackeffaced » Sat Feb 15, 2014 7:48 am

Yes the one who blame is us, addiction is a matter of choice.
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#8

Postby Memory Shell » Sun Feb 16, 2014 6:34 am

Thank you for your replies, Fabulous and Faced. But the truth is I relapsed... :( I hate giving you these bad news but I refuse to lie or just leave this forum like countless times before.

HDog mentioned something very important about me doing this half-heartedly. I suppose he's right. I think my cynicism is also an obstacle to self-improvement. I need to work on my attitude.

I don't want to be too descriptive but in all honesty I have a "double addiction", them being pornography and hash. I almost can't separate the two. Not even joking. The rush it gives me is just unexplicable, smoking a big fat joint while watching porn? I forget about myself, my current conditions... I become pure vision, a pure spectator. I completely detach myself from the world, for 30, 40 minutes at least twice a day. As you can imagine, the aftermath of these sessions is the most terrible part of it all. The dopamine(?) crash... The realization that you're alone, that that pretty girl on the screen is out there, living her life like a normal human being should be.

It just feels so wrong... Not on a moral level or anything but as matter of self-respect. It's humiliating. Like I said in my previous post, there's a certain disdain for myself in my actions. I need to realize what that is all about.

I swear I don't like to place blame on anyone else (or marijuana itself, for that matter) so consider this as an admission of weakness on my behalf: I AM A SUCKER FOR PRO-MARIJUANA RETHORIC. The "reason" why I relapsed, the day after I wrote a post sh*tting on pro-pot hippies, was because I was reading some article about how marijuana is harmful to your memory (which is one of the main reasons I'm quitting) but there was a huge torrent of comments saying that the study was sponsored by an institute that is allegedly sponsored by an oil company and that institute (NIDA, I guess) is only allowed to perform studies actively trying to prove the harms of cannabis because it's a government agency yadda yadda hemp paper yadda yadda weed is illegal because racism in the 1930's and BAM... there I was rationalizing that it is okay for me to be stoned because fight the power!

Pathetic, right? The fact that I know what I'm doing and still do it? I'm not beating myself over it or anything. I'm actually quite amused at my ability to lie and manipulate myself. Is this what weed does to people? Were you also like this at some point? Weak-willed? Like, stupidly weak-willed, a slave to impulses? How do you guys deal with that? And how do you guys deal with the constant "10 scientific reasons why you should smoke more weed" articles everywhere on the net, even mainstream sources - SPECIALLY MAINSTREAM SOURCES! Do you just ignore it? Do you still read it but are confident that your experience outweights whatever some dude in a labcoat has to say?

I want to achieve that that groundness, that self-assuredness.

F*ck it. Day 1.
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#9

Postby olskoolru » Mon Feb 17, 2014 3:57 am

You will eventually have to be 100% and just stick to it no matter how f***ing hard it is. There is no "half-assing" this. Either you are in it to win it or you will fail and feel miserable about it. Took me 20 years. Sometimes you have to go through a recovery as tough as mine to finally appreciate what this drug can so to your mind. I never knew how horrific the withdrawals would be and how long they could last. No one ever warned me. Well, I'm warning you right now.

OSR
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#10

Postby Furtive » Mon Feb 17, 2014 1:09 pm

Blimey.

Yes, MShell, I DO UNDERSTAND HOW LUCRATIVE THE CANNA INDUSTRY IS.

I completely understand where you're coming from
with hating the delusion and misinformation that keeps people justifying their habit
to themselves and others.
I particularly hate the "we the people"/"fight the power" activism.

I totally understand how it's possible to feel like that
yet still get high every day.

For me, the strength to quit came from a sudden realisation that I literally couldn't finish writing a book I was working on - I needed more brainpower/short term memory to finish it up.
2 years work was sitting unfinished, owing me money, if I didn't quit. Eventually my missus would leave me if I didn't put her before my habit. I knew I had to quit but there I was huffing away on the vape, giggling, alone, about nothing I could be proud of.
Finally I saw some genuine signs of psychosis setting in
and that was enough for me.
Anything is better than mental illness.

In the end, you're on your own, and there is no-one that can stop you being alone.
You seem to realise this but be unable to act on it.

Graham Hancock found his quit through Ayahuasca. Iboga is a similar option. Not pleasant or recreational - they are a shocking, near-death experience and you should only do this with experienced 'staff' to guide you through it.
It's only just gaining medical recognition in Europe, even though hallucinogens were known to help break heroin addiction 30 years ago….. very frustrating and I've had it in the ear for recommending it before.
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#11

Postby Memory Shell » Thu Feb 27, 2014 4:18 am

Time to grow up.
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#12

Postby SOARin2014 » Thu Feb 27, 2014 7:28 am

Hi I was GNg on 13 years and 31 now. Feel u. I'm 6 days down!! Keep strong!!!!
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#13

Postby Memory Shell » Tue Mar 18, 2014 4:57 pm

I keep failing, everybody. :?

Hope you guys are doing great.
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#14

Postby SOARin2014 » Tue Mar 18, 2014 6:37 pm

MemoryShell. I relapsed for years. YOu have to have it in yourself that you are ready and give it your all. Don't get down on yourself and forgive yourself. the fact you want to stop means that you are all I had to actually come clean and tell my family, that helped. And the motivation to have a clean body and be ready to get pregnant.
What are some of your reasons you want to quit? Either make a note or note on here so we can keep reminding you :) Also write a list of alternative behaviors when wanting to smoke.. taking a walk, jounaling, reading, watching shows, going out with a friend for coffee or happy hour, coming to this forum, etc etc. Keep that list handy. You can do this...trust me if we can you can.
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