12 year habit... Feeling REALLY lost...

#120

Postby Bevano84 » Thu Sep 03, 2015 5:13 pm

Glad I wasn't holding my breath!!! :wink:

What's on your mind?

f**ks knows where I am, I've got too much going on to have time to worry if I'm smoking too much weed.

But more often than not I feel guilty and pist at myself when smoked, not as much as l used too...But I used to smoke loads more

So the answer is in the above, still more negative than positive.
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#121

Postby Memory Shell » Tue Sep 08, 2015 5:19 am

Bevano84 wrote:What's on your mind?


There is this sense of impending doom that permeates my thoughts. Like I'm living in Hell right now and being unable to ever change is a self-imposed torture. Sobriety is like a mirage in a desert, something you walk towards to all your life but never really achieve it. I feel powerless. Demotivated. I keep reading these stories about guys who quit - 5, 8, 12 years later! - but then you see these guys saying "28 year addiction HELP!!" and you're just like "Wow, man! Why can't I be smart and avoid that inevitability? Me, a grown a$$ man, still lurking the same forums I did as a kid! Wake up, man!". When will it be MY TURN, you know? When will I achieve success? The answer lies within my actions and no one else's. I know that. The problem has to do with a fear of change, a misplaced fear of success or "making it". I mean, think about it, when you're a loser, no one cares, right? No one expects nothing from you - but when you're doing ok, you have to work to maintain that chit. And smoked up or not, I'm a fuk up. I have the mentality of a fuk up and I have to work hard to become a man. As in confident in my own skin.

Right now I don't brush my teeth and work as a cashier (lol...), I eat like a horse, I smoke so much hash I reach a point I can't think properly anymore. I stare at things, lost in my thought. I think I have low testosterone or something. But I know this is just me trying to blame something other than the addiction.

Recently I've done a gram of MDMA alone at my house (snorted) in a couple of days and it was great.... but I'm still fuking fat and demotivated and that always brings me down. What about you, man?
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#122

Postby Memory Shell » Tue Sep 08, 2015 5:24 am

I know I'm gonna make it one day, but when? I'm becoming impatient with myself.
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#123

Postby Introspectah » Wed Sep 09, 2015 11:38 am

Memory Shell wrote:I know I'm gonna make it one day, but when? I'm becoming impatient with myself.


Do you want assistance or are you going to keep on wading in self-loathing, my man?
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#124

Postby Memory Shell » Mon Sep 28, 2015 1:49 am

I realize I would be a much better person if I didn't smoke. It's not that my life would turn around by itself but I would feel more impetus to... just do it. Just do what needs to be done. I love you, Introspectah. You're a good guy. But I "don't need help". Unless you can help me to love myself. And when I say love myself I don't mean that I hate myself. Yes, I do not value myself enough but it's mostly a matter of me being completely nihilistic. I find no value in nothing and that includes myself. I think depression has something to do with it, with not finding meaning in things, not even happiness or stability. Long-term rewards do not attract me. I am stuck in the eternal present. I need to get out of my head for a while and contemplate the bigger picture. Like I said before, I know what needs to be done, I just need to do it. The thing is... why the delay? Why am I avoiding the "inevitable"?
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#125

Postby Introspectah » Wed Oct 07, 2015 11:58 pm

Memory Shell wrote:I realize I would be a much better person if I didn't smoke. It's not that my life would turn around by itself but I would feel more impetus to... just do it. Just do what needs to be done. I love you, Introspectah. You're a good guy. But I "don't need help". Unless you can help me to love myself. And when I say love myself I don't mean that I hate myself. Yes, I do not value myself enough but it's mostly a matter of me being completely nihilistic. I find no value in nothing and that includes myself. I think depression has something to do with it, with not finding meaning in things, not even happiness or stability. Long-term rewards do not attract me. I am stuck in the eternal present. I need to get out of my head for a while and contemplate the bigger picture. Like I said before, I know what needs to be done, I just need to do it. The thing is... why the delay? Why am I avoiding the "inevitable"?


Look, every single facet of your manifold distress can be traced back to your roots in this particular existence, which have sprung from the soil sustained by your parents.

I cannot help you indeed, and it is wise of you to realize that.
What i can do is provide you views into my perception of reality which, if you find certain reference points you're able to relate to, might create the opportunity to erect some temporary bridges which you could cross every now and then; in search of replenishment, nurture and compassionate support.

So while i cannot help you, and certainly can't force you into compliance, i can stimulate you so that you help your self by scrutinizing the value and relevance of what i have to say.
And all that i'd broach to you is so delightfully simple in essence, only as complex as you make it out to be.

Can't say much more for i'm not aware whether or not this post will have provoked you into reconsidering your stance, but let me open up a small window:
When i decide to take a closer look at my preferences, values, personality traits, various modes of behaviour or what not, i temporarily darken the most frequented room of my perception and rely on the specific hue of parenthood to shine this light upon obscure spots within the picture in order to unveil the connection which had been hidden in plain sight all along.
That is to say, when i take the time to investigate and re-evaluate my memories i stand in awe at the revelation that what i've come to see as the development of my personality has largely been molded by the (in)direct and (in)voluntary decisions my parents have made upon me.

I could write a book on this topic, but evidently have to keep it short here, though i'm a bit scrambled at the moment so i'm not exactly sure what to include or leave out.

Suffice to say for now, i discovered that subconsciously i have been attracted to women who remind me of my mother in one or more ways; and that the seemingly natural sense of worth that has carried me through troublesome times is all due to regular or even constant positive affirmation by my mother while [i was] growing up; and, on the other side, that she unwittingly taught me by example how to emotionally manipulate people into obeying my will (when i was morally immature)...all this without any of us being aware of the transaction of belief, knowledge and preference that occured between parent & child.

Justt a few disparate illustrations of how parents shape our lives, and when we remain unaware of the magnitude of this parental influence which has directly determined the course of our lives, we are doomed to live out a myth we cannot imagine, until we finally decide to dislodge our most familiar point of view in which we've been entangled, so that we grow the ability to perceive our selves as a dependent organism as opposed to a singular microbe utterly detached from a hostile cosmos.

All begins with your parents, so when you feel lost, retreat; revisit.
If [they're] currently unavailable for hearing or unwilling to care, then retreat into the memories you have and just observe them, at least.
You might've lost interest in everything life has to offer but i'm sure you'll cherish at least some childhood memories
At any rate, certain ones will stand out, and those offer a complimentary way to commence your journey into the dark, seemingly hostile yet harmless depths of your soul.

A daunting challenge to many it may seem, i'm aware of that, but that's the only way forward if you want to make something out your manifold potentials in this life.

It's never too late.
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#126

Postby Memory Shell » Mon Sep 19, 2016 2:31 am

Lately I've been having this problem where I go to the bathroom frequently but I hardly pee. No pain at all, I just feel like taking a huge leak but end up only peeing a little, even though I drink lots of water. Sometimes I go back to my room and when I lay down on my bed I notice a huge stain of pi$s on my pajamas, that I didn't even feel leaking.

I guess this is it. Prostate cancer or some sh*t like that. My brother had some complications with his testicles, and I guess my father too at some point. I'm trying to be light-hearted about this but I definitely need to make an appointment with the doctor but coming to terms with that fact fills me up with a sense of dread I can't describe. I feel like I'm falling through a cliff, even though I'm comfortably installed on my bed.

Even though I have been blessed with the possibility to enjoy life, unlike many poor souls who would give anything to be on my privileged position, I feel like disaster is always lurking around the corner. I feel like life is a joke that is waiting for me to get my sh*t back together and be happy before it delivers the punchline: testicle removed, car accident, amputation, facial disfigurement, paralyzed, unable to move, kept alive against my will, kidnapped, tortured, mugged, stabbed, gang stalked, etc.

Fear has been ruling my life the last 6 or 7 years in particular. All of this was triggered by a couple of bad situations on LSD and a very specific and detailed online death threat against my family I received right after smoking a joint, that left me shook up for quite some months, until I started reading on the subject of online trolling and talking to people and realized how unfounded my concerns were. I have this thing where I build up monsters in my head very easily, tempest in a teapot. The only benefit of suffering so much in anticipation is that by the time I have to face the monster I face it with a need for vengeance. Usually the monster turns out not to be a monster at all, just a creepy shadow.

The Internet has definitely been a bad influence on my sanity. I've come in touch with things I... I can't even talk about. I guess we all have at some point. Humanity can be so sick and nature, reality itself, so callous and implacable. I sometimes wonder why so many people seem to not have feelings for anything they deem below them. I've seen beheadings and animal torture sh*t that broke my soul. At some point I was animated by the strange conviction that if I came in contact with the worst of the world I would eventually become Rambo, tough as nails. In a way I've become more comfortable with my own potential for barbarity, even though I take pride in letting a moral stance guide my behaviors. But sometimes I slip in my own way. We all do, right? We all have skeletons in the closet, right?

This line from the movie The Talented Mr. Ripley describes in a good way the way I usually feel:

"Whatever you do, however terrible, however hurtful, it all makes sense, doesn’t it? In your head. You never meet anybody who thinks they’re a bad person… Don’t you just take the past and put it in a room, in the basement, and lock the door and never go in there? That’s what I do. And then you meet someone special and all you want to do is toss them the key and say "open up, step inside". But you can’t. Because it’s dark and there are demons and if anybody saw how ugly it is… I keep wanting to do that: fling the door open, just let the light in and clean everything out."

I guess a lot of you can relate to this.

As to my, I guess prostate, problems... I think they are related with my daily habit of smoking hash and cigarettes and fapping to porn at the same time, sometimes for hours, sometimes multiple times a day, for the last... 13 years? 14? There were months, years of my life where practically every single time I smoked a joint alone I would fap to "take the edge off". I guess the chickens have come home to roost... The excess, the smoke. I'm not invincible. I'm not 19 anymore.

I'm anxious. And scared. In a couple of days I'll be moving to a new town to study. I'm almost 30 years now. Still a bum. I'm getting a little more responsible, more... clean, I guess. More mentally developed. I tidy up my stuff now. I'm learning to incorporate the "habit" comfortably into my life. This worries me. I've been thinking a lot about quitting lately. If I keep smoking there's a huge, huge, huge possibility I will end up reclusive in my own house and in my own mind, afraid of the outside world, afraid of making friends, socializing, meeting girls, etc.

I genuinely hope everyone here is doing fine.
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#127

Postby Memory Shell » Thu Sep 29, 2016 5:34 pm

Went 5 days without smoking.

Terrible night terrors the first 2 nights. Subsided considerably on the third one. Vivid dreams nonetheless... but totally manageable.

Then, for four days now I've been smoking a bowl of weed at night. The boredom gets to me.

I have no real relation with the people on my class. I'm a 29 year old MAN in the middle of 18-20 year old girls... Only one boy so far, who is 22, and 4 or 5 more boys are still to come (after the hazing period).

This other boy on my class is your typical gamer / stoner. I see the look girls give him when he starts talking about video games and he's totally oblivious to it. God blessed him. I was in his house a few hours ago. He rolled a cheap hashish blunt. It smelled terrible and I told him. "Let me try that", though. Gave two puffs, tasted horrible. Then he was telling me about the new FIFA game and as I'm listening to him talking about football players I have no idea who they are, I'm just nodding my head and replying on cue, all the while thinking to myself "What the f*ck, man? Why are you back in this martyrdom?", so I left after a while with some bullsh*t excuse about having to drive back to my home town (in reality I'll only go tomorrow cuz now I'm stoned...).

Ever since I got here, there's this loop on my head constantly reminding me "Show me who hang with and I'll tell you who you are", "Show me who hang with and I'll tell you who you are", "Show me who hang with and I'll tell you who you are"...

The only girls who talk to me now are the typical yeah yeah yeah "urban chicks" who are all about being cool and maintaining an image and what not. I WANT TO HANG AROUND THE NORMAL GIRLS!!!! I'm so sick of this tendency to connect immediately with the people who can't shut up about Techno parties and name-dropping and saying how young they started smoking joints and "OMG I'm like... so wild and sh*t... not like those girls over there who don't even smoke cigarettes or f*ck around..."

This one 12/10 model chick with a boyfriend back home invited ME to have dinner in her house. I was disgusted, the moment I found out she has a bf. I declined of course. I would "murder" any woman who betrayed me, so I won't do the same to other men. But DAMN IS SHE FUC*KING HOT!!!! Almost 1500 followers of fb. You know the type. I don't even have a facebook.

The first week only I and a handful of well-behaved normal girls went to class. They were okay with me hanging around, even though I'm much older than them. (I'm not your typical douche who is into naive teenage chicks.) But ever since the other "street-smart" girls joined the class, the "good girls" I met first started giving me the cold shoulder because my presence attracts the presence of those other superficial girls who are mainly concerned with status and fashion. And I don't want to be friends with the """""cool kids"""". I really fu*king don't!!! I want to be friends with the normal girls, the ones who don't smoke, don't drink, that don't cheat on their boyfriends like it's nothing.

Sorry about the off topic rant. I will update soon. With good news, I hope. I won't ever quit trying. I don't want to be over-30 and still smoking this sh*t. I have to stop being afraid of growing up, of changing. :?
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#128

Postby Introspectah » Tue Nov 08, 2016 12:25 pm

'


Well well, Memory Shell, if this isn't a synchronous connection!

In a less convoluted way i can relate to certain predominant themes that underly your first post mainly.
Hence i feel quite adequately positioned to fulfill a direly needed role of counsel and feedback in your life.

I want to delve straight in and break down your post with meaningful commentary but i'm keeping in mind the possibility that you might not return to lay eyes upon my response, hence i'll be cutting short on a response which would otherwise in detail display how compatible our perspectives can turn out to be here.

______________________________________________

This particular segment piqued my attention first of all:

I feel like disaster is always lurking around the corner. I feel like life is a joke that is waiting for me to get my sh*t back together and be happy before it delivers the punchline: testicle removed, car accident, amputation, facial disfigurement, paralyzed, unable to move, kept alive against my will, kidnapped, tortured, mugged, stabbed, gang stalked, etc.


Usually when a (wo)man who oughta be functionally grown up but is lacking the drive or determination to carry his convictions through, finds himself stuck in stasis in spite of wanting to reverse the tide, we can safely assess that we're dealing with arrested development.

Give this article of writing a chance:
http://www.simplypsychology.org/Erik-Erikson.html

In order for a man, who is expected to have matured, to stay glued to the ceiling of one stage of his development through which he oughta have (at least largely) transitioned by now, there needs to stand a rockweight in place, tied 'round his ankles---for the sake of visualization---which prevents him from pursuing his ambitions that intend to lure his ascenscion of growth.


This ''rock-weight''; chain or anchor, has been put into place for a very purposeful reason, as often arrested development can be interpreted as a full-stop emergency brake that is issued by the unconscious instinct as it has autonomously detected certain sensitive tissue has been severely damaged, so the system will maintain emergency status or will stay in survival mode until the driver of the car finally decides to heed the instinct's call to emergency and pulls over the vehicle and breaks open the hood in order to identify the cause of malfunction.

The real malady of this age, at least one of the more insidiously underestimated facets of disharmonious existence, has been brought about by a culturally encouraged neglect of our own psyche in favour of abandoning one self to society's well-approved stream of hedonism, in a lifestyle of self-negligence, to which i can relate greatly, concerning the theme you've depicted.

So then i add approval to your analysis of your degree of influence over the continuation of your phobia which, as you have come to find out, is largely perpetuated by continuous streams of self-doubt and excessive analysis; over-consideration.

Ever acquainted with the lectures of Alan Watts?
You might find great merit in them.


_________________________________________

And if you ever decide to respond receptively to my sign of interest, i would like to read your account of your LSD experience as i humbly find my self to be capable of reading quite deeply into the origins of certain phobias that are not caused by the drug itself but are rather induced out of the unconscious by virtue or, conversely, under the perceived damage of LSD's intoxication.


Ah... i am so enthusiastic, for lack of a more suitable term, perhaps eager, determined, moved to seize the opportunity---if it ever will present itself, to coincide and establish some sort of connection which i am 100 ¨% sure would benefit you if you only would/will be willing to give your self fully to this cause.

Even if you would not (immediately) dare to delve straight into shadow work, as the prospect can understandably be immensely daunting, i reckon you might find in me an excellent partner to converse certain controversial ideas with; subjects you'd hesitate to disclose to anyone else as they would not seem aptly qualified to stay level with you, or as they would not make you feel at ease, or due to whatever other feeling of discomfort.

Genuinely hope you'll read this and will feel inclined to give in.

My heart goes out to you.
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#129

Postby Betsy90 » Sat Nov 12, 2016 2:44 pm

As most people say, environment is the most important thing when it comes to smoking. How much people around you value their health. That kind of global mentality can drastically affect the way you think.
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