The day only starts with the first hit!!

Postby Bevano84 » Thu May 08, 2014 12:04 pm

Sat here in agony, the pain in my heart is indescribable, eyes so full... brimming!!

Why am I sat here 11am Wednesday (work from home) looking at my 10 week old son F**KING STONED!!

Hiding its all I do, 15 years ago it all seemed fine, but I'm 30 this year. All the potential in the world, but my path has always been the easiest!! I hate myself for it!!

Been reading this forum for 6 months, and when I found out 5 months ago my dad and best friend has incurable cancer, all I wanted was to be able to deal with it and support him, but it's another excuse to go into myself, analyse it to F**King death and do nothing!!

F**King Groundhog day!!!!

Need to move forward, I have tried/used and abused most drugs known to man but only one seems to control me!!! I hate it!!

I feel I'm an intelligent man and most certainly can not fool myself with pretend positives, so instead I do it and despise myself.

I believe inside "somewhere" I have a big heart so why can't I beat this affliction?? The LIES and FANTASY has to stop!!! I now have a child, life is not the same game I thought it was...

DON'T TREAT YOUR EXISTANCE WITH RESPECT, DONT EXPECT SELF RESPECT IN YOUR EXISTANCE!!!


The above post I wrote after my last smoke one week ago, and I have managed to stay clean!! One other unexpected gain, I have always had a bit of an obsession with gambling on horses, I haven't thought about it once in the last week!! Obviously worked well with the isolated life of a long term pothead!!

My grandad died last night in his sleep we were very close but I feel my new found mental clarity helped this morning when I received the call...

The daily ups and downs are incredible, but I will no longer continue with my Q a week habit!! I also have pains in my ribs, aching joints and was suffering with head aches when I smoked so my love affair is a long time over ... It's just abuse now!!!

I have only ever had one break over 3 years ago for 3 months, but really just substituted it for two bottles of wine a night or half a bottle of whiskey a night!! So no drink either!!

I have felt positive already, but the mood swings are horrid, loss of appetite at first but after a week it has come back!! And for the first time ever I am hungry for breakfast!!

The dreams are incredible and I can accept the night sweats ( I'm sure I can smell cannabis in my body odour!!) I just want to be present in the only moment that matters.... NOW!!!

I can only thank from the bottom of my heart, my faceless comrades on this site who have been an inspiration!! Your all give clarity to my objective!!!

Reaching out to you all, look forward to advice and just means a lot to be heard I could speak to my mates about this!!!

Much Love to All
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#1

Postby Bevano84 » Thu May 08, 2014 3:22 pm

Couldn't speak to my friends... I mean
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#2

Postby thislifeismine » Thu May 08, 2014 3:57 pm

Dude im the same. I had a kid 10mo ago and i said i was gonna quit smoking when he was born. Here i am. Its crazy how out of alcohol and everything else. Its the weed thats killing us lol
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#3

Postby Bevano84 » Thu May 08, 2014 4:46 pm

Easy dude, good to see a reply...

Yes from 18-24 I was an absolute fiend on the powder, snorting upto 2 ounce a month!!! The thing is you hit rock bottom and quit or..., I will always have sinus issues.... Even tried heroin over a few months in mid teens... But left it behind little Issue!!!

Weed is so cunning it slowly steals your existance/identity and you constantly say its only a smoke, it probably makes me a nicer dude bla bla bs!!!

Well no longer!!! I'm going to start practising Self discipline - It's the only way I will start liking / respecting myself once more... can't stop crying but who wants to restrict their emotions they will balance out eventually!!!

How's your story progressing? Day 8 here!!
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#4

Postby Bevano84 » Thu May 08, 2014 5:47 pm

Thislifeismine - I think your reply on biggies thread was meant for here.... Day 1 is tough!! But remember if it's hard you will remember the resolve it takes!! The motivation will come from having self discipline and proving to yourself you can do it!!! Every morning I feel so proud it drives me... You can do it mate I'm only at the beginning and am certainly no expert (in any subject)... That empty feeling in the pit of your stomach is the worst!!!

Just had my girlfriend break down on me and say when will you have any time for me!!! Hard... But maybe now for the first time in my life I will not be so selfish!!!

Here if you need me bud!!
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#5

Postby Bevano84 » Thu May 08, 2014 7:13 pm

Just had one of my manic attacks came from nowhere, a feeling of where is my next high going to come from? A feeling despair if I think about it too much I start shaking but within 5 mins it moved on... Almost like a nicotine craving!!!But after reading the suggested link below I know what to tell myself it really helps!!! I think this was posted by lostintime...

Won't let me post untrusted newbee!!! It is available if I remember correctly on brother bobs thread!!! Well worth a read to find anyway... Great bloke!!

Was Actually a the thread I read on day one when trying to sleep ( which seemed pointless!!!!)

I now feel great in the time it took to post this!!! Every bridge I cross seems to make me feel stronger!! This is the reason I deleted all my dealers numbers on day one... The need passes!!

Didn't stop me trying to phone my mobile provider for a breakdown of numbers I rang in the last two months on day 2!!!! Ha ha... Luckily they are useless and said I would have within 48 hrs... Still not arrived!!! For once thanks 3!!!
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#6

Postby thislifeismine » Thu May 08, 2014 7:18 pm

Im not doing good. I ended up missing work. Horrible lack of motivation, anxiety, was gaging trying to eat. Felt very dizy almost lost. this is going to be much harder than i thought..Then missing work made me feel guilty. I smoked an oz and a half a week for 4 years. (ill be 24 this month) smoked a little less from 16 to 20. Idk im thinkin i need to slow it down first. Maybe only smoke at night for a week then try.
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#7

Postby Bevano84 » Thu May 08, 2014 7:33 pm

Buddy you must have a high tolerance!!! That must be expensive aswell I've been steady on oz to oz n half a month for years!! But I top the high up with whiskey at nights!!! Because of cause you can't drink and drive but you can smoke n fly!! Ha ha!!

Mate only you know your path... But I knew I would be kidding myself cutting down!!! I just wanted to get that thc out of my body!!! Don't beat yourself up I know that's easier said than done but a positive attitude is critical, just running out of weed for example... For me... Would bever of worked!!!

Chin up buddy... We know the result we want... And we are fathers we have every reason in the world to do this!!!
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#8

Postby Bevano84 » Thu May 08, 2014 7:50 pm

'Discipline has been defined as self-denial. This requires that you deny yourself the easy pleasures, the temptations that lead so many people astray, and instead discipline yourself to do only those things that you know are right for the long term and appropriate for the moment.
Self-discipline requires delayed gratification, the ability to put off satisfaction in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term.'
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#9

Postby thislifeismine » Thu May 08, 2014 8:38 pm

Its like mid grade. And yea i spent around 900 a month. Thnk you. Ireally needed that
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#10

Postby Bevano84 » Thu May 08, 2014 8:47 pm

This seems a silly positive but I have just received new passports for girlfriend her daughter and our son ready for this summers holiday abroad... I was kind of dreading it... Carrying abroad as I would of had to of done... The thought of if I would of been caught (which actually happend once at Barcelona airport to me)... How embarrassing she is 8!!! Also going away with my gf's mum and dad to lakes for a week in October and I had been thinking how am I going to smoke successfully there? It's 5 months away and things like this worry me!!! This new chronic we smoke is heavy it's no soft drug!!!

God I hope my strength stays going forward!!!
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#11

Postby Bevano84 » Thu May 08, 2014 9:04 pm

Thistimeismine - anytime!! I have just whispered into my babies ear that I promise to rid myself of this burden!!! The tears came... Well time for my camomile tea, hardcore hey!!! Ha ha... Mate just tell yourself I'm having a break and keep extending it this seems to have helped a lot of the wise members in this forum and I am too taking it day by day and will be able to pay myself on the back once more tomoz!!! I feel high at the moment on a feeling I'm so not accustom to - sober life!!!

Night bro speak soon
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#12

Postby Fabulous Furnace » Thu May 08, 2014 9:26 pm

Bevano-
Isn't it amazing how weed slowly takes your life away? That makes it so different from other drugs.
You are doing well and I can say that I still have crazy dreams but just not as disturbing or scary. Read thru my old posts and you'll see how bad off I was at first.
It gets better with time. I have 19 weeks and actually had a good nights sleep last nite. At times I still obsess on MJ but it passes.
You can do this. Just take it one day at a time.

FF
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#13

Postby Bevano84 » Thu May 08, 2014 10:10 pm

FF great to hear from you... Yes I am worried I may not be fully appreciative of what is to come, but I want to keep being positive and not worrying about something that has not yet shown its ugly head!!! Done too much analysing want to do more living in the now!!

I would like to know if anyone else has suffered with the shakes/muscle spasms whilst withdrawing?

I know I have damaged my lungs I get pains in my back and ribs front and back - SCARY!!!

Bought Alan carrs easy way to quit smoking so maybe the fags have to go aswell!!! My dad is like one at a time... but I kind of want to use the momentum!!

Will look at your thread tomorrow my friend

Cheers bro
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#14

Postby Bevano84 » Thu May 08, 2014 10:17 pm

FF - why I assume you are male I don't know... Sorry
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