Problems with my Little Sister

Postby connorbentley » Thu Jul 10, 2014 11:11 pm

Okay, just warning you this is going to be a long read, but I would appreciate any help I can get. First, I'm going to give you some background information so you can understand the situation better.

I'm a 16 year old guy, and my sister is 11. Back in 2009 my parent split up because my mom was having some serious alcoholic problems. She moved to Virginia, and I probably haven't seen her in over a year, so she is never around. It's a good thing that she is not around because she was a very bad influence on my little sister. We live with my dad full time. My dad owns a clothing store about 90 minutes away from our house. He started working full time when I got my license back in November of last year because he thought I could handle everything without needing him around. He works 7 days a week and leaves at 5:00 AM and gets back around 11:00 PM. Most of the time he will sleep in the back of the store. That leaves me in charge basically 100% of the time.

My sister, her name is Michelle, has always been a very bright and energetic kid. She started getting really bad nightmares when she was about five years old. She would sweat very heavily while sleeping and it always made her very uncomfortable. She also had a bad bed-wetting problem. She would usually go sleep in my mom's room when an incident occurred. When my parents divorced, she started sleeping with my dad. He was fine with it, but it usually made him lose a lot of sleep.

About three years ago I started to help my sister. When she would have a problem, I would come lay in bed with her and talk to her until she fell back asleep. Once I started doing this, she gradually started to change how she acted towards me. Whenever she saw me, she would run up to me and hug me. I didn't really mind it and I thought it was kind of cute, but it started getting to the point where I couldn't be around her without having her hug me and ask me to carry her around.

After about a year or two of this, she started getting more and more affectionate towards me. She started kissing me on the cheek all of the time and always wanted me to play games with her and tickle her. I love Michelle very much, but it was getting to be a bit much having her follow me everywhere and ask me to carry her places.

Around six months ago, she broke her arm along with her hand. It was during the night and she was taking a shower. I was in my room (Our rooms sit side by side with the bathroom connecting them together) and I was doing some homework when all of a sudden I heard a huge clunk in the shower. I then started hearing her cry and calling for help. I ran to the door and unlocked it with the key on top of the door frame and ran in there to help her. She had slipped and she banged her arm and hand against the back wall of the shower. This was the first time I had ever seen my little sister naked, and trust me, I felt very uncomfortable. But I knew that I had to put all of that aside and help her out. I picked her up and set her down on her bed. I then got some clothes for her and put them on her. I raced her to the hospital and took her to the emergency room. The doctor told me that she had broken her arm in the top part of her forearm and she had also cracked the bone on the top of her hand. She got a cast that reached from halfway down her upper arm to base of her fingers and it was at an angle so her elbow was bent at a 90 degree angle. She needed the cast for four weeks. When we got back into the car and went home all she did was thank me and tell me that I had saved her life.

The next four weeks were not very easy. I had to help her do basically everything. I had to help her cut and eat her food, I had to clean up after her, and I had to help her dress and undress. I hated doing it because it made me feel so awkward helping my little sister put her underwear and shirt on. I didn't have a problem doing any of this for her, though, because she always thanked me every time I did something for her and she was very sweet to me. I offered to start driving her to and from school and I said that I would carry her bags for her to class (She's in elementary school so I only had to carry them to one class) because my school starts an hour after hers does and it ends thirty minutes before hers does. She would always give me a hug and a kiss before she entered her classroom and I saw the other kids laughing at pointing when she did it. I didn't want her to be embarrassed or have other kids messing with her so I told her to get her hug and kiss in the car before we entered the building.

After four weeks she got her cast off and stopped having to rely on me for things, which I believe may have upset her. She seemed sad to get it off versus being happy which is how I expected her to be. I started noticing her ask for help with everyday activities which she didn't do before she had the cast. One morning, a few days after getting her cast off, she called me into her room and told me her arm was hurting and asked me to help her get dressed. After I reluctantly helped her dress I asked her if she needed to go back to the doctor but she said that the pain wasn't too bad and that she didn't need to see him again. After a few weeks, she had stopped her consistent attempts to get unneeded attention and things mostly got back to normal.

About three weeks ago, it was a normal night and she was sleeping in her room and I was in mine on my laptop. I started hearing her cry and I went into her room and sat down next to her and asked her if everything was alright. She told me she was having a really bad nightmare and she was too scared to sleep in her own room. She asked me if she could sleep in my room for the night and her presentation was too cute and I felt really bad for her so I let her sleep in my bed. During the night I noticed that she started holding onto me and trying to cuddle with me. I didn't really respond, but I let her sleep against me. The next night when she was ready for bed she came into my room and asked if it was okay for her to sleep in my bed again. I really didn't want her to, so I asked her nicely to try to sleep in her room and if she was having trouble she could come into my room and sleep in my bed. She looked really sad and said okay, and as she was walking back into her room I heard her start to cry. I felt horrible for sending her off and I went over to her and picked her up and carried her to my bed. I held her until she stopped crying and I told her I was sorry for upsetting her. She told me that she thought I didn't like her and that I didn't want her around. That was not the case at all, I just feel uncomfortable having her all over me at night when I'm trying to sleep. I talked to her and she explained to me how much more comfortable she was sleeping in my bed and she stopped having nightmares when she slept with me. She then asked me if she could just always sleep in my bed with me from now on, and I felt sorry for her and I had to say yes. I didn't want to upset her in any way or hurt her feelings.

When she was sleeping in my bed, I noticed that she was sweating very heavily and I had no idea why a skinny little girl would be sweating so much from just sleeping. I talked to her about it the next day and she told me that she has been sweating while sleeping for years and that it was always really uncomfortable. She told me that she would usually just sleep in her underwear in her bed. I really regretted asking her about it, because after that she asked me if it would be okay if she slept in my bed in just her underwear. I knew that it would be incredibly uncomfortable for me because of how much she likes to cuddle me and lay on me. I told her that it may make it uncomfortable for me and for her to try one more night to see if she sweated as much as she had been.

The next morning when I woke up, I noticed she had been sweating as much as she had been and when she woke up she said something like, "Yeah, I sweated as much as the night before... but I guess I will just have to deal with it... because..." and then she just buried her head in her pillow. After like 30 seconds she said to me, "Can I pretty pretty please just sleep in my underwear? I hate waking up in a puddle of sweat and with drenched clothes, and I know that you can't like sleeping in my sweat too!" and then she said, "And I would hate to have to sleep in my bed again because I know I won't feel safe and I will start having bad nightmares again". I thought about it and told her that we could discuss it while eating breakfast.

After considering it, I decided that I would let her sleep in her underwear, but she had to try to not lay against me and hug me at night. She asked me if the reason I didn't want her cuddling me was because I didn't like her, and she started crying, so I told her that I love her more that anyone else in the world (Which is true, my mom was never a very good mother and is far away, and I feel my dad doesn't even think we exist, which I'm fine with, because he isn't really a nice guy). I told her that if it meant that much to her that I would let her sleep in her underwear and let her cuddle with me at night. She brightened up and started hugging and kissing me and thanking me.

That night was not very easy. She undressed and got into bed with me. She doesn't wear a bra because her chest hasn't developed very much and she's still a little young for one, which made it even harder. She didn't act any differently, she kissed me on the cheek and told me goodnight and started doing her usual thing, which was cuddling me. It was incredibly uncomfortable for me and I didn't get very much sleep. She seemed to sleep fine, though, and I noticed that she had not been sweating when I woke up in the morning.

Up until now I've been trying to learn to deal with it. It has been very hard, and I've lost a lot of sleep over it, but my sister seems to be happier than I have ever seen her before. I guess things were going okay up until two nights ago. I woke up at about 3:00 AM and I needed to use the restroom. When I had woken up I realized that she was laying sideways and her behind was against the side of my face. That's when I realized that I couldn't do this any more. It makes me feel way too uncomfortable.

I just can't do this. It's all too much. She's consistently following me around hugging me, she probably kisses me on the cheek about five times a day, and she wants to sleep in my bed with me in just her underwear. It already scarred me enough having to carry her out of the shower naked along with having to help her get dressed for four weeks in a row. I know that I'm basically all she has and that if I start treating her differently she may get upset. I'll keep doing what I have been doing if it's the only way that I can prevent hurting her feelings, but I'd much rather have a much less affectionate relationship with her.

Someone please help me. Just please don't try to bring my parents into it. I can run the house just fine without my dad having to be around and I know that I care for my little sister more than he does. I just want a way to sort push my sister away a little bit. I'm fine with the occasional hug or kiss, but it's 24/7 right now. I also want to try to find a way that I can help her feel safe in her room so she doesn't have to keep sleeping with me, which is probably my biggest problem right now. I need to know a way to gently let her know I need some space. I can't watch TV without her running up to me and jumping onto my lap and trying to cuddle with me.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Jul 11, 2014 4:02 am

Connor,

There is one thing going on here that even adults, even the best of intentioned of parents struggle with and that is the fear of telling their child "no". It tugs on our emotions, we feel bad and can be afraid it may hurt them, especially if the child has or is going through a tough time.

Regardless, it is the job of the parent to do the right thing, put aside the fear and find the strength to tell the child no. This does not have to be done in a mean way. There are different ways of saying no. In the case of your sister, it means talking with her, explaining boundaries, explaining she is 11 and is old enough to sleep in her own bed, alone. From now on, the answer to you sleeping with her or her with you is no.
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#2

Postby JuliusFawcett » Sat Jul 12, 2014 7:24 pm

Changing your self talk makes a massive difference to your experience of the world. This video can help you, headphones recommended

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgzVZNP ... YwdCN2DLoN
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#3

Postby camexonda » Tue Jul 22, 2014 8:09 pm

JuliusFawcett, I don;t know your video does work for this thread's author or not but it works for me, it helps.
Thanks
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#4

Postby JuliusFawcett » Tue Jul 22, 2014 8:12 pm

Thanks for the appreciation =)
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#5

Postby camexonda » Tue Jul 22, 2014 8:23 pm

It's my pleasure :)
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#6

Postby WonderGurl » Tue Jul 22, 2014 9:06 pm

Connor, it must be tough having to take on the role of a parent to your little sister. It's something that a sixteen year old shouldn't have to go through.

I've kids myself, so I kind of know... i know it's been tough going for her, but so it has been for you. your sister needs boundaries. It's important you communicate to her that you will not be doing things for her that are age appropriate for her to do herself. Also, her sleeping in your bed is also inappropriate. I understand why you would have agreed to share your bed with her, but chances are pretty high she's hitting puberty now. You need to explain to her what is and stick with it. Keep in mind that children are also very manipulative to get their own way, so stay calm yet firm with her. Do not stop living your life because of your sister either.
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#7

Postby TheCloud » Tue Jul 22, 2014 11:07 pm

Can you tell us why your sister is so afraid to be alone? If you don't know, make an effort to find out. If you can teach your sister how to feel safe on her own, then you can start getting your life back as well, without having to condemn her to sweaty nightmares. You don't have to abandon her or be unnecessarily forceful in order to get what you want. You love her and don't want her to be afraid all the time; if you keep that in mind when you make your efforts, there's no reason this can't be resolved peacefully to everyone's satisfaction.
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#8

Postby bigbrother666 » Mon Sep 28, 2015 3:26 am

Has she ever been given the talk about "the birds and the bees"??
Maybe that'll be a more sensitive way of teaching her the awkward feelings and uncomfortablity that you feel and the problems with why her sleeping in your bed in her underwear.
I mean I feel that it could go one of two ways, either she doesnt get it or she understands that you still love her but her being naked and cuddling with you in your bed at night is not a normal brother sister thing and that it'll probably instigate a sexual relationship that wouldn't be healthy..
But either way it goes I'm pretty sure that puberty will make her interested in you as the person she learns from and result in you feeling strange and dirty..

Whatever you do I wish you the best of luck because this is one hell of a situation.
Luckily my sister and I were raised in two completely seperated states so I've never had this problem as intense as yourself.

Just try to explain everything about the differences of 'boys and girls' to her without her feeling unloved.
You're not just her big brother at this point, you've inherited your fathers position as well.
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#9

Postby jessicapuppy » Wed Sep 30, 2015 12:49 pm

Your Sister needs therapy, & your parents were the ones responsible for letting her get this far without it.
If she doesn't get it, she risks creating unhealthy dynamics not just with you, but with her future boyfriends etc.
She is also at risk of abuse from men, if she can't understand boundaries.
I suggest getting your Dad to get her into therapy, to help understand why she gets nightmares, as I suspect that they are the cause of her problems. Perhaps some trauma in her past has led to this.
Speak to her Doctor, to find a therapist for her. Although you are trying to help her by allowing her to sleep with you, you are not doing her or you any favours in the long run. You are enabling her in not confronting her problems.
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#10

Postby Danacovert82 » Wed Sep 30, 2015 3:39 pm

You need to tell her,"look, I know you love me, and feel you need help with everything. But, you need to know that you CAN do everything on your own. You're a smart girl, and I know you CAN make it on your own. Maybe I'll teach you to do things on your own. How's that sound? Hopefully it helps her know she CAN do things on her own. And tell her that "you don't need to be scared to be alone."
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#11

Postby Twister1565 » Mon Jul 31, 2017 9:40 am

I say if she keeps this up ask her what she wants and give it to her. You said that your dad doesn't think you exist so if she says s*x give her s*x. And if she wants it constantly give her it so she can be happy.
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#12

Postby Candid » Mon Jul 31, 2017 10:34 am

This is a very poor start to your membership, Twister1565.
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#13

Postby Sandwich » Tue Aug 01, 2017 8:58 am

I've read this story before. The OP has either posted it on UF before, or on another forum. Hmm...
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#14

Postby jessicapuppy » Tue Aug 01, 2017 10:00 am

Sandwich wrote:I've read this story before. The OP has either posted it on UF before, or on another forum. Hmm...


It's 2 years old, & Twister decided to add his bad advice to it & bring it to the front of the queue again.
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