when a friend is no real friend

Postby djenner » Sun Jul 13, 2014 1:40 pm

I'm a 32 yr old male, I'm single and I met a girl at a students job when I was 17. We had our first cellphones at the time and it was pretty cool to start text messaging. Way back then it felt like it was magical thing. She invited me over to her parents' place and I had this instant feeling: their vision on life in general is so different from mine.
Because I didn't have a great youth I was just happy that someone wanted to hang out with me, just because I was very insecure.
On sundays I wanted to go to the wood, go and learn how to play tennis, enjoying the wonders of nature while she just wanted to go to Macdonalds by car.
I also met her other friends and all of them were kinda outrageous with a very low IQ. I couldn't even understand what they were saying. They spent their downtime at a pub, started organizing burping and farting contests and she thought it was so much fun.

Over the years I've realized that I should have quit being in touch with her. But over the last15 years she's been calling me 3-4 times a day. She's constantly overpowering me with stupid explanations, she constantly tells me that she's had so many chances I haven't had ( she inherited money and my family always had a hard time making a living)

The thing is: she has a degree, speaks many languages, but when you talk to her, when you see her parents, friends, you think: is this real?
I've talked about this with psychologists and they all say: in the end it's your choice, you don't have to hang out with her. But after all those years it's become a part of my daily life. For a couple of time I said: we should stop hanging out, we are too different and are bringing each other down. Then she drives down to my house and says: I always defended you, my parents hate you, but have I ever stopped hanging out with you?

Another example: yesterday I talked with her about healthy nutrition without taking it to extremes, saying that balance is very important. She replied: oh you stupid man with your seeds, I am human, you're a bird, my uncle is 95, he smokes and eats pizza everyday. Healthy lifestyle, my donkey, it's all nonsense, but you are so stupid that you believe in it. That is your biggest problem. You believe in stupid things.

She once saw a counseller and was told that she should get rid of her burping and farting friends and start seeing other people, more intelligent people. She found a pretty intelligent guy on a dating website, they had been together for a couple of weeks and then he said: STOP. We are too different. On just their second date, he was introduced to her friends and that must have shocked him, but he hadn't known her for 15 years, so it was way much easier for him.

I know that the solution is: stop calling, stop answering calls, not opening your door when she rings your bell,.....but it's just me: why am I not able to defend myself when she opens up her big mouth? Because I know she's not able to have a decent higher leveled conversation?
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#1

Postby SelfHelpTrends » Sun Jul 13, 2014 2:30 pm

Hi djenner,

The reason why you are having these issues is because you are trying to impose your value system on her and she is trying to impose her value system which is different from yours on you. That explains why you two are having conflicts.

The best way is to accept her for who she is because you can never change what another person values unless he or she is willing to do so.

You can check out this "YOUR VALUES DICTATE YOUR DESTINY EBOOK" to find out more on how to do this to improve your relationship with her. Just do a Google search for it because I am not allowed to put a link here.

Edmund
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#2

Postby djenner » Sun Jul 13, 2014 3:00 pm

Thank you so much, selfhelptrends.

The thing that bothers me the most, is the lack of respect I feel. She's overpowering me in a conversation. I know she's not right. When she's saying: sports is a waste of time because I know a cyclist having died of heart problems. then she wants me to say: you're right.
Some things like religion are not measurable but when she's saying she knows lying on your couch is better than hiking, then I'm like: why am I wasting my time on this?
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#3

Postby WonderGurl » Sun Jul 13, 2014 3:50 pm

Yes, why are you wasting your time with her? What is it that you are getting out of the relationship with her? What need does she satisfy?

On the surface it looks like a shallow high conflict friendship, but obviously there is something you are getting out of hanging out with her that stops you from moving away from her. If you start asking the right questions, soon you'll find your answers.
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#4

Postby melo » Sun Jul 13, 2014 7:18 pm

Hi djenner,

I agree with both SelfHelpTrends and WonderGurl.

You should find out why you are hanging out with her . What is the hidden benefit you are getting out of her?
Because this benefit makes you keep the friendship with her. If you cut the benefit off or replace it with another thing, you will feel the power within yourself that forces you getting away from her.

There is a guru called Anthony Robbins and I love his books. I highly recommend you read his book which is Unlimited Power . You can learn stop doing things that you want to give up so much with getting the same benefits but from other things.

Melo
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#5

Postby djenner » Mon Jul 14, 2014 10:08 am

Thank you so much, I really appreciate your help.
Last night she was on the phone, she told me she applied for many jobs but the answer has been negative all the time.
I dared to say ( normally I shut my mouth): they probably googled your name and then they find many public pics of you surrounded by drunk and sleezy people in a low profiled environment. She's applying for serious jobs.
Her answer was: we do what we want when we don't work, you're stupid to think it has something do to with it. It's about my professional qualities.
She also seems to have a different perception than I have. Once she told me: my aunt looks like Sandra Bullock; then I met her aunt, she almost had no teeth left, was overweight, looked horrible, but she thought she even looked better than Sandra Bullock. Is it normal that people see their loved ones as so much different than they really are?

But what bothered me was: she gave me the feeling that once again I was wrong. It was no big deal a potential boss could see those pics, it's just her and no one will have problems with it.
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#6

Postby quietvoice » Mon Jul 14, 2014 4:00 pm

djenner wrote:Her answer was: we do what we want when we don't work, you're stupid to think it has something do to with it. It's about my professional qualities.



"So long as it's not public, sure, you can do what you want.

But how does it reflect on a company who hires someone for a professional position having that employee publicly (via the internet) behaving in a foolish or stupid manner?

Answer -- it doesn't reflect well, and therefore, any person that behaves in such manner is not looked upon as a viable candidate for any job that likely has many alternative applicants available for hire."
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#7

Postby TheCloud » Mon Jul 14, 2014 5:29 pm

It sounds to me as if, complaints aside, you want to be friends with this woman. If that's what you want, then you can find a way. Maybe you'll get what you want, or maybe you won't, but there is a way for you to find out which it is. Are you willing to take a risk that will lay all the cards on the table and either end your friendship or start it anew?
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#8

Postby WonderGurl » Mon Jul 14, 2014 7:58 pm

djenner wrote:Her answer was:... you're stupid...

But what bothered me was: she gave me the feeling that once again I was wrong. It was no big deal ...


She calls you stupid and you tolerate her belittling you. First of all, what she's doing is wrong, but you letting her away with name calling are just as bad. When you begin to value yourself more and stand up for yourself, she'll soon go away. I'd say you're convenient to her as long as you tolerate her lack of respect towards you for whatever reasons.
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#9

Postby djenner » Tue Jul 15, 2014 10:26 am

Maybe she's my drug against loneliness because I don't really have any other friends. The fact that we've know each other for so long. She called me the day I learnt about my grandpa's dead. I remember the moment she called me to tell me her friend committed suicide. She's part of my history even though in many ways she's not a friend.
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#10

Postby WonderGurl » Tue Jul 15, 2014 1:58 pm

How about keeping your friend in the vicinity while you're building new satisfying friendships? You don't have to break contact with her, but you can limit and minimise it if it feels right.
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#11

Postby TheCloud » Tue Jul 15, 2014 3:11 pm

So she's important to you. The only way to truly find out whether she's prepared to live up to that is to treat her as if she were important to you, not to mistreat her according to your own prejudices. If you don't give people a chance to be their best, then you're part of the reason you never see them at their best.

It is said you should be prepared for the worst-case scenario, but you should also be prepared for the best case; if you aren't, you're apt to prevent or ruin it through your own lack of consideration. Treat your friend as if she could live up to the best of what you see in her, and then you will find out if you really have a chance to see it. There are no guarantees, but you should at least prepare ground for the possibility.
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#12

Postby djenner » Tue Jul 15, 2014 3:23 pm

Wondergurl, that theory is great. The thing is: it's hard to find friendships and even harder to find satisfying friendships.
Wherever I go, I notice that some people talk a bit, but that's it. They have a family, a job,....it's something you cannot force. I've joined sports clubs, music clubs,....after a while some people talked about their house, kids,....but when you met them elsewhere with their families, it was nothing but: hey, are you ok? see ya, bye.
A member of that club I had regular chats with got married after knowing her for a long time and I wasn't invited. Just to show you that people tend to keep a distance.
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#13

Postby WonderGurl » Tue Jul 15, 2014 3:41 pm

Friendships take time to build. Bit by bit. Check this out, it might have some useful tips:

http://www.succeedsocially.com
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#14

Postby djenner » Mon Jul 20, 2015 1:10 pm

I can't believe it's been over a year since posting this topic.
I haven't seen her in over a year, but she still calls me whenever she's taking a shower or when she really can't sleep.
Over the course of a year, she's once against joined music bands, started education,...but she always failed to continue.
I even found out that the degree mentioned in my first post was a lie.

I've been through some rough time, I've been homeless and she wasn't there for me. Her parents never taught her how to deal with social situations.

The reason why I wanted to add something to this topic is: last night she called, she had listened to a song I had written with a guy I met online and she just told me a million times how bad this is. I posted it on pro music fora and most see the potential, but she had to call me just to say that, what a bad singer I am and that nobody's interested in original music, they want to hear 60's and 70's songs people can sing along.

What strikes me, is that I can defend myself when she's talking to me. I feel so submissive and I've been in these kind of situations before, that when people want to dominate me that I can only shut my mouth and nod yes. Or I run away and get real angry. Just don't know how to deal with these type of people.
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