Seeing boyfriend after a long time caused him anxiety attack

Postby walkingonglass » Thu Aug 14, 2014 6:28 pm

Hi everyone! Hope you are all well.

I am the girlfriend of a guy that struggled with anxiety. He is honestly my life and my everything. I never realised how hard anxiety can be on a person and how much it can really affect someone, so I honestly have such respect for you guys. I struggle sometime to be with my boyfriend, not because of his anxiety but because of the insecurities his anxiety bring me, if that makes sense. Sometimes he really doubts our relationship and I have read that some of you face the same struggles with their partners. I think my biggest problem is that I react very emotionally to his anxiety thinking "He doubts our relationship because of ME, there is something wrong with me"

I am learning every day how to be a good support system and how to react in a better way that helps him. God knows, I want to be there for him every step of the way.
The reason why I wrote this threat is to ask you guys a few questions. Me and my boyfriend met eachother after a month, because I was away. During that month we really missed eachother, and counting down the days to when we will meet eachother. We met yestedsay and he was so excited, so sweet and romantic, just perfect! We spoke for hours about everything, the subject of marriage came up a few times (this is a subject that has sparked his anxiety before), but he seemed fine talking about it and infact telling me that he would like to get married etc...
Today, he told me that every since he saw me yesterday his anxiety really sparked up. I am not sure why, we had a lovely time. I can only guess it may be because we spoke about marriage, but thats a wild guess.

I wanted to ask you guys, have you ever been through anything similar where you havent seen your partner for long and you really long to see them but as soon as you do, you get very anxious? I just want some insight in this because it is making me feel really sad. I think I made the issue worse as well because when he told me I said drastically without thinking "it must be because of me"...How can I stop him from thinking that now?? :(

Thank you guys for your help <3
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#1

Postby JuliusFawcett » Thu Aug 14, 2014 9:34 pm

Hi I just made a video about my experience on dealing with anxiety

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-OluLK ... JA&index=3
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#2

Postby laureat » Thu Aug 14, 2014 11:28 pm

Here are some suggestions:

1. Do not identify him with anxiety: it becomes a leash...
2. Have good times; record the good times...
3. from levels 1-10 of excitement try to keep around 4 not too much..

He becomes anxious when he see you because he knows that you know about his anxiety: than he has to act " himself " : like " hey this is what i normally do around you "

If you record the good times, it teaches the mind " hey our relationship most of times have been relaxed" and that proves the fears to be nonsense and you both quit expecting an anxiety to happen...

The focus has to be on having good times;

When you have a good time with someone today; tomorrow as soon as you see that person you feel like " yes, i am happy to see him again because good time is about to happen..."

Both of you have to change this: " i expect anxiety to happen..." to change it on " wtf are you talking about? What anxiety are you talking about ? We always have relaxing, beautiful times, we don't even understand what anxiety means... "

One simulates others state of mind; leads to one state of mind...
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#3

Postby walkingonglass » Fri Aug 15, 2014 10:00 am

Hi Laureat.

I dont think we were waiting for anxiety to happen at all, we were actually REALLY excited to see eachother because we always have a good time together and we have loads of fun.
It is just that he got anxious as soon as we left eachother...which made me worry if it was ME he was anxious about. Thats why I wanted to ask if this is something that can often happens...
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#4

Postby Phantasy » Thu Aug 21, 2014 10:45 pm

Hi Walkingongrass,

My first thought on reading your message is your boyfriend is troubled and may feel trapped and anxious when contemplating marriage. I have no idea how long you have been seeing each other but, assuming you have not being seeing each other long, it might be helpful to both of you if you took it one step at a time so as not cause any pressure or expectations that would provoke anxiety in your boyfriend. My recommendation would be to just enjoy being together in each others company right now.. Over time hopefully your boyfriend will feel more relaxed and then be more able to think about future plans, assuming you want t o take things further,

Just my two pennies worth. :)
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#5

Postby laureat » Fri Aug 22, 2014 1:37 am

Hi there,

separation anxiety is just feeling uncomfortable to be without someone or others, something that lots of people are uncomfortable with..

Do not fear anxiety it will not be there forever and think of that as a funny state of mind, it just need some time, to convince ourselves our subconscious mind there is going to be good times when I am alone, or without this girl, i still can relax, i can read a book, i can have good times...
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#6

Postby laureat » Fri Aug 22, 2014 1:44 am

Do not make yourself feel responsible too much about others, we don't want to put too much pressure on ourselves, there has to be reasonable expectations...
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#7

Postby walkingonglass » Sat Aug 23, 2014 11:27 am

Hi guys, thanks for your replies :)

Phantasy: Thanks for the advice :) we have been together for 3,5 years and he actulally often brings up marriage however I think at the same time it really frightens him and makes him doubt our relationship. Sometimes he can have phases where he says "Are we really meant for eachother, are we really suitable" etc etc which is quite normal do which I realised reading the other thread love and anxiety...thoughts like that always freak me out though. Anyways, the time that we met which the post is about, he stated he got anxious as soon as he saw me, so even before the talk about marriage. I have no idea why this happened as before we saw eachother we were both literally counting down the days to see eachother. Especially him, he was SOOOOOOOOOOO excited. I have realised someting about him, he always looks for a thrill. Its like he needs that thrill to be happy. He always wants to have the most fun time, always be excited about something. He loves going to clubs, not to drink or anything like that but because its SUCH a exciting athmosphere. Music is so loud and your kind of lost in that. Does that make sense? And then he has other phases where hes just depressed. Like something simple like, I dunno...going to the gym...he will be SOOOOO excited and so "hyped" about that hes doing that, like he just gets a bit overly happy about things if that makes sense. Its like he NEEDS that feeling and its like its two extremes, either SUPER HAPPY or a bit low...Does that even make sense? Does it have to do with anxiety, does anyone know?

Thanks laureat for your advice :) I do put alot of pressure of myself, I always focus on him and not me. I like where you say "Just think of it as a funny state of mind" Ah, I wish I could see it that simply, and I wish i didnt get so insecure when he went in to this state of mind. At the moment, he is being quite distant due to anxiety. Do you have any advice to give me about HOW to be when he is distant? I dont wanna be TOO much or TOO less etc...
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#8

Postby JuliusFawcett » Sat Aug 23, 2014 11:33 am

Focus on looking after yourself very well, and keeping yourself happy. This would include diet, exercise, balance between work, rest and play, personal appearance.
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#9

Postby laureat » Sat Aug 23, 2014 6:27 pm

JUST BE A GOOD ROLE MODEL AND STATEMENTS YOU MAKE:

I AM LOVING, I AM RELAXING, I AM FREEDOM, I AM PROUD WHO I AM, I TRUST MYSELF, I AM NO TRAP FOR SOMEONE ELSE, ONLY THING YOU WILL REMEMBER ABOUT ME IS GOOD TIMES, RELAXATION

I AM NOT A DEAD END: I AM A VISION, I HAVE BOOKS TO READ, I HAVE TARGETS TO ACCOMPLISH, I HAVE THINGS TO DO, I HAVE LOVE TO SHARE, FUN TO HAVE, I NEED A BRAKE SOMETIMES, I NEED A REST SOMETIMES...

STATEMENTS THAT ONE MAKES, TEACHES OTHER WHO YOU ARE, HOW TO BE WITH YOU, TEACHES OTHERS TO NOT BE DISTANT BECAUSE YOU GIVING NO REASON TO DEFEND FROM...

NOW SOMEONE HAS CONDITION THE MIND TO ALWAYS CHOOSE DEFENDING, TO ALWAYS BE DISTANT, OR CHOOSE TO RUN AWAY FROM: BUT WHAT YOU DOING IS, YOU ALWAYS BRINGING PROOF THERE IS NO REASON TO DEFEND, AND YOU ALWAYS BRINGING BETTER IDEAS WITH YOU BEING A ROLE MODEL TO FOLLOW...

" HEY YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DEFEND FROM FEEL FREE, I AM NOT THINK YOU BAD IF YOU MAKE MISTAKES WE ALL DO, I AM NOT THINK YOU BAD IF YOU DO NATURAL WEIRD THINGS, WE ALL DO, I AM FREEDOM, NO TRAP, NO JUDGING, NO DEAD END, I AM GIVE YOU FREEDOM YOU NEVER GOT BEFORE,

NO PROVOCATION , NO TOO MUCH RESPONSIBILITIES SO ONE HAS A GOOD ROLE MODEL HOW TO LEARN FROM TO BE NATURAL AS NATURAL ONE CAN BE ON MODERN LIFE...

WE TEACHING THE MIND THERE IS NO REASON TO DEFEND FROM, THERE IS NO REASON TO KEEP DISTANCE, THERE IS NO REASON TO RUN AWAY FROM...

IF YOU CONDITION THE MIND TO ALWAYS GO OUT SAME PLACES, THAN THERE COMES A TIME YOU DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT YOU JUST GO...

THE SAME IS WITH WHEN SOMEONE CONDITION THE MIND TO DEFEND, TO KEEP DISTANCE, ONE DAY WE JUST DO IT, SO ONE HAS TO SAY, ENOUGH, I WILL SURRENDER I DONT DEFEND ANYMORE FROM THIS PEACEFUL WOMAN, LOOK HOW RELAXING SHE IS...

ACCOMPLISH RELAXATION AND YOU DO THAT EVERYDAY, BECAUSE IS SAME LIKE TODAY YOU CHOOSE TO NOT GO TO THE SAME RESTAURANT BUT TOMORROW YOU GO AGAIN...

UNTIL YOU CONDITION THE MIND TO NOT DEFEND, TO NOT KEEP DISTANCE, FROM SOMEONE WHO IS PEACEFUL BUT TO ACCOMPLISH RELAXATION, TO FEEL FREE AND COMFORTABLE WITH A: SITUATION, PLACE, SOMEONE,

FIGHT, FLIGHT, IGNORE, SURRENDER

FROM THESE OPTIONS WE CAN CHOSE, WE DONT WANT TO FOCUS ON FLIGHT (DEFENDING, DISTANCE, RUNNING AWAY FROM ) WE TEACH OURSELVES TO SURRENDER, IGNORE, HAVE GOOD TIMES AND OTHERS...
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