what to do about resentment and contempt

Postby sunflower15 » Sun Sep 21, 2014 9:50 pm

Can anyone advise on how to manage these emotions? I really don't like feeling them and I think that it's affected my relationships.

Also, I don't really understand what causes a feeling of contempt, just that it's there.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Sep 22, 2014 12:33 am

One concept is that of "triggers". There exist certain things that will trigger emotions. One approach then is to identify the triggers and then develop coping mechanisms to deal with each trigger. The feeling of contempt just being there is interesting, because it would suggest a constant state. Do you wake up with content and then go to bed with contempt? Are there certain things that trigger resentment, e.g. a certain person, a certain location, a certain thing someone does?
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#2

Postby sunflower15 » Mon Sep 22, 2014 10:45 am

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:One concept is that of "triggers". There exist certain things that will trigger emotions. One approach then is to identify the triggers and then develop coping mechanisms to deal with each trigger. The feeling of contempt just being there is interesting, because it would suggest a constant state. Do you wake up with content and then go to bed with contempt? Are there certain things that trigger resentment, e.g. a certain person, a certain location, a certain thing someone does?


Ok, I've been thinking more about what the triggers are or could be.

For contempt, this I have felt (which is embarrassing to admit) when a person has kept texting me asking me how I am and what I am doing to begin a conversation, which I think is with the expectation of friendship and that I will reciprocate. However, she has already told me that she won't watch tv, listen to radio or read newspapers because of her illness and she has said that she just wants a peaceful death and that she will always be on psych drugs but also that she wants more support. I have tried to challenge some of her thoughts about these things but she appears determined to hold them. It feels like she wants to lean on me and I'm trying to recover from illness myself. We don't have much in common apart from having had a mental illness and I suppose I feel angry with her for having just given up herself, but that she expects me to still be there for her and be good friends and a support when we have only recently met. I don't know how to set a boundary and I regret exchanging numbers. I don't know what to say to her without being horrible because I feel resentful of her having this expectation of support from me. I would be ok if we just met say once a month for a coffee, but she used to contact me nearly every day so I would tell her that I was busy and now its still a couple of times a week and if I reply to her text then it can lead to a conversation by text which ends up with her wanting me to go and visit her which I don't want to do.

I understand that she's lonely and needy and I did feel empathy for her initially. Really I would like to end contact because I worry about this a lot and really dislike how its making me feel.

This situation has felt like a lose-lose because I've felt negative towards her and its causing me to feel negative about myself.

I guess this has come about because of lack of emotional iq which makes me feel contemptuous about myself too, not to mention also feeling like that because I too am on psych meds and have struggled with some of the issues she's had.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Sep 22, 2014 2:53 pm

If the trigger is this person, I agree maybe you should distance yourself from that person. It sounds like you recognize a co-dependent relationship exists and have contempt for yourself because you want out, but at the same time want to be a strong person that is there to help others and distancing yourself you think demonstrates a weakness.

To provide a bit of comfort. All of us have to manage relationships. All of us have to determine which relationships are best for us. Successful people do not have relationships with unsuccessful people, not because they are weak, not because they are a bad person, but because they recognize that not all relationships are healthy. They realize they can help more people by surrounding themselves with the right relationships for them.
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#4

Postby sunflower15 » Mon Sep 22, 2014 5:04 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:If the trigger is this person, I agree maybe you should distance yourself from that person. It sounds like you recognize a co-dependent relationship exists and have contempt for yourself because you want out, but at the same time want to be a strong person that is there to help others and distancing yourself you think demonstrates a weakness.

To provide a bit of comfort. All of us have to manage relationships. All of us have to determine which relationships are best for us. Successful people do not have relationships with unsuccessful people, not because they are weak, not because they are a bad person, but because they recognize that not all relationships are healthy. They realize they can help more people by surrounding themselves with the right relationships for them.


Thank you for replying here and helping me understand what's happening - I think you're right about co-dependency. I think it's triggering a thought or feeling that I'm selfish or inadequate or mean or all three.

The thing is that I feel that I ought to say something to her to explain why it is that I want to distance myself from her. I feel mean not saying anything - although if I try to I may get it really wrong and cause bad feeling. I will have a think a bit more about this and see if I can work out how best to frame it without laying blame at either one of us, yet making it clear that I don't feel in a position to offer support.

This has also making me that I think about how I have been having my own issues of co-dependency on other people. It's helpful to understand why one person I can think of might have distanced themselves from me - actually sadly it's been my adult son.

I don't want to be a co-dependent person anymore myself - I would like to relate more healthily as an adult.

Do you know if there's a particular book or teaching or advice for this that would be a good starting point by any chance?
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#5

Postby WonderGurl » Wed Oct 01, 2014 2:49 pm

sunflower15 wrote:I don't want to be a co-dependent person anymore myself - I would like to relate more healthily as an adult.

Do you know if there's a particular book or teaching or advice for this that would be a good starting point by any chance?


A good place to start can be the classic book by Melody Beattie "Codependent No More".
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#6

Postby sunflower15 » Wed Oct 01, 2014 7:56 pm

Thanks WonderGurl - I will look it up. Not sure if Richard had overlooked my question.
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#7

Postby Zoe » Sun Nov 02, 2014 7:07 pm

I can say that if you feel like up to, you could chose to be honest with your friend. Just say what you have to say in the nicest way you can and most of all, let it just flow, don't rehearse the conversation in your mind more than a few times, 1 hour before (and not after) you will be with her again. Like the Beatle song say "Let It Be". Tell yourself several times before:
"All Is Well. It's okay if she doesn't like what I have to say and my intentions. I will continue to love her and see her when I can, so that I can be ready and better to listen"
Free yourself from feeling overwhelmed and responsible for her reaction or the outcome of the situation. The reason why you feel upset or irritated with her, is because she is in a way, controlling you, but in reality is you that are allowing this.
Then I suggest that you search online to find a good book about "Assertiveness". I hope this can help. :)

Elena Dugo Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist.
I'm here to freely help the community.
"You Are The Master Of Your Destiny"
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#8

Postby sunflower15 » Sun Nov 02, 2014 11:16 pm

Thanks for your post Zoe. I can see something of what's happening in that I have felt obligated to reply and be friendly and nice, but I'm a bit confused as to how I am allowing this situation where she contacts me so frequently and expects a response? I'm not sure how I can assertively say that I only want occasional contact, without being mean. Do you mean I could just say something like 'I feel uncomfortable with such frequent contact' ... to be honest I'm not clear what contact I would be happy with - it's fine to see her occasionally, but I get the feeling I will have to say exactly what that is and I haven't wanted to be rigid about it - really I would like her to wait until I contact her, rather than feeling like I'm being chased up.

I don't know if I'm sounding a bit dense ... I haven't much experience at negotiating these kind of boundaries.
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#9

Postby Zoe » Mon Nov 03, 2014 2:57 am

All you have to do is, to find the courage to nicely tell her that you have made the decision to take some time to think things over, let her know in your own way that you need some space for yourself, and don't feel bad about having to say so, you don't need to explain too much, but you need to be nice & clear. Then take your space. If you act week on this she will feel it and find new ways to hold you down. Just be honest as you were in your post and tell her the same thing you posted here, the truth in a nice way and with confidence. By doing so you will be able also to give her a lesson, since your lesson will become her lesson too for what she needs from it.
Feel free to read an article I just wrote today, I hope it can inspire you to feel the strength within to just be yourself in harmonious ways: :)


"SETTING BOUNDARIES" - SERIES Personal Transformation - MANY WAYS TO LOVE YOURSELF

In my expertise, the basis of all struggling to be assertive is fear/concern. Relationships become unhealthy once we act from an area of concern, instead of love. Often we are not responsive to the fears that are driving our decisions to block us from doing what’s best for ourselves, and damage our relationships. However learning to line healthy boundaries offers an ideal chance to strengthen our capability to like ourselves and unharness the ego's fearful perceptions.

Signs that you just got to Set Some Boundaries:

When you end up having an issue about speech communication, worry within that you have to say “no” Or that you have to explain yourself more clearly to others but don't do that, instead of finding yourselfs doing things out of feelings of guilt or obligation, trying to please others even at the expense of what is best for you, or not expressing your thoughts and feelings once somebody upsets you, you're saying to the universe that it's okay to feel uncomfortable, because you are suffering inside yes, but you are not doing anything to change that.

If you are saying “yes” to others asking of your time and energy and you’re not ready to give them your time and energy, then you are actually doing the opposite of your initial, good intention to serve them, plus you are lying to them big time. And this happens maybe because instead of offering quality time, at that point we can only offer usually our frustration of feeling pressured by them, thinking that it's more important to serve what they need from us, rather then recharge ourselves first, regardless of how they feel about our decision to do so.

Often, our habit to do nothing but suffer by giving people attention when we are not ready to do so, can create anger or resentment. This might manifest as complaining, feeling out of our own control, and consequently feeling powerless, extremely confused and frustrated. As you could easily notice at this point, these feelings are telling us (screaming inside), that we've chosen to perceive ourselves as the victim of an event creating stress, rather than stepping up with confidence to make healthier decisions based on love for ourselves FIRST, which is equal to R e s p e c t for our own way of being and feeling . If we allow ourselves to love ourselves, then we can be better lovers also to/ for others.

The truth is, we're never a victim of outside circumstances. If we are and we feel uncomfortable when not ready to say "No thank you!", Then there must be a reason that we missed within ourselves. In that case is because our Higher Selves, or subconscious mind, took us there to learn something, to boost a moral muscle, to create some new values. Everything we feel uncomfortable about, is representing a scream from our Higher self trying to teach us something, to feel better later.

See, all this happens with the hope that you first recognize the main cause of your problem, on your own (obviously with the help of available resources, if you do a little research, which will be facilitating you in the process). You must be deeply convinced that you need to do something about it, that's where change takes place. And you cannot change the situation until you walk towards change itself.

Consequently, it could come to your realization finally, that instead of always responding to frustration with frustration, you could very well read in between the lines in the midst of your dramma, enjoying the process instead of feeling that you have to sympathize with anyone all the time, let yourself, or allow yourself rather, to emphasize in the most graceful, professional, manner you know and that's all you can do.

The rest is history, once you understand clearly this concept, you are okay with moving on. You cannot be responsible for what or which choice your "Oppressor" Opted in for to be there in the first place. All that stuff, remains out of your control but allows you to feel compassion and detachment at the same time instead, for who you are dealing with.

So the question is:

Are you coming from a place of inner- constant fear, or love and harmony in your actions and responses to people?

What is making you feel uncomfortable is the fact that you feel guilty of not being able to take care of your own feelings first, you lost control of that and it could feel almost as being reaped to some. Then you must act, you must regain your own equilibrium and control first, to really experience a sense of balance, confidence, courage and straight in your own life. That's most important. You cannot be a good help to someone in your presence of the momentum, if you are distant and resentful. Do the right thing to yourself NOW, practice personal transformation and you will be more helpful not just to yourself, but to others.
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#10

Postby sunflower15 » Tue Nov 04, 2014 4:25 pm

Zoe - Thank you for your reply and for giving so much information.

I sent a text explaining that I felt uncomfortable with more frequent contact because I needed space for myself and would be in touch when I'd had some time. I think I didn't get it quite right though in everything I said because I felt this uncomfortable feeling afterwards, but I will try journaling and see if I can resolve what it might have been. I'm glad that at least I said something - maybe it will take some practise.
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#11

Postby Zoe » Tue Nov 04, 2014 5:12 pm

Now, you on your own, created a way to have more space from this person. During this time you can meditate on how you feel and why, don't push yourself, takes time. Later things can always change, if you feel somehow still uncomfortable, it's normal for now, with space in hand, you can evolve those unclear feelings to become totally clear and confident within of how you like to shape this type of relationship where you still feel in control.
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