Feeling like I can't feel

Postby whattodowhattodo » Sun Sep 28, 2014 10:09 am

I was always a very tense child with many fears. Everything around me was scary. For as long as I can remember I'd go from extremeties of deep, dark despair to random bouts of euphoria. The tiniest things could determine my mood, make me feel- whether good or bad. Most were bad feelings, however. But at least I'd feel something- anything. I used to function off of my adrenals. Everything was extra intense to me; from curiosity, ambition and love to sadness, anxiety, stress and suicidal tendencies. So what started out as seeking help for my intense feelings (which was a must, as most were negative, "highly-strung" feelings that greatly affected my physical and mental health)... has changed my entire brain and body chemistry. I mastered mindfulness for the first time one year ago and have never looked back. I feel like someone else. My health improved dramatically, I feel calm (which at first felt unnatural and almost third-worldly to me), but I got the hang of it and enjoyed every minute of it. I even overcame my biggest fear of all: facing people. It was as if I have become the very person I have always wanted to be: calm, collected and unphased by everything around me. I am still that way, in fact... Just more intensely so. People are amazed at how much I can take without ever breaking. And that is great. However, there is an odd sense of "numbness" that comes with that, and I don't know whether that is a good or a bad thing? I can't love as much, hope as much, appreciate things as much- just FEEL as much anymore. And with that comes a slight lack of motivation, because even making a conscious effort to incorporate more productivity into my life now leaves me feeling like nothing happened at all, thus not making me hungrier for more so-called "successes." No sense of accomplishment comes with anything I do. I no longer have dreams or ambitions, but am completely OK with that at the same time. This leaves everybody with the impression that I am a no hoper though... which makes me wonder... are they correct? I am wondering whether to be concerned with that uncaring "no sense of accomplishment" feeling. It's not like I am burdening anyone. I am just being criticised for not moving at the pace society wants me to. But do they have a point? I also don't enjoy this still, "blank canvas" type feeling.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Sep 28, 2014 11:38 am

There is a minimum standard in society, that you have to at least be able to provide for yourself, to not impose your burden onto others. Past this very minimum achievement, which granted is a struggle for some, you don't need to justify yourself to anyone. If you are content with being a "starving artist" or whatever low wage job that provides for your needs, then no worries, be happy, enjoy life. There is no reason you must conform to some higher standard or pace.
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#2

Postby JuliusFawcett » Sun Sep 28, 2014 6:18 pm

We all have our own unique pace in life, and we all have different enjoyments that sing to our soul, we all have something special to offer the world that only we can bring to it. I like to ask myself "How can I best serve? What do I love to do?" and following that purpose moment by moment allows happiness to flow easily
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#3

Postby whattodowhattodo » Sun Sep 28, 2014 9:52 pm

Thank you for your replies. I do have a low wage job to help me just get by and am happy with that. I guess drawing is the only thing that sings to me...so I will take that advice and keep drawing then. Thanks guys.
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#4

Postby JuliusFawcett » Mon Sep 29, 2014 7:36 pm

You don't have to become a great artist to love it. And how many great artists started off making money from their work immediately?
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Sep 30, 2014 12:17 am

Do you have any interest in graphic design? I know plenty of people that make a living working for websites like www.designcrowd.com or you can post hand drawings, artwork on some of the photo websites and get paid each time a person downloads your work, like www.123rf.com.
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#6

Postby NancyBrown1 » Thu Aug 22, 2019 8:48 am

if you have an interest in graphic design. you need to do hard work on it. there are many tutorials you can follow on youtube.
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