my marijuana quit diary


Postby Davinci » Wed Dec 31, 2014 2:32 pm

johnrlivingston wrote:Thank you so much, Netty. I really needed that boost. I, too, have followed your journey. I have so much respect for you and what you've gone through. Still - no matter how many times you read the stories of others who have found light on the other side, when you're going through the worst of it - it can seem unreal or irrelevant.

You've made hope real for me again with your post. :)

Keep on keepin' on, Jannette. Best wishes to you and your family in the coming year!

I feel you. Im 4 months without smoking and the only think that gives me hope is other users storie
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Postby Furtive » Fri Jan 02, 2015 12:40 pm

Stick with it John

I also found it would crash back and forth.
Just when I thought it was good, the next few days would be bad.
The reverse was also true though, I'd have a bad patch and then suddenly it would flip with
An unexpected dream at night.

Stability will return
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Postby johnrlivingston » Sun Jan 04, 2015 1:31 am

Thanks so much, Furtive. Now that I'm in a better frame of mind I know the truth of your words. It's amazing how much one's perception can be skewed during our neurochemical 'lows'.

Anyway - I have good news. News I couldn't until my next 'report' to share...

I HAD MY FIRST ANXIETY-FREE DAY EVER SINCE QUITTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4 freakin' months, and this is the first day I can say I've felt 'normal' all the way through. I'm soooooooooooo stoked. I've had days when my anxiety was low, but I never had one completely free of it until now.

I know it won't last - but man - its feels SO GOOD to have one day underneath me that wasn't spoiled with illness. If I had one I'll have more. Just need to give it more time (I keep telling myself).
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Postby endofdelta9 » Sun Jan 04, 2015 2:21 am

to johnrlivingston

john i want to tell you that warm water with a tea spoon of salt is a cure for anxiety

it might not kick in right away in my experience it helps has to do with electrolytes you can look it up

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Postby netty28661 » Sun Jan 04, 2015 5:05 pm

Hi john, its a fantastic feeling isnt it - suddenly feeling you've had a good day! Its a breakthrough. You have the right attitude because as you say it wont last but you will realise you've had 2 or 3 days that you've felt great & it goes on increasing until its the bad days you notice more because you have more good days than bad.

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Postby Salsa » Sun Jan 04, 2015 8:52 pm

John, so nice to read that you are doing better. Your positive attitude is brutal. :D Stay strong!
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Postby johnrlivingston » Mon Jan 05, 2015 3:16 pm

Jannette, Salsa, thanks so much! Yeah - it feels incredible. The anxiety has already started creeping back, but I'll hold on to that day as long as I can waiting for the next. Out of 4 days so far this new year, I've only had one that was really bad, so I"m enjoying the good times while they last.

Salsa - I try to stay positive whenever possible. Like you said, feeling sorry for yourself doesn't help one bit. But much of the darkness I've experienced thus-far I've avoided sharing. I have so many doubts at times. I can go from feeling positive one week to feeling utterly defeated the next. When I feel bad I rarely post. So my presence here is not exactly an accurate representation of my general mood ;)

Thanks for the support, everyone. My thoughts are always with you.
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Postby new-me » Sat Jan 10, 2015 5:23 am

Hey all reading through all these posts makes me think cause I to experience couple of days where I feel as if I am normal but than the stomach pains anxiety and depression comes back but each time they do return after 4 or 5 days its seems to be not as bad as the previous time...but sometimes I feel as if I am going down and get soo depressed and I have read that anxiety can lead to the funny feelings and aches in my stomach...seems like this is taking forever to go away for good !!! So sick and tired of every thing. But to all going through this just hang in there stay strong and most importantly keep faith in god...take care and god bless
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Postby johnrlivingston » Tue Jan 13, 2015 3:31 pm

Your experience is the same as mine, new-me. The waves of anxiety-related problems keep coming & going in a seemingly unpredictable fashion, but when viewed over the course of recovery, are following a predictable pattern of diminishing in intensity & duration as time passes.

I celebrate a milestone today... 4 MONTHS WEED-FREE!!!! (alcohol-free as well).

Looking back it's hard to believe it's only been 4 months (5, actually, if you count cutting down). Not that 4 months isn't a long time, but it seems like it's been much longer. These past 4 months have been hard on me. But I believe I'm finally at the point where I can say - with all honestly - that I'm better off now than I was when I was smoking. And despite the problems I still face, the benefits of quitting outweigh the the negatives.

I've also realized that - without doubt - I'm much better off than I was during the first 3 months of this hell, and that my progress in healing is undeniable. It's definitely not going as fast as I'd like, but healing is progressing at its own pace.

Of course, as I write this, I'm in an 'up' phase. I've only had a couple really bad days since the new year. I'm certain once the next wave of PAWS comes I'll think the sky is falling again. But I also know I'll soldier through it, as I have done up till now, to meet a bluer sky at the end.

It wasn't long ago I couldn't even conceive of lasting the 1-2 years for complete recovery many people claim is necessary. Now I've reached the point where I know I can. And will.
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Postby fiveweeks » Tue Jan 13, 2015 6:23 pm

Hey @jhon!!

It's great to hear from you!

Wow 4 months, congratulations and keep going!

I'm glad to know that you are better, I 'm also better thank God! I had the privilege to take a few days without anxiety lately, and on other days anxiety has been lower than before.

As I always say to you, our path is very similar in issue of recovery and for this reason I always look forward to see what you will write my friend!

Thank U!

Jesus bless~
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Postby Ade,wales » Wed Jan 14, 2015 12:05 am

Love your thread man. You're writing is so concise,easy to read. I think you should be an English teacher. You're post about the Nigerian had me in stitches! You need to write books or something.

You say you got bad back pain,can't see how weed withdrawal could do that. You must have something wrong with it,and the weed has been numbing it. Chiropractor?

Posted something to you on another thread so go look at it (been posting so much can't remember which one). Bloody effects of weed again. Can't wait to be able to remember stuff
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Postby johnrlivingston » Wed Jan 14, 2015 4:15 pm

5 WEEKS!!!! Thanks my friend! Makes me chuckle now thinking of the first time we corresponded. I believe you really were at 5 weeks then! Me 4. Now we're at 4-plus MONTHS!!!!!

Ade, I just responded on the post I believe you're referencing. Thanks again for the compliment. And it makes me feel great knowing my journey might be of use to you!

Regarding my back problems, I found out in the end they were - in fact - due to marijuana withdrawal. More specifically, it's muscle tension stemming from my withdrawal-induced anxiety issues. Anxiety has MANY physical symptoms most people are unaware of, muscle tension / pain being one of them. I believe I might have some old muscle injuries that contribute to them - I'm always a bit sore regardless - but the anxiety-induced tension turned what should have been a minor ache into difficult pain.

Most of the time now my back doesn't trouble me, but when it does, it's during or following a particularly-bad bout of anxiety (usually in the morning at waking). Before I even realized I was having problems with weed, I saw numerous doctors, had an MRI of my entire spine done, went to PT, etc.
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Postby kickingthehabit » Fri Jan 16, 2015 6:07 pm

Hey John,
So glad to hear how well you're doing. I've been reading a book called The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale and I think it may help you with you stress/anxiety. It's helped me in so many ways.
Your writing really is great John; a book sounds like a great idea!
Keep up the great work,
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Postby Ade,wales » Tue Jan 20, 2015 1:36 am

go look at Bevanos post 165
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Postby johnrlivingston » Sun Feb 22, 2015 9:24 pm

Hello Friends!!!

It's been a while since i've checked in here, but I'm now at over the 5 month mark since quitting (160 days, I believe, to be precise). Since the new year things have drastically improved for me, and the month of february has so far seen even more positive changes.

At this point, I'm sleeping normally most every night - getting 8 hours in no problem - and my dreams, while still somewhat vivid some nights, are no longer dark or scary in the least. I'm back to dreaming 'good dreams' most of the time, and even when I have nightmares (very rare), they don't leave a lasting impression after waking. They're 'just dreams'.

My anxiety is also MUCH improved. Most days it no longer causes me issue, except for the predictable peaks in the early morning and middle of the evening. But even at those times the feeling is usually little more than mild discomfort. Sometimes I start thinking back to how absolutely crippling my anxiety was in the first few months and can't help but laugh - overjoyed at knowing I've overcome distress which, at the time, seemed almost overwhelming.

My mood is - for the most part - stable and healthy. I still experience waves of what I consider to be PAWS, but the trend continues... they come less frequently, don't last nearly as long (days rather than weeks), and are MUCH less severe. When I do go through these, my depression and increased anxiety are usually very short-term and completely maneagable.

I'm still having problems with muscle tension, spasms, and eye issues - as well as the aforementioned anxiety-issues that, while greatly reduced, are still present. I'm also still suffering from tinnitus, which, at this point, I believe is also related to the muscle spasms. I'm starting to consider the possibility that these problems might have been something weed actually helped (as marijuana definitely shows promise w/ MS, dystonia, etc), but it's too early to tell. Muscle spasms & tinnitus appear to be a prominent feature of protracted withdrawal seen in people w/ benzo dependence, so perhaps mj can cause similar issues as well. Regardless - whether it's the cause or 'cure' for these problems - mj is certainly the cause of too many problems to consider going back. If at the end of my 1-year mark I'm still having trouble, I might seek medical attention for these problems if they still exist. But I won't be self-medicating w/ weed, that's for sure!

My mental clarity, memory, and cognitive ability continue to improve, as well as my self-confidence. I'm now considering getting back into software development (left that 10+ years ago), and have been studying many hours / day to that end. I'm still working out as often as I can (though my muscular issues make that a challenge at times) as well. I'm SO MUCH BETTER OFF, both physically and mentally, than I ever was while using. Whatever challenges I still face now are minor in comparison to how sick I was near the end of my abuse cycle.

One last thing: 2 weeks or so ago during a mild PAWS 'flare-up' I remember worrying that my anxiety would prevent me from ever handling stress the way I used to (I used to be a rock in 'bad times'). Today my most beloved dog came down ill, showing similar problems to his father who died of kidney failure. I had every reason to fall into anxiety and panic, but the anxiety never came. Thankfully a trip to the vet relieved my fears, but even if it had been bad, it taught me I am returning to the person I used to be - the person who can handle the worst life has to throw at me. THE ANXIETY NEVER CAME. If this had happened 2 months ago, I'd be a wreck right now - guaranteed.
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