8 months after quitting weed

[breakfree1985]

So much has happened in the last 8 months and the only positive at this moment is I have quit weed. I don't miss weed or crave it too much but my previous stoner self arises from time to time and wants the brief happiness, relaxed, calm feeling the high gives. To start at the beginning beacuse I have had very little motivation to do any updates af of recent, 3 weeks after quitting I noticed quite a lot of improvements but it didn't take long before the progress made diminished. 3 months into my quit my gf of 10 years left me, it was such a massive shock in my life as we had a business and house together and there were no signs leading upto it, well there might have been but I was too messed up from quitting to notice. Been forced I to a such a dramatic change while going through paws I feel definitely magnified symptoms. My whole life I had known for the last 10 years changed in an instance including the already massive changes from my 7 year habit. My symptoms with paws were in full effect at this stage depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, fatigue, dp-dr, zero motivation, low self esteem, no confidence. After the break up I went and lived with my father and step mum this lasted about a week as i'm not close with them and it made my suicidal thoughts much worse. I decided to run away to se asia and have been travelling solo backpacking round thailand, laos, cambodia. As I write this I am in a shared dormitory in phnom penh, cambodia. Drugs and In particular weed has been very prevalent around asia and there is always the smell of weed floating about which has not been an issue to be round. On the first month of the trip I was drinking a bit and sometimes I didn't feel too bad but about 3 days after drinking a bit too much I would be hit with anxiety, fatigue, depression again. I decided to give alcohol up too whilst travelling which was quite difficult for the first couple weeks becasue almost 99% of people here drink, whether it be 1 in the afternoon or getting smashed everyday, I really got sick of the fact that 1 I couldn't control my intake and 2. I didnt want to rely on something for confidence and to be able to socialize. Im coming up to 4 weeks with no alcohol and I must admit I don't feel any better for it. after nearly 2 months travelling I have had some good times and seen some pretty amazing things on this journey. I do feel that I have not been able to fully enjoy my surroundings because of my mental state.
today as I write this Its 8 months since I have last smoked and to be honest I thought I would have made much more progress by now, I carry a diary with me and mark down my days as good, average or bad. My days are bad for about a period of a week then a couple good days will happen then back to bad sprinkled with a few average days here and there. It's still 4 months away from from the big 1 year achievement which is quite a lot of time In terms of mental recovery so I still try and remain as optimistic as possible.
my days still consist of depression, anxiety, fatigue, brain fog, memory (especially trying to retain information I read), head pressure also. On good days the symptoms subside to very mild to non existent, the last 4 days have been bad and in cambodia you dont need a script for xanax so itried one for the first time just .5mg it worked ok but felt the next day symptoms of anxiety are worse so im not using them again.

One of the main reasons I wanted to travel was to put myself In uncomfortable situations where I am forced to socialize and take away the stress of everyday life while recovering for a while. So I book myself in shared dormitorys where somedays I share a room with upto 20 people and even though I am rarely in the mood to socialise there is always someone that wants to have a chat. Embarking on this journey has also made me realise how much I stunted my growth in terms of maturity, personal development, intellectually and social skills. Its made it hard for me to connect with people and make friends so even though im around people I still feel lonely. Still feel completely lost and have no idea what direction I want to go with my life from here. I literally sold everything I own when I left for this trip and am starting life from a blank canvas so to speak. Even choosing what country to start my life in is confusing as I have no life to go back to where I was before and no friends. Low self esteem and low confidence levels are still a challange and dont seem to be improving too much also, I am so eager to recover and be happy, have direction and be mentally stable again. This is absolutely horrible what us ex smokers are going through because of a weed. Sometimes I think what if this is it and I am recovered now and this is just the way I am sober but I had been living in a haze so long that I forgot what I was like before, I certainly hope not but it does cross my mind a lot.

thank you for reading my story, stay strong all and thanks to all the successful and recovered for your time and effort coming back to this site to share your stories, motivate and inspire us ones who are going through trying times right now.

[dontpanicbro]

Sounds crazy man.. Seems to me like you need someone in your life, perhaps find a place to settle and go out and get a new girlfriend, one that will make you forget about addictions... Love is strong, anyways I'm on day 6 and it sucks everyone I know smokes me and my wife both quit but so far I seem to need more sleep (no problems sleeping whatsoever) I thought I would need less sleep.. I flipped out at my wife in the morning cause my jeans seem they got smaller after laundry lol I told her next time it happens I'll throw her phone out the window ;/ I hope this ends soon

[NoMoreWeedMR]

I'm six months without use, and exactly how you feel, it's hard to explain the symptoms besides depression, anxiety and fatigue.
It seems that my brain is in limbo, living like a zombie .. Earlier I had many episodes of suicidal thought, until I had almost given up trying but, thankfully.
I feel no urge to smoke, but I feel that my brain is "deregulated", I know I need much more time to return to "normal".
I walk every week but it is incredibly difficult to continue the routine because I feel extremely tired for a simple journey, beyond the days that depressive agreement (which most are).

Stay strong my friend, we are in recovery and come out stronger when it is all over. good luck

[Furtive]

I think the traveller life is tiring, and difficult.
I went backpacking for about a year, about 20 years ago.
I thought I had nothing worth staying for, so I went.

As you say there's a lot of drinking and escapism around you
And most of the friendships you make in hostels are transient and shallow
So I think it's making your life and quit much harder.

However, as you say, it forces you to interact with people you don't know
and should teach you about your self, your interests.
maybe you need to find direction in your career or whatever, I know I did.
I came back when I knew what I wanted to do next.
Plus I'd worked out how valuable a network of trusted friends is.

recovery from addiction is building a new life that doesn't need it
While you're travelling it's hard to measure progress, there's so much flux
Hopefully you'll find somewhere to stay and work for a while and see.

[breakfree1985]

Dontpanicbro - Congrats on the day six well probably closer to 2 weeks now. I know what you mean about the short fuse and bursts of anger. My moods were shocking for about 2 months I would crack it over the most pathetic stuff. I was quite an angry and violent person when I was on the herb but after the initial couple months I just mellowed right out and have not lost my temper once. Isnt it bizarre how at first the seems to mellow you out but ends up the complete opposite sending you on a roller coaster ride of emotions between your natural and high state.
As for the woman situation, I mean I have had a couple intimate encounters while travelling but I don't think I could have a gf just yet. I am focused on myself at the moment, making the transition into the person I have wanted to be but held back from substance. If the right girl come along i would be open to it, I agree we need love in our life!

[breakfree1985]

Nomoreweedmr -im glad to hear your past the suicidal stage it is the most horrible feeling, I use to get excited thinking about dying becasue I wouldnt have to endure the pain and suffering. That in itself as bad as we still feel shows we have made progress imagine how good its going to feel at the 2 year mark and the sense of achievement and strength we had to fight through it. Its only on and upwards from here foward. The limits are endless to what else we can achieve in our lives.

[lynne66]

Hi - I am at 8 months now too and things have recently been pretty rough - really up and down. I often feel suicidal or wish I could just toke and get a new and lighter perspective on things, but honestly, I am still glad I am quit because I am being forced to walk through things to the other side, rather than take a short-cut that doesn't actually get me to the other side in the long run, you know? But I know it's tough. I was hoping things would be a lot better than they are right now, but I still feel I have gone through a lot of changes as well - mostly positive, but having many dark and scary days. I find myself worrying and regretting a lot and a lot of fearful thughts plague my mind - like imagining bad things happening. I feel like I am in some extreme existential hell at times with the DR/DP anxiety and depression. Today was a bad one but I got through it and faced people and congratulated myself for going through the motions anyway because I know when I feel better, i will thank myself later for managing. Hang in there!

P.S. I am also now dealing with low self-esteem and sometimes self-hatred for what I don't have together in my life by now.

[lynne66]

I have also decided to give up alcohol. I kept saying that I would but in social situations and feeling as bad as I have been feel the past couple of months, I've had a beer or a glass of wine and ALWAYS regret it. I don't know what's changed in my system, but a single beverage now makes me feel hung over or gives me a headache the next day. So I am committed now to sticking with no alcohol either because it's been making me feel pretty sick.

[lynne66]

Another addition to my two previous replies - I can totally relate to realizing how stunted your growth has been and having to redo parts of your life now. I moved to AVL and it's been harder than I thought it would be. I often wonder what I am doing here or if I should have stayed where I was - that is until a friend visited me who used to live in Denver. She said when she goes back for a visit, the whole town smells like weed now just about. That would be driving me crazy right now, so I am glad I am away but some days I really have to wonder if it's been worth it because I feel pretty lost and down on myself most days lately. Like there is this urgency to figure it all out and get a plan soon, but like yourself I'm not sure what I'm doing. It would be fine if I was a lot younger, but I'm 48 now and totally dismayed. I am having a lot of thoughts like it's too late for this or that, when in fact, I hang out with some folks 10-20 years older than me who are just now starting to explore and enjoy various aspects of life, so how can I even say this? Anyway, I think this period of wandering will prove good for you in the long run, though it is mighty uncomfortable right now. It's an epic spiritual hero's journey of the Joseph Campbell type. We get to face our shadows as well. Carl Jung would approve!

[johnrlivingston]

Breakfree, I wouldn't sweat the slow recovery, though I know that's easier said than done. You've gone through a number of major life changes that would cause the anxiety you're feeling in a completely 'normal' person! What you're doing is amazing considering the circumstance! Keep it up, and thanks for the inspiration! Every time I'm feeling sorry for myself, I come on here and realize other people are conquering addiction with so much more on their plate. Hardcore.

As for benzos - I've had the exact same experience. Rebound anxiety the day after much worse than before. Not worth it at all IMO. Not only is the next day worse than the day I was trying to fix, I believe it's a step backwards in healing.

Keep on rockin'. At least you're having an amazing adventure during this process. One you'll actually remember

[GoingInsane]

Hey Breakfree. I smoked weed for 13 years, a coupld recreational drugs here and there, but no addiction to drugs at all, just weed, I didn't even smoke cigs unless I had a few beers and it was inappropriate to light up. Im 2 and half months stopped and I feel exactly like you. I feel completely hollow. I moved to NZ for a job offer. I left a weak 3 month relationship I had just started, after breaking up with my GF of 2 years. I stopped for a month when getting here to get my head around the new job, after a while I thought I was going insane anxiety depression etc etc so I started smoking weed again for a month. I ended up in total isolation smoking and never going out. I knew I had to quit to make some kind of personal progress in another country. So I quit again and here I am 2 and a half months later, still feel like sh**, still low self esteem, depression, anxiety etc. The main withdrawal symtoms have subsided (cold sweats, hot flushes, insane dreams, insomnia, panic attacks etc) but just completely lacking motivation. I feel like starting smoking again to see if I can return to my former self. I was fine smoking, but my memory was getting terrible and was making work difficult, thats the main reason for stopping. So ye I feel like lighting up again to see if I can boost my morale and get my sense of joy back. Im here to ask you if you ever came right, do you ever feel better? Or is that it, people like you and I are doomed to this life of riding the low to mediocre days of our existence? Please tell me you are better off and things do eventually get better??? I tried some anti-depressants but they mase me feel even worse, I feel like my only hope is the dope. I hope you reply I am in total limbo. I don't expect sympathy, I did this to myself, I realise the road to recovery is long, I just want an actual account of recovery from someone like your self. Where you at man? Did you end up smoking again?

[endofdelta9]

Hello G

i know how you feel you cant go back and cant quite go ahead but i write you to tell you hang in there i am 1 year and 3 month out and it is great you will feel good again i promise you you will be alright i did not believe it when i was in the middle of withdrawal i thought it would be like this forever but now it is a steady good feeling that has come you have to pass the test of going through this and you will get the reward so be strong i know its so hard when the joy is gone but it will come back

[Josh410]

I really needed to hear that. One month in and I feel terrible after an initial 1 or 2 weeks of feeling great. Gotta keep it up though one day at a time

[GoingInsane]

Thanks for the support endofdelta9. Haven't folded yet. Must say Im feeling a little better lately but still not 100 percent. Hopefully ill feel normal one of these days soon. Really appreciate the support.

[eerie]

How do you guys know you wouldn’t feel like this if you never had started smoking at all?

Like maybe life isn’t that rewarding unless you have some meaning? Kids maybe?

Try thinking why you even started smoking and kept with it... life wasn’t that fulfilling the either, right? Now you just have reference to how being just happy and relaxed with just being...

I do think having kids will fill your life.
Anyone here feels negative symptoms and have a wife and children?