My boyfriend is a great man but his drinking bother me.

Postby luna1991 » Tue Dec 23, 2014 1:55 pm

Hello everybody. I came across this website and I must say I liked it very much.

So my boyfriend of 29 and I (23) have been dating of almost 4 years. We met in college and then when transferring to a 4-year university we went to different schools. We kept our relationship going for 2 years. I went and visited him whenever I had a break and he did the same. We'll see each other back in our home state for long breaks.
He is a great guy, he just graduated with a degree in engineering, he is loving, kind, he loves me, smart, and very focused on our future. But he has a thing a don't like very much I'll explain.
Every time there is a party (family reunion) he drinks a lot, like he doesn't get disgusting drunk or anything, he wants to dance, talk with everybody, sing that kind of thing. Then he starts smoking like crazy which he never does. This behavior of his bothers me so much, I don't even want to look at him, I don't want to dance with him when he invites me to.
Now that he graduated, he organized a family reunion with my parents, he even cooked and again he drank with my dad and he finished off the entire bottle. Everybody left and he continued to listen to music by himself.
Is anything wrong with me? Am I overreacting? Should I just go with it?
I don't know whether he has a problem or I do.

Please tell me what you think
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#1

Postby Beloved » Tue Dec 23, 2014 6:39 pm

I guess he was once a smoker.

Is this him?
\/

so·cial drink·er
noun
a person who drinks alcohol chiefly on social occasions and only in moderate quantities.
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#2

Postby luna1991 » Tue Dec 23, 2014 6:52 pm

Yeah, he does not drink unless he's in a party or reunion.
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#3

Postby Beloved » Wed Dec 24, 2014 1:37 am

In that case, and in the interest of collecting more clues, why this?

luna1991 wrote:This behavior of his bothers me so much, I don't even want to look at him, I don't want to dance with him when he invites me to.
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#4

Postby luna1991 » Wed Dec 24, 2014 2:21 pm

That's the thing, I don't know why it bothers me so much. I guess with your response I am the one having the problem and I cannot help it even though I try. He tells me he sometimes doesn't want to look at me because I have "that face" and he doesn't want me to ruin his good time.
I guess part of it is the fact I don't drink,my mom tells me if I drank and got to that level of excitement he has when he drinks, I wouldn't mind what he does so much. But what do I do? I don't like to drink.
I guess I jut have to chill don't I?
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#5

Postby Beloved » Wed Dec 24, 2014 8:01 pm

In vino veritas is a Latin phrase which translates as "in wine there is truth", which means your 'real' bf is the one at parties.

What you can get out of this is to figure out why it bothers you.
Go deep.
It won't be easy but this party thing might be the tip of some undiscovered 'iceberg' in you.

I'd also wonder why your bf has his sort of Jekyll/Hyde (in reverse) aspect. You could research the motives of the life-of-the-party-types.
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#6

Postby Beloved » Thu Dec 25, 2014 1:39 am

You've heard of The Marriage Contract? Well, I think you have A Significant Other Contract with your bf.

You are only aware of this contract when one of its terms get violated. Perhaps the term in this case is
don't drink
or
don't drink if I don't
or
don't draw attention to yourself.

This contract is stored in your id and so you are hardly aware of it and your bf is totally unaware of it.

To be fair, since he is a party to this contract he should know what the terms are so that can choose to abide by those terms or choose not to.

I advise you to tell him everything you expect of him, everything you expect him to be. Men and women speak different languages so give him many examples of what you mean and what you don't mean.

I hope most of the terms of your contract, and his, are reasonable.
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#7

Postby TheCloud » Fri Dec 26, 2014 9:09 pm

Your tone strikes me as a prejudiced one, and I think you realize that. When you talk about his drinking, you don't mention a single negative experience. You disparage his drinking and smoking, but you don't include any negative consequences resulting from these behaviors. On the contrary, you discuss his behavior in a positive light, with jovial dancing and fraternization.

Ruining your boyfriend's good time isn't something you are interested in. Instead, you should participate in his good time, so far as your values will allow. The more you participate, the more you will forget about your prejudices and see things the way they really are.
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#8

Postby luna1991 » Fri Dec 08, 2017 2:07 pm

It has been a few years now, I am sorry for not replying in a timely manner, I got so busy with school.
I know I have a problem with his drinking and I wonder if I am overreacting, still.
I guess it all comes from the fact that he is a different man when he drinks, too fun, too extroverted, doesn't have enough always want to party more and more.
It has been a few years now since my first post and I still have a problem with it although I hide it.
I am okay when he has a few drinks until he starts becoming too extroverted.
I have been with his 6 years now. Although he don't like together because I am in school I wonder if when we do live together or if we marry this is going to be a problem in our relationship.
I have started to drink a little more but when I see that he is getting too happy, it brings me down.
It gives me anxiety whenever I know he will drink.
I don't like going to parties with him bc I know he is going to go overboard with the drinking.
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#9

Postby Livetowin » Tue Dec 12, 2017 1:42 pm

Any problem existing in a dating mode that is not addressed will multiply by 100 when you get married. Marriage is not a cure for what is wrong in a relationship, it is cold water on your face for what you did not address.

There's also another perspective I don't believe you have examined closely enough. If you see him having very clear control issues at parties with alcohol, how do you know he is not slipping drinks when you are not around? Usually someone undisciplined at drinking has a much bigger problem than just when a party occurs. The idea that he tears lose when he "thinks" he's in an environment that permits it, sounds like a guy who is very likely doing it in secret other times. I think you need to take a closer look.

One of my childhood friends is a recovering alcoholic. Getting ripped badly at parties was the first sign there was a problem. I only found out later how much more he was doing it on the side. Some people have a very difficult time managing stress and for some, they feel the need to numb themselves to the process rather than deal with the matter directly. The idea that this guy is STILL doing this six years in, is a very telling sign there are other issues in his life. Time for you to have an open and frank conversation with him. Plus you need to decide what you're doing in this relationship. Six years is a good chunk of time to still have issues that run this deep. I think you need to drop the autopilot and get back behind the steering wheel to see where you're going.
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#10

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Dec 12, 2017 3:23 pm

luna1991 wrote:I have been with his 6 years now. Although he don't like together because I am in school I wonder if when we do live together or if we marry this is going to be a problem in our relationship.


6 years is a long time to date. Nothing will change when you live together or if you marry. After 6 years, he is suppose to change his behavior because of marriage? That will not happen.
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#11

Postby Pookie » Fri Dec 15, 2017 7:12 am

You do appear to be over-reacting, since no actual bad consequences ever occur.

I suspect that you are remembering traumatic events relating to someone else (possibly even yourself) who drank too much, and becoming fearful / expecting the same to happen when your bf drinks (although it never actually does occur).

You have identified that his extroversion is what triggers this rising fear.

I am extremely intrigued by the phrase from your last post - " doesn't have enough" - I think that you were about to say - doesn't have enough time for me. (Please correct me, if I am wrong).

I think that it will be really helpful, if you can try to imagine what the calamity that you are frightened of actually is.
Specifically, are you frightened that you will be abandoned, or that you will be embarrassed or shamed.

Just to be clear - there is nothing wrong with you. You appear to be suffering from a -phobic response to a particular trigger.
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#12

Postby zogota » Tue Dec 19, 2017 4:21 am

Any problem in the dating mode that has not been processed will multiply by 100 when you get married. Marriage is not a cure for what is wrong with the relationship
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